2007 hasn't been exactly the easiest year for a lot of people I know... myself included. So let's hope 2008 brings some fun, ease, contentment, and joy!
Happy 2008!
Friday, December 28, 2007
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
I Shall Believe
Come to me now
And lay your hands over me
Even if it's a lie
Say it will be alright
And I shall believe
I'm broken in two
And I know you're on to me
That I only come home
When I'm so all alone
But I do believe
That not everything is gonna be the way
You think it ought to be
It seems like every time
I try to make it right
It all comes down on me
Please say honestly you won't give up on me
And I shall believe
And I shall believe
Open the door
And show me your face tonight
I know it's true
No one heals me like you
And you hold the key
Never again
Would I turn away from you
I'm so heavy tonight
But your love is alright
And I do believe
That not everything is gonna be the way
You think it ought to be
It seems like every time
I try to make it right
It all comes down on me
Please say honestly
You won't give up on me
And I shall believe
I shall believe
And I shall believe
~Sheryl Crow
And lay your hands over me
Even if it's a lie
Say it will be alright
And I shall believe
I'm broken in two
And I know you're on to me
That I only come home
When I'm so all alone
But I do believe
That not everything is gonna be the way
You think it ought to be
It seems like every time
I try to make it right
It all comes down on me
Please say honestly you won't give up on me
And I shall believe
And I shall believe
Open the door
And show me your face tonight
I know it's true
No one heals me like you
And you hold the key
Never again
Would I turn away from you
I'm so heavy tonight
But your love is alright
And I do believe
That not everything is gonna be the way
You think it ought to be
It seems like every time
I try to make it right
It all comes down on me
Please say honestly
You won't give up on me
And I shall believe
I shall believe
And I shall believe
~Sheryl Crow
Monday, December 17, 2007
Mrrrppp!
My cat, Charlie, is an odd duck. She's rather antisocial towards me most of the time - I think she's had a rather rough past. But, she's safe and well-fed now, but looks at me sometimes as though I'm the root of all her problems. Especially, when I have a book in front of me. She gets so annoyed and cries, and soon jumps into my lap and trompels my book. Her back is usually arched and her tail is sky-high. If I begin to pet her, she drools. And that's when I shoo her away - she gives this little "mmrrpp" noise in the back of her throat that lets me know she's displeased. Last night she looked like a St. Bernard dog with two strings of gooey drool hanging from each corner of her mouth. It's so disgusting.
Another quirky thing she does is watches me shower (I live alone and usually leave my bathroom door open). Normally she avoids being in the bathroom with me at all costs - but when I'm behind the glass wall of my shower doors, she sits there and stairs, and quite frankly, creeps me out. In the mornings, when I get ready for work, she sits in the hallway outside my bathroom and stares at the back of my head. She knows when I'm ready to begin my day- I turn around and ask her how she's feeling today and she does this little head bob and opens her mouth to meow, but usually she doesn't make any sound. It's all for show. She knows she's so stinking cute when she does her head bob, she doesn't have to accompany it with a meow.
She's a weird little she-cat.
Another quirky thing she does is watches me shower (I live alone and usually leave my bathroom door open). Normally she avoids being in the bathroom with me at all costs - but when I'm behind the glass wall of my shower doors, she sits there and stairs, and quite frankly, creeps me out. In the mornings, when I get ready for work, she sits in the hallway outside my bathroom and stares at the back of my head. She knows when I'm ready to begin my day- I turn around and ask her how she's feeling today and she does this little head bob and opens her mouth to meow, but usually she doesn't make any sound. It's all for show. She knows she's so stinking cute when she does her head bob, she doesn't have to accompany it with a meow.
She's a weird little she-cat.
Friday, December 14, 2007
2007
This is my version of a Christmas letter summary – a what’s what of 2007.
This year for my family has been good. Mom and Dad are still on the farm, raising cattle and horses, and working in TRF. My brothers are all doing well. Thor changed jobs this summer and is now working on a fantastic ranch a little closer to M&D’s. Trent is home and works in Fosston and helps dad on the farm. Travis and his family are good – the boys are growing like weeds and I never see them as often as I’d like. Overall, my family has had a rather content and settled year.
Me, on the other hand, the rebellious one - ;) – have taken to the “city.” GF is GF. I’m not crazy about the town and would love to wander the country and find a place that feels like home – but family is close and it’s hard to leave such an amazing job, so for now, I will enjoy what GF has to offer – mostly great hockey and stiff drinks!
This month I’ve been at the EERC for 2 years. In May I changed positions within the company and have been more than delighted with the move. My new position is Administrative Assistant to a group of researchers working on biofuels. It’s been an amazing opportunity for me to grow and learn. I’ll admit some days have me baffled, my head spinning, or me on my knees begging for mercy – but always I’m excited to come back to work the next day. The people I work with are extraordinary! How many people can say that? I’ve been so blessed.
A great perk of my job is being able to take classes on the company $$ and time. I’ve taken a few classes at the university this year; classes of interest to me: creative writing, history, and poetry – and have loved each of them. So far I’m technically “non-degree seeking” but am hoping to make a decision and aim for a degree soon… put a cohesive path down to this future of mine.
This year has been a year of socializing for me. My whole life, I’ve been more of an introvert and at times even a loner. But this past year I’ve met some amazing people and have created some incredible memories. Granted, lots of partying has been involved, too much probably, but I’ll be the 90 year old woman in the nursing home telling my crazy stories and living with no regrets (ok, well, maybe a few).
This year is also the year I fell in love for the second time. Obviously, that hasn’t turned out like I might have hoped, but I feel lucky to have known this particular man and to have loved him. In loving him, I learned so much about myself – I have seen the very best and very worst I can be. Let me tell you – the worst is a pretty ugly me, indeed. But the best part of me is pretty fantastic too – I am capable of so much more love and giving than I ever thought possible… Both good, yet tough, lessons to learn.
I won’t say this has been the easiest year; it’s also been full of loss. Fantastic friends have moved away. Several of my closest GF friends have moved on and it’s always tough to see them go. I’m so happy for them to stretch their wings – and I’m often jealous too! It’s always hard to say good bye. Other losses have been the deaths of several long-time neighbors and friends. A particularly tough loss was that of my previous boss and good friend, Duane. I worked for him for over two years. After I stopped working for him, we continued to be great friends – he always remembered my birthday, and would send me photos of his grandkids and kids often. He would have been 60 years old this summer, but he died shortly before his birthday. He was an incredible man, so full of love and kindness; he was an angel on earth.
What else is there? I’ve hit the big topics: family, career, love… Like I said, it hasn’t been the easiest year – maybe something to do with the “quarter-life crisis” – I don’t know! But with the growing pains – and there are plenty – is the realization that life is a package deal. You can’t have joy without frustrations; love without hurt – because if you take away the tough parts of life, you never really appreciate the good parts, and there sooo many good parts in life.
This year for my family has been good. Mom and Dad are still on the farm, raising cattle and horses, and working in TRF. My brothers are all doing well. Thor changed jobs this summer and is now working on a fantastic ranch a little closer to M&D’s. Trent is home and works in Fosston and helps dad on the farm. Travis and his family are good – the boys are growing like weeds and I never see them as often as I’d like. Overall, my family has had a rather content and settled year.
Me, on the other hand, the rebellious one - ;) – have taken to the “city.” GF is GF. I’m not crazy about the town and would love to wander the country and find a place that feels like home – but family is close and it’s hard to leave such an amazing job, so for now, I will enjoy what GF has to offer – mostly great hockey and stiff drinks!
This month I’ve been at the EERC for 2 years. In May I changed positions within the company and have been more than delighted with the move. My new position is Administrative Assistant to a group of researchers working on biofuels. It’s been an amazing opportunity for me to grow and learn. I’ll admit some days have me baffled, my head spinning, or me on my knees begging for mercy – but always I’m excited to come back to work the next day. The people I work with are extraordinary! How many people can say that? I’ve been so blessed.
A great perk of my job is being able to take classes on the company $$ and time. I’ve taken a few classes at the university this year; classes of interest to me: creative writing, history, and poetry – and have loved each of them. So far I’m technically “non-degree seeking” but am hoping to make a decision and aim for a degree soon… put a cohesive path down to this future of mine.
This year has been a year of socializing for me. My whole life, I’ve been more of an introvert and at times even a loner. But this past year I’ve met some amazing people and have created some incredible memories. Granted, lots of partying has been involved, too much probably, but I’ll be the 90 year old woman in the nursing home telling my crazy stories and living with no regrets (ok, well, maybe a few).
This year is also the year I fell in love for the second time. Obviously, that hasn’t turned out like I might have hoped, but I feel lucky to have known this particular man and to have loved him. In loving him, I learned so much about myself – I have seen the very best and very worst I can be. Let me tell you – the worst is a pretty ugly me, indeed. But the best part of me is pretty fantastic too – I am capable of so much more love and giving than I ever thought possible… Both good, yet tough, lessons to learn.
I won’t say this has been the easiest year; it’s also been full of loss. Fantastic friends have moved away. Several of my closest GF friends have moved on and it’s always tough to see them go. I’m so happy for them to stretch their wings – and I’m often jealous too! It’s always hard to say good bye. Other losses have been the deaths of several long-time neighbors and friends. A particularly tough loss was that of my previous boss and good friend, Duane. I worked for him for over two years. After I stopped working for him, we continued to be great friends – he always remembered my birthday, and would send me photos of his grandkids and kids often. He would have been 60 years old this summer, but he died shortly before his birthday. He was an incredible man, so full of love and kindness; he was an angel on earth.
What else is there? I’ve hit the big topics: family, career, love… Like I said, it hasn’t been the easiest year – maybe something to do with the “quarter-life crisis” – I don’t know! But with the growing pains – and there are plenty – is the realization that life is a package deal. You can’t have joy without frustrations; love without hurt – because if you take away the tough parts of life, you never really appreciate the good parts, and there sooo many good parts in life.
Thursday, December 13, 2007
untitled
Soft splats of raindrops
pat the top of my head and
run
slowly
down,
making tiny rivers
in my hair;
weaseling and winding
its way down my neck;
sending a flood of
goosebumps over chilled skin.
Raindrops never seem gentle
as they land on eyelashes
and splash into eyes,
running mascara.
Splashes of rain with
each quick step…
Shoes become limp
and soggy and seem
to drag feet down
as they soak
the puddles up.
Feet become cold and wrinkled
in their smelly cocoons of wool.
My arms stretch to embrace this cool cleansing!
~hmv
pat the top of my head and
run
slowly
down,
making tiny rivers
in my hair;
weaseling and winding
its way down my neck;
sending a flood of
goosebumps over chilled skin.
Raindrops never seem gentle
as they land on eyelashes
and splash into eyes,
running mascara.
Splashes of rain with
each quick step…
Shoes become limp
and soggy and seem
to drag feet down
as they soak
the puddles up.
Feet become cold and wrinkled
in their smelly cocoons of wool.
My arms stretch to embrace this cool cleansing!
~hmv
Peace
Waiting, peering through the coffee shop window
soft lazy snow falling on a slushy sidewalk.
Listen to coffee beans as they turn from sound to smell.
Watch the world stomp by as a sneaky breeze
swirls sparkly pearl dust into concrete cracks.
Streetlights umbrella passersby in fuzzy yellow orbs,
creating glowing, grinning plates of expression.
The scarred wooden table, weary with wear
props pristine books and a cup of chai tea
in this little snow globe world.
Laughter swirls around, fading in and out
like someone twisting the dial of sound
up and down as a child does to the radio.
The window and its contents, too
fade in and out with the flow of voices.
In this little snow globe
there are no sharp edges;
nothing to slice through the
cashmere of my mind.
~hmv
soft lazy snow falling on a slushy sidewalk.
Listen to coffee beans as they turn from sound to smell.
Watch the world stomp by as a sneaky breeze
swirls sparkly pearl dust into concrete cracks.
Streetlights umbrella passersby in fuzzy yellow orbs,
creating glowing, grinning plates of expression.
The scarred wooden table, weary with wear
props pristine books and a cup of chai tea
in this little snow globe world.
Laughter swirls around, fading in and out
like someone twisting the dial of sound
up and down as a child does to the radio.
The window and its contents, too
fade in and out with the flow of voices.
In this little snow globe
there are no sharp edges;
nothing to slice through the
cashmere of my mind.
~hmv
Edible Sun
Hold its roundness
in your hand;
firm and weighted.
The vibrant skin
with tiny dimples
makes me belly laugh.
Fingernails sinking and
gripping skin
so thick and pungent,
citrus scent hovers hours later.
Shed peelings to reveal
flakey layers of white;
clinging to peelings,
fingers, life.
Translucent, coarse, and
unassuming,
protected by the skin,
hidden from the light.
Dig a little deeper
to find the flesh
As bright and glowing
as the sun.
Delicate threads
winding through and through,
holding together
the meat of the fruit.
Pull apart
the glistening pieces
to bring the juicy sun
into your mouth.
~hmv
in your hand;
firm and weighted.
The vibrant skin
with tiny dimples
makes me belly laugh.
Fingernails sinking and
gripping skin
so thick and pungent,
citrus scent hovers hours later.
Shed peelings to reveal
flakey layers of white;
clinging to peelings,
fingers, life.
Translucent, coarse, and
unassuming,
protected by the skin,
hidden from the light.
Dig a little deeper
to find the flesh
As bright and glowing
as the sun.
Delicate threads
winding through and through,
holding together
the meat of the fruit.
Pull apart
the glistening pieces
to bring the juicy sun
into your mouth.
~hmv
Support
Control top pantyhose
smoothes the ugly bulges,
the unending dimples.
Trims and tucks and
never divulges.
It supports and holds,
shapes and molds
so the little black dress
always beholds
only the best of me.
Hose slips and slides
shrinks and glides
to places better left
unmentioned.
It runs and tears
unravels and snags,
Pinches, rolls, and wears
my edgy nerves to rags.
Even so, it’s always there
beneath my favorite clothes.
All its nylon and wonder,
all its itchy, picky care
contained in those silly damn pantyhose.
~hmv
smoothes the ugly bulges,
the unending dimples.
Trims and tucks and
never divulges.
It supports and holds,
shapes and molds
so the little black dress
always beholds
only the best of me.
Hose slips and slides
shrinks and glides
to places better left
unmentioned.
It runs and tears
unravels and snags,
Pinches, rolls, and wears
my edgy nerves to rags.
Even so, it’s always there
beneath my favorite clothes.
All its nylon and wonder,
all its itchy, picky care
contained in those silly damn pantyhose.
~hmv
Baggage
Lets take a trip to anywhere
Catch the next jet out of town…
the next train, the next truck.
Raise your thumb, stamp your ticket,
check your bags at the door.
Only one ticket for this particular ride.
Only one carry-on allowed this time.
Pack neatly, travel lightly;
Leave that baggage behind.
Carry, now, only what you need to move forward.
Quickly, now, don’t look back
Pick up the pace; yes it’s a race.
Because, with any luck, you won’t remember jack.
~hmv
Catch the next jet out of town…
the next train, the next truck.
Raise your thumb, stamp your ticket,
check your bags at the door.
Only one ticket for this particular ride.
Only one carry-on allowed this time.
Pack neatly, travel lightly;
Leave that baggage behind.
Carry, now, only what you need to move forward.
Quickly, now, don’t look back
Pick up the pace; yes it’s a race.
Because, with any luck, you won’t remember jack.
~hmv
Monday, December 10, 2007
Weekend
What a nice weekend! I studied for my history final most of the weekend, but I really enjoy history, so that may not be as tortuous to me as to most. Saturday night I went to the hockey game against the Gophers. What a game!! The hits, terrible calls, dead gopher on the ice, and the last 10 minutes of the game had my adrenaline pumping. I love hockey as it is, but that game topped all the other games I'd seen, even though we lost. :( We were not playing as well as we might have, and MN was super slick on those skates... man, they could move. In the last period, with less than 10 minutes to go, UND finally got some spunk and finally gave MN something to worry about. Short lived but at least UND pulled it together a little. Fantastic game!
Sunday I studied more and ran a couple errands. My folks gave me a digital camera for my birthday so I took it to the park for a while and took some cool pictures of the snow and trees and maybe will post something soon... My baby brother and his girlfriend came to see me. I think I've mentioned before my adoration for Thor... He's such a great guy and his girlfriend is just a peach. It was fun chatting with them and telling them my crazy stories and watching them stare at me as though we never met. :) Always amusing. It's quite fun being able to shock people.
That's all for now!
Sunday I studied more and ran a couple errands. My folks gave me a digital camera for my birthday so I took it to the park for a while and took some cool pictures of the snow and trees and maybe will post something soon... My baby brother and his girlfriend came to see me. I think I've mentioned before my adoration for Thor... He's such a great guy and his girlfriend is just a peach. It was fun chatting with them and telling them my crazy stories and watching them stare at me as though we never met. :) Always amusing. It's quite fun being able to shock people.
That's all for now!
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
Meditations
I had to read Meditations (Marcus Aurelius Antonius, 167 a.d.) for a paper for my history class. It was heavy reading, but enlightening too... Here's some wisdom I pulled from it...
"Of human life the time is a point, and the substance is in a flux, and the perception dull, and the composition of the whole body subject to putrefaction, and the soul a whirl, and fortune hard to devine, and fame a thing devoid of judgment. And, to say all in a word, everything which belongs to the body is a stream, and what belongs to the soul is a dream and vapour, and life is a warfare and a stranger's sojourn, and after-fame is oblivion." (Book 2)
"Never value anything as profitable to thyself which shall compel thee to break thy promise, to lose thy self-respect, to hate any man, to suspect, to curse, to act the hypocrite, to desire anything which needs walls and curtains: for he who has preferred to everything intelligence and daemon and the worship of its excellence, acts no tragic part, does not groan, will not need either solitude or much company; and, what is chief of all, he will live without either pursuing or flying from death..." (Book 3)
"If thou workest at that which is before thee, following right reason seriously, vigorously, calmly, without allowing anything else to distract thee, but keeping the divine part pure, as if thou shouldst be bound to give it back immediately; if thou holdest to this, expecting nothing, fearing nothing, but satisfied with thy present activity according to nature, and with heroic truth in every word and sound which thou utterest, thou wilt live happy. And there is no man who is able to prevent this." (Book 3)
"For nowhere either with more quiet or more freedom from trouble does a man retire than into his own soul, particularly when he has within him such thoughts that by looking into them he is immediately in perfect tranquility; and I affirm that tranquility is nothing else than the good ordering of the mind." (Book 4)
"The universe is transformation; life is opinion." (Book 4)
"Take away thy opinion, and then there is taken away the complaint 'I have been harmed.' Take away the complaint, 'I have been harmed,' and the harm is taken away." (Book 4)
"Time is like a river made up of the events which happen, and a violent stream; for as soon as a thing has been seen, it is carried away, and another comes in its place, and this will be carried away too." (Book 4)
"Pass then through this little space of time conformably to nature, and end thy journey in content, just as an olive falls off when it is ripe, blessing nature who produced it, and thanking the tree on which it grew." (Book 4)
"It is in our power to have no opinion about a thing, and not to be disturbed in our soul; for things themselves have no natural power to form our judgments." (Book 6)
"That which is not good for the swarm, neither is it good for the bee." (Book 6)
"Look within. Let neither the peculiar quality of anything nor its value escape thee." (Book 6)
"Of human life the time is a point, and the substance is in a flux, and the perception dull, and the composition of the whole body subject to putrefaction, and the soul a whirl, and fortune hard to devine, and fame a thing devoid of judgment. And, to say all in a word, everything which belongs to the body is a stream, and what belongs to the soul is a dream and vapour, and life is a warfare and a stranger's sojourn, and after-fame is oblivion." (Book 2)
"Never value anything as profitable to thyself which shall compel thee to break thy promise, to lose thy self-respect, to hate any man, to suspect, to curse, to act the hypocrite, to desire anything which needs walls and curtains: for he who has preferred to everything intelligence and daemon and the worship of its excellence, acts no tragic part, does not groan, will not need either solitude or much company; and, what is chief of all, he will live without either pursuing or flying from death..." (Book 3)
"If thou workest at that which is before thee, following right reason seriously, vigorously, calmly, without allowing anything else to distract thee, but keeping the divine part pure, as if thou shouldst be bound to give it back immediately; if thou holdest to this, expecting nothing, fearing nothing, but satisfied with thy present activity according to nature, and with heroic truth in every word and sound which thou utterest, thou wilt live happy. And there is no man who is able to prevent this." (Book 3)
"For nowhere either with more quiet or more freedom from trouble does a man retire than into his own soul, particularly when he has within him such thoughts that by looking into them he is immediately in perfect tranquility; and I affirm that tranquility is nothing else than the good ordering of the mind." (Book 4)
"The universe is transformation; life is opinion." (Book 4)
"Take away thy opinion, and then there is taken away the complaint 'I have been harmed.' Take away the complaint, 'I have been harmed,' and the harm is taken away." (Book 4)
"Time is like a river made up of the events which happen, and a violent stream; for as soon as a thing has been seen, it is carried away, and another comes in its place, and this will be carried away too." (Book 4)
"Pass then through this little space of time conformably to nature, and end thy journey in content, just as an olive falls off when it is ripe, blessing nature who produced it, and thanking the tree on which it grew." (Book 4)
"It is in our power to have no opinion about a thing, and not to be disturbed in our soul; for things themselves have no natural power to form our judgments." (Book 6)
"That which is not good for the swarm, neither is it good for the bee." (Book 6)
"Look within. Let neither the peculiar quality of anything nor its value escape thee." (Book 6)
Monday, November 26, 2007
"The only ones for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything, at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars." -Jack Kerouac
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
911. What's your emergency?
Last night I dreamt I was running on this gravel road by my folks'. As I was running along someone shot me in the stomach. The bullet went straight through but it hurt so much! I started running back home but the faster I ran, the more blood poured out. Finally I began screaming, hoping my dad would hear me. I lost so much blood and energy, I had to crawl the rest of the way home. Dad and Mom quickly loaded me into the car and were speeding to the hospital (40 miles away) and I started to lose feeling in my legs... apparently the bullet had nicked my spine and I was gradually going paralyzed (is that even possible?). I remember laying in the backseat of the car, holding papertowels to my stomach, watching the speedometer go past 120 mph, and thinking it didn't matter because I was going to die anyway. Then I started to cry because I wasn't ready to die yet.
A very sad and gruesome dream! But a pattern my dreams have taken on lately - is that they're always outside, there's a big hurry, and it's usually a matter of life or death, and then I'm moving... Kind of telling of the boat I'm in right now with life...
A very sad and gruesome dream! But a pattern my dreams have taken on lately - is that they're always outside, there's a big hurry, and it's usually a matter of life or death, and then I'm moving... Kind of telling of the boat I'm in right now with life...
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
A naturalist?
I keep having these dreams about the outdoors and weird events that I keep striving towards (climbing mountains, retaining undies, etc.). I typically have very weird dreams, but almost always they are more about people than events... and seldom are they so long or detailed. So my dream for last night......
I dreamt I left some "undergarments" at Trail's End (bar). Suddenly I was at church, and realized I left these undergarments at the bar and I had to get them. So I took my dad's ATV and sped down the Gully road. The Gully road is a 15 mile long highway about as straight, flat, and dull as you can imagine. There are lots of woods on both sides, and quite swampy in some places, but a longggggg drive on an ATV. Besides this, the ATV would get up to 30 mph, and when I pressed the accelerator to go faster, it would go slower instead. It was nightfall, when I was cruising along and suddenly this HUGE moose comes tromping onto the road. It was angry and charging me, but I couldn't drive very fast so I was terrified. In the moose's frustration, it rubbed it's antelers on the highway and they broke off, so the moose ran away. I took the antelers and put them on the front of the ATV. (relevant? who knows.) So, I kept driving and two bear cubs came frolicking on the highway. They were so cute and playful and I was sooo excited, but kept driving because where there are babies, there's also a protective mother... Then up on the road came a huge grizzly bear. It was brown and shaggy and it stunk really bad. It kept roaring at me, and I could see all it's teeth, so I kept driving as fast as I could, but only kept going slower and slower. The bear started chasing me, and I was so scared, then suddenly Thor drives up in his pickup and rescues me... and I had to show him the moose antelers I found.
The dream dictionary says (I'm not sure I believe in that stuff, but it provides some good food for thought.):
To dream that you are being pursued or attacked by a bear, denotes aggression, overwhelming obstacles and competition. You may find yourself in a threatening situation. Alternatively, bears symbolize the cycle of life and death and renewal. It may signal of period of introspection and thinking. The dream may also be a pun on "bare". Perhaps you need to bare your soul and let everything out into the open.
To see a moose in your dream, represents long life and longevity. It may refer to the elders around you. Alternatively, a moose may also indicate that you can be both powerful and gentle.
To see a road in your dream, indicates your sense of direction and pursuit of your goals. To see a winding, curvy, or bumpy road in your dream, suggests that you will experience many obstacles and setbacks in achieving your goals. You may be met with unexpected difficulties. If the road is dark, then it reflects the darker or more frightening choices which you have made or are making. To see a smooth road bordered by green trees and flowers, denotes a steady progress and steady climb up the social ladder. If the road is straight and narrow, then it means that your path to success is going according as planned. To dream that a threatening creature is on a road, parallels a hostile situation/person you are encountering in your waking life. It is an obstacle that you need to overcome, no matter how intimidating the situation or person may appear.
To dream that you are driving a vehicle, signifies your life's journey and your path in life. The dream is telling of how you are moving and navigating through life. If you are driving and cannot see the road ahead of you, then it indicates that you do not know where you are headed in life and what you really want to do with yourself. You are lacking direction and goals. If you are driving on a curvy road, then it indicates that you are have difficulties in achieving your goals and the changes associated with it. To dream that someone else is driving you, represents your dependence on the driver. You are not in control of your life and following the goals of others instead of your own.
I dreamt I left some "undergarments" at Trail's End (bar). Suddenly I was at church, and realized I left these undergarments at the bar and I had to get them. So I took my dad's ATV and sped down the Gully road. The Gully road is a 15 mile long highway about as straight, flat, and dull as you can imagine. There are lots of woods on both sides, and quite swampy in some places, but a longggggg drive on an ATV. Besides this, the ATV would get up to 30 mph, and when I pressed the accelerator to go faster, it would go slower instead. It was nightfall, when I was cruising along and suddenly this HUGE moose comes tromping onto the road. It was angry and charging me, but I couldn't drive very fast so I was terrified. In the moose's frustration, it rubbed it's antelers on the highway and they broke off, so the moose ran away. I took the antelers and put them on the front of the ATV. (relevant? who knows.) So, I kept driving and two bear cubs came frolicking on the highway. They were so cute and playful and I was sooo excited, but kept driving because where there are babies, there's also a protective mother... Then up on the road came a huge grizzly bear. It was brown and shaggy and it stunk really bad. It kept roaring at me, and I could see all it's teeth, so I kept driving as fast as I could, but only kept going slower and slower. The bear started chasing me, and I was so scared, then suddenly Thor drives up in his pickup and rescues me... and I had to show him the moose antelers I found.
The dream dictionary says (I'm not sure I believe in that stuff, but it provides some good food for thought.):
To dream that you are being pursued or attacked by a bear, denotes aggression, overwhelming obstacles and competition. You may find yourself in a threatening situation. Alternatively, bears symbolize the cycle of life and death and renewal. It may signal of period of introspection and thinking. The dream may also be a pun on "bare". Perhaps you need to bare your soul and let everything out into the open.
To see a moose in your dream, represents long life and longevity. It may refer to the elders around you. Alternatively, a moose may also indicate that you can be both powerful and gentle.
To see a road in your dream, indicates your sense of direction and pursuit of your goals. To see a winding, curvy, or bumpy road in your dream, suggests that you will experience many obstacles and setbacks in achieving your goals. You may be met with unexpected difficulties. If the road is dark, then it reflects the darker or more frightening choices which you have made or are making. To see a smooth road bordered by green trees and flowers, denotes a steady progress and steady climb up the social ladder. If the road is straight and narrow, then it means that your path to success is going according as planned. To dream that a threatening creature is on a road, parallels a hostile situation/person you are encountering in your waking life. It is an obstacle that you need to overcome, no matter how intimidating the situation or person may appear.
To dream that you are driving a vehicle, signifies your life's journey and your path in life. The dream is telling of how you are moving and navigating through life. If you are driving and cannot see the road ahead of you, then it indicates that you do not know where you are headed in life and what you really want to do with yourself. You are lacking direction and goals. If you are driving on a curvy road, then it indicates that you are have difficulties in achieving your goals and the changes associated with it. To dream that someone else is driving you, represents your dependence on the driver. You are not in control of your life and following the goals of others instead of your own.
Monday, November 19, 2007
Thanksgiving
With my frame of mind lately, I figured now would be a great time for me to count my blessings. Here’s a starter list. This Thanksgiving, I'm giving thanks for.....
1. A wonderful, loving family.... parents who understand, forgive, and most of all, love me, despite it all.
2. Friends that pump me up and calm me down... and often carry me when I can't walk myself. You guys know who you are… where would I be without you guys? Thank you and I love you.
3. My job! Working with wonderful, brilliant people (that includes you, T.B.:) who inspire and motivate me every day... the ability to learn and tackle challenges is everything I thrive on.
4. A roof over my head, even if the roof is old and stinky, and the linoleum is broken and yellowed, and the windows rattle like an old woman in the wind... I am safe and warm and should count my blessings.
5. Time. A birthday rolling around the corner… at times it feels like 26 is practically dead and other times I feel so grateful that I’m in the situation I’m in and I have so much LIFE ahead of me. There’s so much learning and growing to do and so many new experiences, that I have to remind myself that even though the road will surely be tough, it’ll be exciting and wonderful too.
6. Opportunities.
7. Many people… I’ve been blessed to have just known them… Adeline – a perfect example of quiet sweetness; a kindness that will forever stick with me. Grandma Bonnie – for our poetry and for loving so completely, for her fuzzy blankets and orange juice in the morning. Duane – for showing compassion and generosity in its most absolute form, for Vietnam at 21, raspberry pie, and Vitamin C. Fabian, Grandma Lorraine, Laura, Chris, Liane, and Buster…. for so many things, where would I begin?
7. My orange Gap lounge pants. They look like fuzzy deer hunting gear, but at the end of a tough day, they are as welcome as a hug.
8. E-mail – for allowing me to keep in good contact with long-distance friends.
9. Johnson’s baby lotion.
10. Beauty in the little things.
1. A wonderful, loving family.... parents who understand, forgive, and most of all, love me, despite it all.
2. Friends that pump me up and calm me down... and often carry me when I can't walk myself. You guys know who you are… where would I be without you guys? Thank you and I love you.
3. My job! Working with wonderful, brilliant people (that includes you, T.B.:) who inspire and motivate me every day... the ability to learn and tackle challenges is everything I thrive on.
4. A roof over my head, even if the roof is old and stinky, and the linoleum is broken and yellowed, and the windows rattle like an old woman in the wind... I am safe and warm and should count my blessings.
5. Time. A birthday rolling around the corner… at times it feels like 26 is practically dead and other times I feel so grateful that I’m in the situation I’m in and I have so much LIFE ahead of me. There’s so much learning and growing to do and so many new experiences, that I have to remind myself that even though the road will surely be tough, it’ll be exciting and wonderful too.
6. Opportunities.
7. Many people… I’ve been blessed to have just known them… Adeline – a perfect example of quiet sweetness; a kindness that will forever stick with me. Grandma Bonnie – for our poetry and for loving so completely, for her fuzzy blankets and orange juice in the morning. Duane – for showing compassion and generosity in its most absolute form, for Vietnam at 21, raspberry pie, and Vitamin C. Fabian, Grandma Lorraine, Laura, Chris, Liane, and Buster…. for so many things, where would I begin?
7. My orange Gap lounge pants. They look like fuzzy deer hunting gear, but at the end of a tough day, they are as welcome as a hug.
8. E-mail – for allowing me to keep in good contact with long-distance friends.
9. Johnson’s baby lotion.
10. Beauty in the little things.
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Dr. Freud - HELP!
I had a dream last night that has me puzzled. The first part of my dream I was crawling along a lakebed in the dark. It was pitch-black out and I could see nothing except the horizon where the lake met the sky, so I had to crawl along on my hands and knees. I had one hand in the lake water, and one hand in the grass running along the lake, and I had to find my way to this peninsula. Someone was crawling behind me, hanging onto my foot and encouraging me along the way. I finally made it to the peninsula and sat up, and suddenly the moon came out and I could see everything in the dark... the loons sitting on the calm lake, the person following me with dark brown hair, everything. I sat back on my heels and that was the end of that dream... and suddenly I was taken to rockclimbing.
The same guy in the previous dream was sitting on top of a cliff, and I was trying to climb this mountain, but it was nearly impossible. The guy at the top kept encouraging me and throwing down rocks to me, so I could use them as step stones (hey, it's a dream; stuff doesn't have to make sense). So, I finally made my way to the top, and I was soooo exhausted. Once I got to the top of this mountain, the guy takes me by the hand and suddenly it's dark out. He tells me we have to walk across this river. I wanted to take my shoes and socks off, so I wouldn't get them wet, but we didn't have time - and I don't know what the urgency was. So, we crossed this river on stones in the water (with him holding my hand the whole time)... I was so scared because just beyond us was a water fall (down the mountain I had just climbed). When we got to the other shore, it was pitch black outside once again, and I couldn't see a thing anymore. The guy was still holding my hand and at that point we had to go walking through a forest, but I wasn't scared anymore and there was no more urgency. I felt an absolute peace and I was so happy!
Of course the man in my dreams was Chris... As for what all the water, rockclimbing, etc. means... I'm not entirely sure... But here's a summary of what dream dictionary's say:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To dream that you are crawling, indicates that you are approaching your goals with careful forethought and preparation. Alternatively, you may be lowering yourself and your standards. To dream that you are lost in the darkness, denotes feelings of desperation, depression, or insecurity. To dream that you are groping around in the darkness, indicates that you have insufficient information to make a clear decision. Do your research and do not rush into making choices. To see water in your dream, symbolizes your unconscious and your emotional state of mind. Water is the living essence of the psyche and the flow of life energy. To dream that you are walking on water, suggests that you have supreme and ultimate control over your emotions. It may also suggest that you need to "stay on top" of your emotions and not let them explode out of hand. To see rocks in your dream, signifies permanence and stability as expressed in the familiar phrase "as solid as a rock". It may also indicate that you are making a commitment to a relationship. Or you may be contemplating some changes in your life that will lay the groundwork for a more solid foundation. On the other hand rocks may also symbolize stubbornness, disharmony and unhappiness. To dream that you are climbing a steep rock, signifies struggles, obstacles, and disappointments. To dream of wading in water, symbolizes your power and control over your emotions.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So interesting!
The same guy in the previous dream was sitting on top of a cliff, and I was trying to climb this mountain, but it was nearly impossible. The guy at the top kept encouraging me and throwing down rocks to me, so I could use them as step stones (hey, it's a dream; stuff doesn't have to make sense). So, I finally made my way to the top, and I was soooo exhausted. Once I got to the top of this mountain, the guy takes me by the hand and suddenly it's dark out. He tells me we have to walk across this river. I wanted to take my shoes and socks off, so I wouldn't get them wet, but we didn't have time - and I don't know what the urgency was. So, we crossed this river on stones in the water (with him holding my hand the whole time)... I was so scared because just beyond us was a water fall (down the mountain I had just climbed). When we got to the other shore, it was pitch black outside once again, and I couldn't see a thing anymore. The guy was still holding my hand and at that point we had to go walking through a forest, but I wasn't scared anymore and there was no more urgency. I felt an absolute peace and I was so happy!
Of course the man in my dreams was Chris... As for what all the water, rockclimbing, etc. means... I'm not entirely sure... But here's a summary of what dream dictionary's say:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To dream that you are crawling, indicates that you are approaching your goals with careful forethought and preparation. Alternatively, you may be lowering yourself and your standards. To dream that you are lost in the darkness, denotes feelings of desperation, depression, or insecurity. To dream that you are groping around in the darkness, indicates that you have insufficient information to make a clear decision. Do your research and do not rush into making choices. To see water in your dream, symbolizes your unconscious and your emotional state of mind. Water is the living essence of the psyche and the flow of life energy. To dream that you are walking on water, suggests that you have supreme and ultimate control over your emotions. It may also suggest that you need to "stay on top" of your emotions and not let them explode out of hand. To see rocks in your dream, signifies permanence and stability as expressed in the familiar phrase "as solid as a rock". It may also indicate that you are making a commitment to a relationship. Or you may be contemplating some changes in your life that will lay the groundwork for a more solid foundation. On the other hand rocks may also symbolize stubbornness, disharmony and unhappiness. To dream that you are climbing a steep rock, signifies struggles, obstacles, and disappointments. To dream of wading in water, symbolizes your power and control over your emotions.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So interesting!
Wednesday, November 7, 2007
What I Learned in 2006
I was looking through some old files today and found this. I'm posting it because sometimes I forget these things... and I really don't want to have to go through the lessons again...
A "kiss" from a puppy can temporarily heal old wounds.
A person can really, truly have a 3-day hangover.
A simple life is a happy life.
Attending funerals doesn't get easier with age.
Big secrets create big holes in a friendship.
Canadians have a different view of courteous driving than Americans.
Funerals of people you never liked are almost harder than the ones you love the most.
Having short hair makes me feel sexy; having long hair makes me feel beautiful (beautiful conquers sexy, any day).
Hearing of a friend's pain is worse than experiencing my own.
I am capable of some of the most astonishing things, but not surprisingly; these are the same things that become big secrets.
I can endure so much more than I ever thought... and still move on and be happy.
I can grow long fingernails!!
I can listen or offer advice, but I can't fix other people's problems.
I can slam Jack Daniel and Jag Bombs with the best of 'em.
I have little tolerance for other people's incompetence.
I really do learn something new about myself every day.
If mama ain't happy; ain't nobody happy.
It's easier to love the one you can't have.
It's impossible for me to keep a roommate.
It's possible to love someone, but hate what they do or who they have become.
Living alone is heavenly.
Meeting lots of new people opens my mind and heart.
My brothers are some of the best comedians I've ever seen.
My dad and I are the same person.
My passion for Wint O Green Lifesavers and CO Bigelow Mentha Lip Tint never dissipates.
No matter how long you've known someone, they grow as people, and not always in ways that you like.
No matter how seldom you talk, no matter how many fights you have, some friendships will never fade.
Problems won't get better unless I do something about them.
Regrets are a waste of energy, but impossible for me to not have.
Sometimes apps and taps with a good friend can solve all the problems in the world.
Summer isn't summer without a flower garden.
You can love someone with all you have, but sometimes that isn't enough.
You don't have to like someone just because they are your relative, but you should love them anyway.
Saturday, November 3, 2007
untitled
morals peeling away, baring the naked
exposed edge of conscience
so easily brushed aside for you
hesitation, questions tossed to the bright blue sky
swept away in the hazy, lazy wind
that love, plump with excitement
marred with imperfections
held us so close
frantic in the rush of us
blinded
carelessness and calamity simpering
in the dark corners
jealousy and distrust waiting
under the four-post bed
love peeled back the pieces of me
like the pungent peels of an orange
exposed, now, open to the world
like the burns and bites of frozen air
stealing life from fingertips
a simple glaze left over of
the steamy eyes, the salty kisses, the dark murmurs
the perfection that once was with you
now on the verge of something new
that something is without you
the chamber inside my chest
where love once dwelled
now lays barren and dark
this reality, now, tastes bitter and lonely
exposed edge of conscience
so easily brushed aside for you
hesitation, questions tossed to the bright blue sky
swept away in the hazy, lazy wind
that love, plump with excitement
marred with imperfections
held us so close
frantic in the rush of us
blinded
carelessness and calamity simpering
in the dark corners
jealousy and distrust waiting
under the four-post bed
love peeled back the pieces of me
like the pungent peels of an orange
exposed, now, open to the world
like the burns and bites of frozen air
stealing life from fingertips
a simple glaze left over of
the steamy eyes, the salty kisses, the dark murmurs
the perfection that once was with you
now on the verge of something new
that something is without you
the chamber inside my chest
where love once dwelled
now lays barren and dark
this reality, now, tastes bitter and lonely
Friday, October 26, 2007
Time will tell you, baby, what you can't hear now
Sleep, to me, is one of those precious things in life that can make or break a person. I love it and nothing makes me happier than sleeping in on a rainy Saturday morning... >sigh< With that being said, the last few weeks have been a nightmare for me to try sleep. Last night I woke up at 1:30 and was wide awake (my usual routine lately) but feeling tired to the core. Instead of my usual tossing and turning, I went to my living room, turned on some Patti Griffin rather loudly, and laid on my couch in the dark. (My cat, Charlie, then decided it was time for a marathon, so I could hear her running on her little racetrack around my apartment over Patti belting it out.) My brain would not shut off, it raced constantly, around and around like Charlie on her invisible racetrack. Finally Patti G. sang "time will tell you, baby, what you can't hear now." ...... Huh.... Promise? (Either way, it eased the racing of my brain and I could finally sleep.)
I tell you what, it's the little things that get me through!
I tell you what, it's the little things that get me through!
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
In my recent searches to find myself and my purpose, I picked up a book called "What Happy People Know." Being more of a literary person, I must say that this book is poorly written (sorry, Dr. Baker, but truth must be told). However, it has offered me a lot of insight to this crazy life and how to best manage things so that in the end I'm left smiling... or at least unbroken. Here are a few things I found of interest:
Number 1: There's no control in life. Life has it's own course. The best one can do is manage whatever it is that's been dealt -- I had never realized that before. We all know that life never seems to go as we planned; that's because we have no control. We can attempt to control people and situations in our lives, but ultimately a higher power determines our fate, and that can leave us unhappy and frustrated. So, the best we can do is take what we've been handed, try to see it as a gift, and do our best to manage it. I need to work on my managing skills.
Number 2: The greatest reason people are unhappy is fear. This one was a complete lightbulb moment for me because it's the most absolute truth I've ever heard. I think about all the things in my life that I'm dissatisfied with and the root of all of it is that I'm afraid. Dr. Baker says that all fears can be summarized into two categories: fear of not being enough and fear of not having enough. Which is very logical but I have to wonder where the fear of death falls? Generally, wouldn't that be a fear of the unknown? Hmmm, not sure. Will have to do more thinking on that one.
Number 3: The only way to overcome fear and unhappiness is love. I've thought this for a long time, but it was interesting to see it in print and clarified why and how this works. Pouring yourself into work, hobbies, faith, and people you love is the only way to fill the void and erase the fear. Reading confirmation of my suspicions has made me attempt to actively practice this. I've had some rather surprising results... both on the giving and receiving end of love.
There are so many other points in the book that have been "ah-ha!" moments but those three were the most profound to me. If you can excuse the repetition and annoying stories, check out the book, it holds many pearls of wisdom.
In further effort to connect with my inner Heidi, I went away this past weekend to stay with my brother, Thor. Thor, in and of himself, has a way of restoring me to myself... but that is another blog altogether. However, being in the middle of nowhere, with almost no other human contact for three days was frightening to me. I had no computer access and no cell phone. I have to admit that I was more than a bit terrified the first 12 hours. I don't realize what my life has become until I step away and look at it objectively. Even still, I look at my life now and wonder at myself. Who is this person? How did she get here? Where did she come from? Most importantly, where is she going?
Number 1: There's no control in life. Life has it's own course. The best one can do is manage whatever it is that's been dealt -- I had never realized that before. We all know that life never seems to go as we planned; that's because we have no control. We can attempt to control people and situations in our lives, but ultimately a higher power determines our fate, and that can leave us unhappy and frustrated. So, the best we can do is take what we've been handed, try to see it as a gift, and do our best to manage it. I need to work on my managing skills.
Number 2: The greatest reason people are unhappy is fear. This one was a complete lightbulb moment for me because it's the most absolute truth I've ever heard. I think about all the things in my life that I'm dissatisfied with and the root of all of it is that I'm afraid. Dr. Baker says that all fears can be summarized into two categories: fear of not being enough and fear of not having enough. Which is very logical but I have to wonder where the fear of death falls? Generally, wouldn't that be a fear of the unknown? Hmmm, not sure. Will have to do more thinking on that one.
Number 3: The only way to overcome fear and unhappiness is love. I've thought this for a long time, but it was interesting to see it in print and clarified why and how this works. Pouring yourself into work, hobbies, faith, and people you love is the only way to fill the void and erase the fear. Reading confirmation of my suspicions has made me attempt to actively practice this. I've had some rather surprising results... both on the giving and receiving end of love.
There are so many other points in the book that have been "ah-ha!" moments but those three were the most profound to me. If you can excuse the repetition and annoying stories, check out the book, it holds many pearls of wisdom.
In further effort to connect with my inner Heidi, I went away this past weekend to stay with my brother, Thor. Thor, in and of himself, has a way of restoring me to myself... but that is another blog altogether. However, being in the middle of nowhere, with almost no other human contact for three days was frightening to me. I had no computer access and no cell phone. I have to admit that I was more than a bit terrified the first 12 hours. I don't realize what my life has become until I step away and look at it objectively. Even still, I look at my life now and wonder at myself. Who is this person? How did she get here? Where did she come from? Most importantly, where is she going?
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
Snooze
How can something be so completely wonderful and so completely tortuous at the same time? The relief and joy that one tiny little convenience can bring is astounding... and yet, it has the ability to shred your morning apart... I'm talking about the snooze button on the alarm clock. I love that thing soooo much. Every morning, my alarm goes off and I hit the snooze button, and I fall back into sleepy paradise for 7 more minutes... Yet, after I've hit it for the 15th time in one morning, my disdain and loathing cannot be matched.
This morning I hit the snooze button only 4 times (really, it's a record for me), but each time I'd hit it and fall back into a deeper sleep than the time before. That's when things get dangerous and I sleep so heavily that I don't hear my alarm at all. So I got my grumpy rump out of bed at 28 minutes after the crack of smack.
Here's to a happy day! Cheers~
This morning I hit the snooze button only 4 times (really, it's a record for me), but each time I'd hit it and fall back into a deeper sleep than the time before. That's when things get dangerous and I sleep so heavily that I don't hear my alarm at all. So I got my grumpy rump out of bed at 28 minutes after the crack of smack.
Here's to a happy day! Cheers~
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
Lost
Scratchy throat, so dry
so painful, almost
almost feels like a cats
dry tongue, scraping it’s
rough way down my scorching throat.
Three days now, I’ve been
stranded in this barren brown sea
of sand
alone as Adam before Eve.
I’ve walked until the relentless sand has etched
itself angrily into my pores, until
my feet are ugly red balloons,
swollen now, broken and preparing.
Roads and evidence of life evaporate
as I trudge these hot, dusty miles.
Two days
two days since life
has touched my lips – life, that
bounty of nature, that key
to tomorrow. That cool, nourishing sweetness
to calm the cat licks of my throat.
Two days since the cool has wet
my palate and eased the incineration
of my throat, my skin, my clarity.
One day
one day I’ll find that
water was just a dream, that
a road to somewhere was truly a path
to nowhere.
There never was a mirage, even,
trekking those blistering, solitary miles.
And one time
one time I’ll tell myself
it was worth it
it was worth the trip, it was worth the challenge.
But, I won’t believe it.
so painful, almost
almost feels like a cats
dry tongue, scraping it’s
rough way down my scorching throat.
Three days now, I’ve been
stranded in this barren brown sea
of sand
alone as Adam before Eve.
I’ve walked until the relentless sand has etched
itself angrily into my pores, until
my feet are ugly red balloons,
swollen now, broken and preparing.
Roads and evidence of life evaporate
as I trudge these hot, dusty miles.
Two days
two days since life
has touched my lips – life, that
bounty of nature, that key
to tomorrow. That cool, nourishing sweetness
to calm the cat licks of my throat.
Two days since the cool has wet
my palate and eased the incineration
of my throat, my skin, my clarity.
One day
one day I’ll find that
water was just a dream, that
a road to somewhere was truly a path
to nowhere.
There never was a mirage, even,
trekking those blistering, solitary miles.
And one time
one time I’ll tell myself
it was worth it
it was worth the trip, it was worth the challenge.
But, I won’t believe it.
Favies
When I've had a stressful week and the work piles up around me... sometimes I just need a hug. Since soliciting hugs at work is not exactly appropriate, I jump to these sites for a couple minutes. The warm tinglies I would normally get from a hug suddenly invade me.
So, today, if you need a hug, check these sites out... or bookmark them for tomorrow!
http://bentobjects.blogspot.com/
http://postsecret.blogspot.com/
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vr3x_RRJdd4
Here's to hoping your day is full of awesome things...
~hmv
So, today, if you need a hug, check these sites out... or bookmark them for tomorrow!
http://bentobjects.blogspot.com/
http://postsecret.blogspot.com/
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vr3x_RRJdd4
Here's to hoping your day is full of awesome things...
~hmv
Monday, October 1, 2007
Autumn
I love fall. It's one of the most amazing times of the year. It seems that overnight someone flips a switch and you wake up to yellow leaves and that distinct chill in the air that smells of fall. The incredible beauty of this time of year leaves me feeling nostalgic and at times melancholy.
So many days... so many days I remember jumping off the bus after school, the smell of fall and diesel fuel floating around me, with my backback and jacket slung across my back, I would race Thor to the house... making sure I was the first to tell mom about my day... pulling school papers out of my backpack to show her my grades. Mom would be home, usually making dinner, always with fresh bread and milk ready for our afternoon snack. The smell of pencil erasers, paper, and homemade bread invade my senses even now when I remember these days. After a quick rundown of my day with Mom, Thor and I would head back outside to play... often with the kittens in the barn, or raking all the oak leaves in the yard into a huge pile in front of the swing. We'd then swing as high as we could and jump into the huge pile of leaves. This would entertain us indefinitely. If we were lucky, we didn't have much homework and could spend the evening outside... until the sun would set, and it would become so chilly that we'd reluctantly find sweatshirts or jackets, and our noses would become pink and runny. Finally, at dark, Mom would make us go inside, and I remember dreading my shower before bedtime because the smell of fall and outdoors would be washed from my hair.
Now, when I smell fall, feel fall, I miss the excitement of being a kid... of the anticipation of every new minute. Growing up and all the things I have been through have made fall a bittersweet season. I still love it, and I always will, but it brings tough memories and lessons that are sometimes difficult to forget... and not even forget, but to get past. Adeline. Lindsay. These people and situations will always be associated with autumn. There was a period in my life where I used to think of fall as a time of death... leaves, crops, people... dying. But now I try to think of it as a time of hibernation and learning; a preparation of sorts. Hibernate in the way that you need to shut down and return to neutral. Store up those things you love, hold them close, and be content. Learning - because fall will always mean learning to me. Discover what it is you love, why you love it, why you grow from it.
Fall is preparation for something big and profound... the calm before the storm... the darkness before the light. This fall, more than ever, I feel that I'm preparing. I'm not sure what it is I'm preparing for, but I'm certain it does not matter.
So many days... so many days I remember jumping off the bus after school, the smell of fall and diesel fuel floating around me, with my backback and jacket slung across my back, I would race Thor to the house... making sure I was the first to tell mom about my day... pulling school papers out of my backpack to show her my grades. Mom would be home, usually making dinner, always with fresh bread and milk ready for our afternoon snack. The smell of pencil erasers, paper, and homemade bread invade my senses even now when I remember these days. After a quick rundown of my day with Mom, Thor and I would head back outside to play... often with the kittens in the barn, or raking all the oak leaves in the yard into a huge pile in front of the swing. We'd then swing as high as we could and jump into the huge pile of leaves. This would entertain us indefinitely. If we were lucky, we didn't have much homework and could spend the evening outside... until the sun would set, and it would become so chilly that we'd reluctantly find sweatshirts or jackets, and our noses would become pink and runny. Finally, at dark, Mom would make us go inside, and I remember dreading my shower before bedtime because the smell of fall and outdoors would be washed from my hair.
Now, when I smell fall, feel fall, I miss the excitement of being a kid... of the anticipation of every new minute. Growing up and all the things I have been through have made fall a bittersweet season. I still love it, and I always will, but it brings tough memories and lessons that are sometimes difficult to forget... and not even forget, but to get past. Adeline. Lindsay. These people and situations will always be associated with autumn. There was a period in my life where I used to think of fall as a time of death... leaves, crops, people... dying. But now I try to think of it as a time of hibernation and learning; a preparation of sorts. Hibernate in the way that you need to shut down and return to neutral. Store up those things you love, hold them close, and be content. Learning - because fall will always mean learning to me. Discover what it is you love, why you love it, why you grow from it.
Fall is preparation for something big and profound... the calm before the storm... the darkness before the light. This fall, more than ever, I feel that I'm preparing. I'm not sure what it is I'm preparing for, but I'm certain it does not matter.
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
Where, oh where, did my little soul go? Where, oh where, can she be?
So I woke up this morning by my alarm - I hit the snooze and curled deeper into my covers with the hope of catching a few more winks of sleep. Instead, I was immediately awake and overtaken by thoughts and memories of the former boy-toy I mentioned a few blogs ago. His beautiful eyes, his smile, things he said... waved in and out of my mind like a hallucinogen. My heart sunk further and further into my chest until I was gagged by it. My thought was, it's Tuesday morning, I'm already sad as hell and I haven't even gotten my saggy butt out of bed yet. So, I struggled through another harrassment of my alarm and tried to figure out what I can do or think to make this yucky boy crap go away. I thought about work today, my history and poetry classes, getting to the gym, and collapsing into bed tonight when I get home. I'll leave home at 6:45 this morning and not be home again until 10:00 tonight. Thank goodness for a busy day! Then I began to worry about tomorrow... I don't have as much stuff going on tomorrow... or the day after... or the day after! What will I do then? Eventually the sadness and anxiety started to choke me again, and I had to tell myself to just STOP. Just stop. Find someone new. And move on. Somehow that made me even sadder still.
Then I realized, a small epiphany... I need to stop. Find myself. And move on.
Then I realized, a small epiphany... I need to stop. Find myself. And move on.
Monday, September 24, 2007
Rain
Hot, heavy, black night
Air so full of rain
Feels like breathing sea
Long blades of glistening grass
Defeated by our weight
Thick silence broken by the grumbling
Deep within the earth
Fireflies flickering through the fields
Flashes of yellow deep in the dark
Your breath warmly washing over me
Black billows overcoming
Dense darkness
In this open field of green
Scents of earth, life, you
Invade my pores, my dreams
The gentle hush begins
Soft drops of warm water
Kiss my face, arms, legs
Tender persuasion
This tangle up with you.
~hmv003
Air so full of rain
Feels like breathing sea
Long blades of glistening grass
Defeated by our weight
Thick silence broken by the grumbling
Deep within the earth
Fireflies flickering through the fields
Flashes of yellow deep in the dark
Your breath warmly washing over me
Black billows overcoming
Dense darkness
In this open field of green
Scents of earth, life, you
Invade my pores, my dreams
The gentle hush begins
Soft drops of warm water
Kiss my face, arms, legs
Tender persuasion
This tangle up with you.
~hmv003
County Fair
I remember, as a small girl
Being mesmerized by
The explosion of color
Against the backdrop of the summer night sky
Glittering, twinkling, flashing fluorescents
Reds, greens, blues
Advertising their excitement
And offers of adrenaline
The smells of anticipation
Grease, dust, sweets, animals
Filled my nose in a kaleidoscope
That made my tummy reel uneasily
Wandering here and there
Scents ebb and flow
Making my way through bulging bellys
And whip-like teens
Wading through booths of floating ducks
And scarred bowling pins
Through ponies plodding in pointless circles
To the fair ride as big as two houses
Waiting in line, I clenched my ticket
And plastic bag full of clouds
Of sky blue sugar, clouds that melted
And left stains on my tongue and fingertips.
~hmv003
Saturday, September 22, 2007
Down with Grownups!
Some days I really hate being a grownup... or shall I say 'adult.' I have a to-do list next to me, of which includes laundry, grocery shopping, changing the oil on my car, ironing, paying bills, changing the kitty litter, getting a haircut... the list goes on, but I will not continue to bore you with my unoriginality.
What I would really like to do this GLORIOUS Saturday is round up some great friends for a game of kickball! Are you game?
What I would really like to do this GLORIOUS Saturday is round up some great friends for a game of kickball! Are you game?
Friday, September 21, 2007
Get the Shovel!
After months and months of relationship frustration, it is finally over. Done. Finito. I am able to come to peace that this person that I have been pouring so much energy, thought, love, and time is not the right person for me. However, I have issue with the fact that we, as a people, are allowed to love and want and need a person that is wrong for us. How unfair does it seem, that The Big Guy Upstairs puts these amazing people in our lives to have them ripped away?
Now, I know that this is life. Life is unfair. Life is often cruel. So, I have to wonder what the purpose of these miserable relationships is. The only explanation I can come up with is that we are supposed to learn from these people. Learn how to love; how to love better, stronger, more freely; how to trust; how to grow; how to open up; how to shut down... Everyone has their own lessons to learn in life, but this method of teaching these lessons seems particularly cruel to me. There are a lot of people in this world that always have to learn the hard way. I never saw myself as that person before, but apparently I am! I just think I'd learn these lessons of life a lot better and easier, if the lessons themselves weren't so damn hard.
I'm not just talking about romantic relationships. I'm talking all relationships, all human contact. I can't tell you how many people have walked through my life and even though I'd known them hours, they left a huge imprint on me. It's just unfair that these certain people are put in our lives, and we grow to love them, and care for them more than anything... and then they slip away. Suddenly they are gone and you have this gaping hole through the center of your being that needs to be filled. How do you begin filling it?
Now, I know that this is life. Life is unfair. Life is often cruel. So, I have to wonder what the purpose of these miserable relationships is. The only explanation I can come up with is that we are supposed to learn from these people. Learn how to love; how to love better, stronger, more freely; how to trust; how to grow; how to open up; how to shut down... Everyone has their own lessons to learn in life, but this method of teaching these lessons seems particularly cruel to me. There are a lot of people in this world that always have to learn the hard way. I never saw myself as that person before, but apparently I am! I just think I'd learn these lessons of life a lot better and easier, if the lessons themselves weren't so damn hard.
I'm not just talking about romantic relationships. I'm talking all relationships, all human contact. I can't tell you how many people have walked through my life and even though I'd known them hours, they left a huge imprint on me. It's just unfair that these certain people are put in our lives, and we grow to love them, and care for them more than anything... and then they slip away. Suddenly they are gone and you have this gaping hole through the center of your being that needs to be filled. How do you begin filling it?
Thursday, September 20, 2007
Possiblilities
My first blog for an official blogger site. I've written blogs before for Myspace, but they tended to be a bit "diary" (i.e. confessional) and extremely personal. So, I've decided I need to write a blog for the masses, or the 1 or 2 people who may or may not care, about things that I would actually either be willing to share, or learn to stretch the bounds of my personal comfort and spill the beans on all....
Besides the personalism in blogging, my other concern was/is: is my life really exciting enough to blog about? I've decided that it is probably not, but that will not stop me. I have a need to write, no matter what the content, and this will be the dumping grounds.
Thoughts, comments, concerns, and critiques are always welcomed and encouraged...
Until next time!
Besides the personalism in blogging, my other concern was/is: is my life really exciting enough to blog about? I've decided that it is probably not, but that will not stop me. I have a need to write, no matter what the content, and this will be the dumping grounds.
Thoughts, comments, concerns, and critiques are always welcomed and encouraged...
Until next time!
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