Secret

Sometimes I think I will know I've found the love of my life by looking at his hands.

What I learned in 2009

2009 has been a year for the record books. My personal worst year yet. Full of trials and errors and confusion and upsets, I've made it through. I've learned so many things. I was on a brief hiatus from work and normal life to straighten out my health, of which I'm still contemplating sharing here. Confusion and miscommunication with friends, loss of a position/career I loved, loss of loved ones by death and choice, moving again, financial burdens like nothing I've ever experienced... have all led me to believe that I'm SUPERWOMAN.  I have survived it all and so many times I thought I couldn't. So many times. But here I am writing about it, throwing my trials to the public to say that if I can make it, surely you can too.

I have recorded lessons I have learned in the past. When rereading them they seem so relatively light-hearted and sometimes funny to me. (I don't believe I have a 'lessons learned' for 2008. Must have been a good year; or bad, depending on how you look at it.)

http://hmv003.blogspot.com/2008/01/what-i-learned-in-2007.html

http://hmv003.blogspot.com/2007/11/what-i-learned-in-2006.html

But for 2009, this is a short list of the things I have learned:

• People come into your life for a reason. Always for a specific reason. If you look hard enough, you'll find the purpose and the qualities in that person that were required for the job.
• Sometimes you have to lose everything to gain something.
• People truly care if you trust them enough to open your heart to them.
• People aren't nearly as judgmental as I suspected them to be.
• Never underestimate the power of support; giving or receiving.
• Life is scary and challenging; life is scarier and tougher on your own.
• You can hope for something or someone to change, but it will never happen unless you make it so.
• Smile even when you can't find anything to smile about.
• It is so important to do your best and fight for what you need.
• Pride goeth before the fall.
• Never lose hope. When you have no hope, you have nothing.
• I have the choice to feel, think, do, say what I want. It's not all left to chance.
• Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. (Proverbs 3:5)

There are so many more lessons, less important lessons, that have also smacked me in the face. But the list above are the ones that have hit me hardest. I'm thankful for that. I feel that at 28 years of age, I have gained a ton of knowledge, often by my own stupidity and often by what the Lord thought I should learn. Hopefully someday this knowledge will age into wisdom and I may help someone else along with their journey.

Merry Christmas

This Christmas, despite the stresses of gift-buying and Christmas baking without the proper equipment, is a joy to me. Now that my shopping and attempts at baking are complete, I can take the time to ponder this holiday season, my family, the meaning of Christmas, and what this means for me.

The holiday season is one of giving. Tucking a few extra dollars in the Salvation Army jar or donating to the local foodshelf are grounding tools. Buying, buying, buying seems to be the focus of so many people's Christmas that one loses focus of reality. Giving to those who are less fortunate helps to ground a person. Thinking about others is huge during the holiday season - but giving from the heart to family and friends, and strangers too, whether it be a pretty sweater or a can of soup - should be at the front of our minds.

My family is so precious to me. This hasn't always been the case. In the past year, I have come to realize how much they love me and how much I love them. Spending time with them over the holidays makes me appreciate them even more.

Christmas. Christ's birth. This is truly what the season is all about. The other day at work, an India-native wished me a merry Christmas in the hallway. I wished him a merry Christmas back, fully aware that maybe he wasn't a Christian. (I wonder about this still. Why, then, would he wish me a merry Christmas? Is it like birthdays? I wish you a happy birthday even though it isn't my own? I wish you a happy holiday of your belief even if it isn't my own? I wonder because he gave me a startled look when I responded. hehe ;) Either way, I make a point to say merry Christmas whenever I can to remind myself that this truly is about Christmas. This truly is about celebrating the birth of Christ. God gave us his own Son to save us from ourselves. I choose to believe that is why we give gifts; another reminder of God's Great Gift to us. This Great Gift means more to me than anything else in the world. Gifts, lights, wonderful food, family, friends, Christmas trees, etc., just serve as reminders of what we're celebrating this joyous time of year.

Weekend

Spent Saturday evening with my family at my brother's beautiful home. We celebrated Christmas a little early because Travis has to work over Christmas. It was a fantastic evening; great food, awesome gifts, and best of all, some of my favorite people in the world.

More pictures are at the link in the sideboard.

She wants to cuddle!

Happy day to me

Today is my birthday and I am less than thrilled about it. I hate having another, larger digit associated with me. As the years tick by it feels that I have to be more mature, more reserved (?!) than the year before. Okay, that is a tall order since I have been an old lady since I was... I don't know... 4? Maybe that is not completely true, but I have always been reserved in certain ways and have felt the need to be proper.

Also there is this need to have accomplished something large (even in a small way, you know what I mean?) in my life. I have had my own small accomplishments, but they don't feel like THE THING I am supposed to do in my life. I have to wonder if other people feel the same way? It feels like a neon sign hanging over my head reading "IT." IT is the thing - my calling, my purpose - that needs to be completed. But the thing is - I have NO idea what it is! Whatever IT is, IT is my definition of success. Maybe it is writing my book, maybe it is being a mother, maybe it is helping the little old lady across the street, I don't know. But is something that defines my life. Something that defines who I am supposed to be. This feeling is sooo strong in my being that it is in the back of my mind daily. Some may think this is horrible, that I may feel that I am never living up to my potential. It is when I think this way that I hate my birthday. Another year goes by without putting that neon sign out. But I sometimes think of it as an opportunity. An opportunity to seek out moments or experiences that give me a glimpse of IT.

Maybe you find IT shortly before you die; maybe you fulfill your purpose and then God calls you home. But maybe finding IT is just the beginning of fulfilling your purpose. And maybe IT, in all it's forms and purposes, is different for each and every one of us.

Shes awfully tired!

Politics and the lack of generosity of spirit

Politics has always been a heady subject for me. I feel like I'm standing in quicksand when I start a conversation of politics. Everyone has such strong opinions and seems to know *just* where they stand. I know how I feel about gun control (every law-abiding citizen has the right to bear arms), abortion (pro-life all the way), same-sex marriages (should be outlawed everywhere), war (find your target, aim carefully, and shoot. Quick, clean, done.), illegal immigrants (are illegal and should be treated as such), etc. But I struggle with topics that lean both ways; where one decision can impact the other side of the fence very negatively.

For instance, welfare. The program has been long criticized for feeding the lazy and letting capable workers off the hook. But it has also been feeding hungry children and housing desperate parents who have no other way to turn. As always, of course there are people who abuse the system. But do we sacrifice the program to the detriment of those truly in need?

Insurance. Such a huge, sore topic right now. The people who already have insurance pay out of the nose for their coverage and still half their medical bills are not covered. Those who are not covered by medical insurance suffer in silence and go untreated. How do we fix this? Do we pour billions, perhaps trillions of money into initiatives that may or may not work? There are so many options, and I am afraid that all those options lead to more problems. There is no one, true solution. I believe it will take money, lots of money, to fix the medical insurance problem. It would be worth it for the solution. I'm not so sure it would be worth it for 'overhauls,' 'reforms,' 'initiatives,' etc.

There are so many issues that need the American public's attention. There are so many things that need to be fixed. But to what end? Raising taxes to fund education intiatives? Does the end justify the means? It has to or we are sinking so much deeper than the mess we've gotten ourselves into.

Working together to promote the wholeness and preserving the rights of the American people should be at the top of every congressman, governor, and president's agenda. It seems so often that personal agendas get in the way of the overall good and it is disheartening to see. Each and every person will have a different opinion of what is right and best for this group, that race, this religion... The differences are endless. However, your rights and decisions should not infringe upon my rights and priveledges and that is what American life is boiling down to. A man goes to jail because a robber breaks into his home and threatens him. The man defends himself, injures the robber, and is sent to jail. His rights disintigrated because of another mans decision.

America is the land of the free and home of the brave, and we should remember to keep it that way. The quicksand lies in the gray areas of our freedoms and rights. There should be no gray areas. The United States of America was born an English-speaking, Christian, God-given-rights nation. Society needs to stop trying to make us people-pleasing and self-serving.

This post is all over the board. There are so many things to discuss and argue but I do not have the energy for it. I do not claim to know much of anything about politics. What I do know is what is in my heart. The best for my country and its people.

I do not know if what I believe makes me a Republican or Democrat. Maybe it does not matter.