My broken road

In the car this evening, the radio played the song by the Rascal Flatts "Broken Road." Call me stressed. Call me hormonal. Call me crazy, but I burst into tears. Every "you" in the song should be capitalized to signify that "You" is God. I know the song is meant to be a love song, and it is for me too... but a love song about my relationship with God. I wandered lost for so long, looking for love. My travels were mostly bumpy and broken, but always redirecting me to a place I wasn't yet comfortable going... until now. "But I got lost a time or two, wiped my brow and kept pushing through. I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to You..."

My heart absolutely aches for the lost time and all the sadness and fear I felt when I knew He was there, but couldn't see Him because of my own blindness. But I finally found Him and although my relationship with Him isn't perfect; He is. And, in that, I know we will be ok.


Broken Road
I set out on a narrow way, many years ago
Hoping I would find true love along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you

Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart, they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true

That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you
Yes He did

I think about the years I spent, just passing through
I'd like to have the time I lost, and give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand
You've been there, you understand
It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true

Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart, they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true

That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

But now I'm just rolling home into my lover's arms
This much I know is true

That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

Growing trust

My family and I have exchanged the phrase "life never gets any easier" so many times the past couple of months that it's like a burned-in reminder and it certainly seems to be true lately. I have to admit that I have been letting it drag me down a bit. It's difficult. I won't go into any details because it's in God's hands. But it's the heaviest troubles I've ever faced and it breaks my heart that I am in this boat. I've been gaining weight and losing sleep at an alarming rate. I have been focusing on the negative in the situation and letting anger and fear control me.

Yesterday, I realized this and saw this as the reason that it's been so difficult for me to lift my chin lately. For the last several years now I have been happier, more content, and focused on my health and well-being than I have been the last 20 years. It feels like that has been melting away the last couple of months and yesterday I realized what I must do.

I must trust God. I have to. It is my only life-line. It is something I have never been good at. I also need to refocus myself and turn toward the positives and reach for things that make me happy and fill my cup. I look forward to refocusing on that because I know that is what makes me feel better. I need to set goals for myself and redefine my priorities. I need to stop letting the mole-hills become mountains, and wishing for the mountains to become mole-hills.  I need to see the mountains for what they are and accept them. Yes, this is awful. Yes, this is scary and maddening, but I need to accept that it is what it is. However, I do NOT need to accept that this is my fate. Wishing doesn't do much unless you provide the action that pushes it from a wish to reality. Yes, I wish my situation were different but it does nothing to wish unless I act upon my will. I choose to not accept this for my life and will work towards a better outcome. I will fight tooth and nail for my family, my health, and my happiness. I won't give up and I won't back down. It won't be easy, but I am working on trust in God to help me through. I certainly can't do this without Him. That realization has already made the process, if not easier, lighter. I am not alone in this battle. Thank God for that. Literally.

Rice cereal

Ms. Ruby tried rice cereal for the first time last night. It was a delight to me and so much like a spiritual journey that I was somewhat in tears. Ruby didn't mind; she smiled and coo'd all the same. I mixed the cereal very runny and fed it to Ruby with a bright yellow spoon. She kept her eye on that spoon and grabbed at it several times. I would place the spoon on her lips and she would suck on it, and as soon as the cereal hit her tongue she stuck her tongue out and out came the cereal! When the cereal was too far in her mouth for her to spit out, she would chew like an old man chewing on his tobacco. She looked at me like I was nuts when I laughed. It was such a joy to share this new experience with her.

It makes me think of all the firsts we'll have together - and I'm so excited for those firsts!