Some people may view life as a dorky kid, with dirty sneakers and untied laces, bouncing a big ball. That ball is people. Humans. Us. The kid throws the ball, bounces it, kicks it. They say life kicks us. Sometimes it kicks us in the ass, sometimes in the teeth.
But I have come to realize it is the opposite. I think people are the snotty-nosed kid who kicks around the ball called life. The ball is unassuming and harmless; still when not disrupted. Then we come along, tripping over our own feet, hell bent on lodging that ball as far as we can. We fling life irratically, dramatically, or inconsequentially to our whims.
Well, what do you know, that damn ball hits the wall and rebounds right back into our face everytime.
That is how I see life. Life isn't necessarily hard on us. We are hard on us. We have control over the ball: how, where, and why we throw it. Yes, a few things are out of our control, but how we think, react, or feel about those things is completely within our control. We have the ability and choice to throw the ball how high, far, or fast we want.
I have the ability to control my life and I can't describe how liberating that is.
Thursday, April 28, 2011
It's going to be a great day
Today is going to be a great day... that's what my heart and mind tell me. Can't doubt them!
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Self-care
It is no secret what taking care of yourself does to your life and longevity. It has long been researched that healthy food fuels your body, heals illnesses, and provides energy among an abudance of other wonderful benefits. Exercise. Exercise! What doesn't exercise benefit? Meditation clears the brain and offers stress relief which is proven to strengthen the heart. There are so many amazing measures to heal the body, mind, and spirit and I have only begun to experiment with these things.
The most significant and rigorous self care for myself has been exercising. I began the beginning of January 2011, even though I held a gym membership since June 2010 and had only been using it occasionally (ugh, the wasted money). I've been averaging 5 days a week now and the improvement in my mood, physical health, and confidence has been astounding. I haven't lost a pound but I've lost inches. The confidence comes from the pride in finally realizing my body is an important tool and needs to be valued and revered. My mind becomes clear when I exercise and the clouds part. My energy soars and I feel truly alive. I have not felt that exhilaration in ages. The evenings I miss my routine I feel anxious and guilty and long to go to the gym.
I still struggle with the healthy eating. I do really well for a period of time and then I fall off the boat. It is a struggle because there are so many healthful foods that I dislike and plenty of sweets that I do. As are many things in my life, this is a work in progress. The internet has provided much information and suggestions that have helped me to improve and I guess I will continue to educate myself and practice until this, too, becomes a good habit.
Meditation is the most difficult yet fascinating tool to self care I can imagine. I once heard the quote that prayer is the practice of speaking to God; meditation is the practice of listening. To quiet the mind and listen to the rumblings of silence and God is a terrifying action for me. It's difficult for me to shut out problems and worries to focus on nothing much less listen to what it is God is saying, what my heart—not the mind—is saying. What if what it/He has to say throws my whole world off kilter, as it has before? What if it or He challenges my beliefs or thoughts? What then? Well, these questions are sometimes to intimidating to face and often meditation is thrown aside. When courage rises, though, I can sit down and patiently listen and breathe. Then I can face the challenges that might arise and I feel empowered yet soothed.
I guess what I am trying to say is that I feel to be in such a great spot in my life that I can focus on taking care of myself. I value myself in a way that I never have before and it is an eye-opening experience. What brought about this change is the lifting of depression and the subsequent view of the world as always gloomy and hopeless. These days the light shines through to my heart and I see the value in everything and am learning to appreciate each breath. I feel like a baby exploring the world and myself and it is such an amazing experience.
The most significant and rigorous self care for myself has been exercising. I began the beginning of January 2011, even though I held a gym membership since June 2010 and had only been using it occasionally (ugh, the wasted money). I've been averaging 5 days a week now and the improvement in my mood, physical health, and confidence has been astounding. I haven't lost a pound but I've lost inches. The confidence comes from the pride in finally realizing my body is an important tool and needs to be valued and revered. My mind becomes clear when I exercise and the clouds part. My energy soars and I feel truly alive. I have not felt that exhilaration in ages. The evenings I miss my routine I feel anxious and guilty and long to go to the gym.
I still struggle with the healthy eating. I do really well for a period of time and then I fall off the boat. It is a struggle because there are so many healthful foods that I dislike and plenty of sweets that I do. As are many things in my life, this is a work in progress. The internet has provided much information and suggestions that have helped me to improve and I guess I will continue to educate myself and practice until this, too, becomes a good habit.
Meditation is the most difficult yet fascinating tool to self care I can imagine. I once heard the quote that prayer is the practice of speaking to God; meditation is the practice of listening. To quiet the mind and listen to the rumblings of silence and God is a terrifying action for me. It's difficult for me to shut out problems and worries to focus on nothing much less listen to what it is God is saying, what my heart—not the mind—is saying. What if what it/He has to say throws my whole world off kilter, as it has before? What if it or He challenges my beliefs or thoughts? What then? Well, these questions are sometimes to intimidating to face and often meditation is thrown aside. When courage rises, though, I can sit down and patiently listen and breathe. Then I can face the challenges that might arise and I feel empowered yet soothed.
I guess what I am trying to say is that I feel to be in such a great spot in my life that I can focus on taking care of myself. I value myself in a way that I never have before and it is an eye-opening experience. What brought about this change is the lifting of depression and the subsequent view of the world as always gloomy and hopeless. These days the light shines through to my heart and I see the value in everything and am learning to appreciate each breath. I feel like a baby exploring the world and myself and it is such an amazing experience.
Thursday, April 21, 2011
The old MO
So there comes a time when a person gets tired of carrying their secrets and wants to start anew. I am at that point in my life. I have always been a self-conscious person, terrified of showing my vulnerabilities, insecurities, and pitfalls. I do not want to show people my quick temper or my emotional extremes. I have wanted to be seen as the sweet one. And for the most part that is what people tend to see in me. I don’t tend to think of it as sweetness anymore; I think of it as being cowardly. What it boils down to is not wanting to be judged negatively. I think for the most part people haven’t viewed me negatively, but I probably appear very boring. I don’t want to be boring anymore and I don’t want to care what people feel about me anymore. But I am not entirely sure how to change my whole MO. Not knowing what to do, and the resulting inaction, can make me spin my wheels forever. Another comfortable MO of mine. So, whether I know where to begin making this change or not, I am taking action. I will learn along the way. Probably with some hard knocks as that is seemingly the only way I learn. I am somewhat fearless when it comes to life’s challenges and hard knocks. I have faced mountains I never dreamed I would have to face and sunk to lows lower than my naïve mind could imagine (more on those later).
I need to embrace my vulnerabilities and share my secrets. Maybe it would help someone on their journey. Maybe it would open me to a whole new world of friends and life that I haven’t experienced yet. We’ll see.
“Out of your vulnerabilities will come your strengths.” –Sigmund Freud
I need to embrace my vulnerabilities and share my secrets. Maybe it would help someone on their journey. Maybe it would open me to a whole new world of friends and life that I haven’t experienced yet. We’ll see.
“Out of your vulnerabilities will come your strengths.” –Sigmund Freud
Monday, April 18, 2011
A time to write
I have been on hiatus... well, because life happens. But I am back, hopefully for a good, long while.
A few things happening lately... work has been interesting. I have been trying to convince my superiors (hate that phrase) that I deserve a promotion. Whether or not that will happen in this century remains a mystery. To be continued...
I dreamed last night that I was sitting in bleachers reading a book about dinasours to exboyfriends. I love the irony of it.
Men, oh, men. This topic remains one of discontent for me; has for some time now. Not sure where to go with it or what to do about it. Maybe my dream from last night is a good indicator.
Working out has been fantastic. I have been a gym rat since the beginning of January and have been really enjoying it until lately. I have been getting bored with my routine and need to shake it up a bit, maybe with the help of a personal trainer... once I grow the cahoonas to be ordered around and beat upon by their ferocious and complicated routines. Although I haven't lost anything on the scale, I can feel my body changing in amazing ways. I have noticed. People have noticed. It has done incredible things for my confidence and I need to remember that when I feel the boredom trickle in. More on this later.
It feels good to be writing again and although I may have an audience of none, throwing my thoughts out to the world is good practice for me.
A few things happening lately... work has been interesting. I have been trying to convince my superiors (hate that phrase) that I deserve a promotion. Whether or not that will happen in this century remains a mystery. To be continued...
I dreamed last night that I was sitting in bleachers reading a book about dinasours to exboyfriends. I love the irony of it.
Men, oh, men. This topic remains one of discontent for me; has for some time now. Not sure where to go with it or what to do about it. Maybe my dream from last night is a good indicator.
Working out has been fantastic. I have been a gym rat since the beginning of January and have been really enjoying it until lately. I have been getting bored with my routine and need to shake it up a bit, maybe with the help of a personal trainer... once I grow the cahoonas to be ordered around and beat upon by their ferocious and complicated routines. Although I haven't lost anything on the scale, I can feel my body changing in amazing ways. I have noticed. People have noticed. It has done incredible things for my confidence and I need to remember that when I feel the boredom trickle in. More on this later.
It feels good to be writing again and although I may have an audience of none, throwing my thoughts out to the world is good practice for me.
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