Mind you, none of the challenges I have faced lately have been earth-shattering. However, the challenges coming at me from every direction has been overwhelming and I probably could have handled it better... but I am doing the best I can under the circumstances. Some days, I feel like I can handle only the very thing in front of me; everything else needs to wait. And, oh yes, the cherry on top? Insomnia. That helps a great ton. ;)
Anyway, in thinking about how difficult the last few months have been and how I feel neither the desire nor will to list the items I am grateful for, this is the time I need it the very most. I realize also that remembering gratitude in my struggles will most likely make those struggles more bearable, but like I said - one thing at a time! Learning, growing, and trying to better, always.
So, I will force it. This Thanksgiving, these are the things I am most thankful for...
My health. I debated putting my health or Ruby first, and if I didn't have my health, I couldn't care for Ruby the way I need to... so I will first say I am grateful for my health. I had struggled with depression and anxiety for so many years, that there is not a day that goes by that I am not conscious of the fact that I am not in a black pit of despair. I have found appreciation for the techniques and tools I learned during the depressive years that have helped me cope the last several months. Physically, I have been feeling unwell, but for good reason - and I remind myself that it is only for a season. I can live with it, if it means that I get to love the bundle at the end of the season.
Ruby. My daughter, my heart, my sidekick, and my joy. She is my favorite person to be around. She's wonderful and generous and loving and deeply caring. She is so much of what is good in this world. She amazes and makes me laugh every day. There's something special about that child and I feel so lucky to be her mom and sit in the glow of the light that she brings this world. And I am so eternally grateful to be a mother all over again.
I am grateful for my family and friends. My family has been hugely supportive and protective of me and Ruby, and although we have many differences of opinion, they forgive me my faults and sins and love Ruby and me wildly. My friends have been my strength and courage in life. I have a small circle of truly incredible people I call friends. For so long, I lamented that I had a small circle. Then, I realized that for what I lack in quantity, I have in quality; real friends who love hard and support endlessly and show up for me over and over and over again. If my life were a body, Ruby would be my heart. My family would be the bones, and my friends? The muscle. They give me strength when I am weak. They provide wisdom when I fall flat, and love me when I cannot find me.
Cornell. I am so grateful to have known and experienced mind-blowing love. A deep and powerful love that I never expected to be blessed with. I am grateful to know the incredible man that he is, to observe the love and connection between him and Ruby, and to watch him become a father. I am thankful for the things I have learned on our journey and how, in so many ways, he has broken my heart open. Things have been really difficult for us and because of those difficulties, I find myself growing in ways I never expected. It has been painful, but growth is often painful and I realize our challenges have been a necessary part of my evolution. So, no matter what our future holds, I am grateful for and humbled by the love we have shared.
I am thankful for the life I have. I have been trying to educate myself on others, i.e., cultures, countries, people, ethnicity. I realize more every day how lucky I am to be who I am in the circumstances I am in. I am a healthy woman, a mother, a white, employed, middle-class American. All of these things are extreme privileges that set me up for an easier life than a vast majority of the people in the world, and I do not and cannot take that for granted. I realize that complaining about signing papers to return to the school may sound positively despicable to so many in the world who worry about the safety and health of their children before the luxury of school. I cannot deny that I am hugely privileged and I am so grateful for the blessings that come with that privilege. My great hope is that God uses my life and privilege to teach me to both love more generously and ease the burden for others.
There are so many more things to be grateful for... but those are the main items on my mind and in my heart this Thanksgiving. Somehow, life seems a little more beautiful now then when I started this post. :) Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours.
