Where, oh where, did my little soul go? Where, oh where, can she be?

So I woke up this morning by my alarm - I hit the snooze and curled deeper into my covers with the hope of catching a few more winks of sleep. Instead, I was immediately awake and overtaken by thoughts and memories of the former boy-toy I mentioned a few blogs ago. His beautiful eyes, his smile, things he said... waved in and out of my mind like a hallucinogen. My heart sunk further and further into my chest until I was gagged by it. My thought was, it's Tuesday morning, I'm already sad as hell and I haven't even gotten my saggy butt out of bed yet. So, I struggled through another harrassment of my alarm and tried to figure out what I can do or think to make this yucky boy crap go away. I thought about work today, my history and poetry classes, getting to the gym, and collapsing into bed tonight when I get home. I'll leave home at 6:45 this morning and not be home again until 10:00 tonight. Thank goodness for a busy day! Then I began to worry about tomorrow... I don't have as much stuff going on tomorrow... or the day after... or the day after! What will I do then? Eventually the sadness and anxiety started to choke me again, and I had to tell myself to just STOP. Just stop. Find someone new. And move on. Somehow that made me even sadder still.

Then I realized, a small epiphany... I need to stop. Find myself. And move on.

Rain

Hot, heavy, black night
Air so full of rain
Feels like breathing sea
Long blades of glistening grass
Defeated by our weight

Thick silence broken by the grumbling
Deep within the earth
Fireflies flickering through the fields
Flashes of yellow deep in the dark
Your breath warmly washing over me

Black billows overcoming
Dense darkness
In this open field of green
Scents of earth, life, you
Invade my pores, my dreams

The gentle hush begins
Soft drops of warm water
Kiss my face, arms, legs
Tender persuasion
This tangle up with you.

~hmv003

County Fair

I remember, as a small girl
Being mesmerized by
The explosion of color
Against the backdrop of the summer night sky

Glittering, twinkling, flashing fluorescents
Reds, greens, blues
Advertising their excitement
And offers of adrenaline

The smells of anticipation
Grease, dust, sweets, animals
Filled my nose in a kaleidoscope
That made my tummy reel uneasily

Wandering here and there
Scents ebb and flow
Making my way through bulging bellys
And whip-like teens

Wading through booths of floating ducks
And scarred bowling pins
Through ponies plodding in pointless circles
To the fair ride as big as two houses

Waiting in line, I clenched my ticket
And plastic bag full of clouds
Of sky blue sugar, clouds that melted
And left stains on my tongue and fingertips.

~hmv003

Down with Grownups!

Some days I really hate being a grownup... or shall I say 'adult.' I have a to-do list next to me, of which includes laundry, grocery shopping, changing the oil on my car, ironing, paying bills, changing the kitty litter, getting a haircut... the list goes on, but I will not continue to bore you with my unoriginality.

What I would really like to do this GLORIOUS Saturday is round up some great friends for a game of kickball! Are you game?

Get the Shovel!

After months and months of relationship frustration, it is finally over. Done. Finito. I am able to come to peace that this person that I have been pouring so much energy, thought, love, and time is not the right person for me. However, I have issue with the fact that we, as a people, are allowed to love and want and need a person that is wrong for us. How unfair does it seem, that The Big Guy Upstairs puts these amazing people in our lives to have them ripped away?

Now, I know that this is life. Life is unfair. Life is often cruel. So, I have to wonder what the purpose of these miserable relationships is. The only explanation I can come up with is that we are supposed to learn from these people. Learn how to love; how to love better, stronger, more freely; how to trust; how to grow; how to open up; how to shut down... Everyone has their own lessons to learn in life, but this method of teaching these lessons seems particularly cruel to me. There are a lot of people in this world that always have to learn the hard way. I never saw myself as that person before, but apparently I am! I just think I'd learn these lessons of life a lot better and easier, if the lessons themselves weren't so damn hard.

I'm not just talking about romantic relationships. I'm talking all relationships, all human contact. I can't tell you how many people have walked through my life and even though I'd known them hours, they left a huge imprint on me. It's just unfair that these certain people are put in our lives, and we grow to love them, and care for them more than anything... and then they slip away. Suddenly they are gone and you have this gaping hole through the center of your being that needs to be filled. How do you begin filling it?

Possiblilities

My first blog for an official blogger site. I've written blogs before for Myspace, but they tended to be a bit "diary" (i.e. confessional) and extremely personal. So, I've decided I need to write a blog for the masses, or the 1 or 2 people who may or may not care, about things that I would actually either be willing to share, or learn to stretch the bounds of my personal comfort and spill the beans on all....


Besides the personalism in blogging, my other concern was/is: is my life really exciting enough to blog about? I've decided that it is probably not, but that will not stop me. I have a need to write, no matter what the content, and this will be the dumping grounds.

Thoughts, comments, concerns, and critiques are always welcomed and encouraged...

Until next time!