Fear

The last few weeks, I have been living a life of fear. Fear for the safety of my daughter and of myself. The last several months I have been screamed at, sworn at, lied extensively about, my name has been slandered within and outside of the court system, and it's even been insinuated that I have hurt my daughter. My lawyer, on my behalf, has been pleading with the courts to step in and help me and Ruby out but nothing has been done and the situation, and volatility, keeps escalating. My family and friends are afraid for my safety and the daycare as well - as has been reported to the courts. I have hid in my home the last 3 weeks, doing nothing but going to work/daycare, afraid to meet my abuser around town.

This morning I went to a local intervention center and no progress was made. Basically, they said because the abuse has not yet turned physical, there is nothing they can do. I wept and told them how afraid I am for my daughter's safety and they shrugged their shoulders at me. They said to call Child Protection Services. I got to my car and called CPS... they said the same thing. They can't help me.

I am sure, in the coming weeks, things will get much worse. My lawyer is going to send a few more things to court and told me to have someone with me at all times when I'm out and about, and to put a deadbolt on my door. I will do those things but I want it known - when things turn very ugly - that I sought help and WAS DENIED by the very system that was put in place to help people in my situation.

I am at my wits end. I feel like I am helpless to protect my daughter and myself. I have never felt so helpless or alone in my life.

My Ruby

I won't give up on us.

 

 

 

Highlights

I haven't been very shy about the fact that things really kind of suck around here lately, but I had a great chat with my Buddha this morning and cleared my head and found my courage and strength (again) and have renewed my vow to tough this out. I'm feeling positive and hopeful despite the drama getting worse daily.

Some words of wisdom that were bestowed upon me is to grab my strengths and the positives in my life and focus on them... and let everything else go. I think this is wonderful advice and I will practice this daily.

___________

In other news, this morning I was loading Ruby into my car while I was at my Mom and Dad's. It was 6:30 a.m. and there was a very thin layer of snow covering the ground. The dogs, Maggie and Bailey, were grinning, nosing around, and swinging their tails watching my commotion when I heard a clattering noise. Immediately, my mind swung to the worst - "ugh, my car! Not again!" But then the clattering stopped. A few moments later it started again. I snugged Ruby into her car seat and stepped back outside and shut the car door. Bailey nuzzled my knee and the clattering started again. I leaned down to hug her and realized it was her teeth chattering! What a wuss! She is in for a longggg winter! I love and miss that dog so much!

Difficulty

Well, life certainly isn't getting any easier in my household and I'm afraid I'm making it more difficult and causing more worry and stress in the homes of the people who love Ruby and me. I've never been stronger mentally or spiritually, but that doesn't stop the tears from flowing. My heart is aching for what might have been and the what might be's... and I have to stop that cycle and just grab the moment by the jugular, shake the shit out of it, and then accept it. It is what it is. There isn't much I can do even if I knew which direction to turn. I won't go into details (to protect Ruby). I hate when I let misery get too close, and I stop focusing on what a beautiful gift I have been given - Ruby. She is the light of my life and no matter what anyone says about me, no matter what wrongs have been done to Ruby or me, no matter how stressful life gets, at the end of the day, I have Ruby's love and a never-ending love for her. I have to keep that at the forefront of my mind - today and forever.

This too shall pass... but the love and light and life Ruby has given me will last an eternity.

9 Months

My dearest Ruby, 

Yesterday was a hard day for us both. You were supposed to spend some time with your father and things got out of hand. You were scared, as was I, and I took you home. Ruby, I want you to know how much I love you and that I am so sorry you were scared.

You are just over 9 months old and I am afraid that life has dealt a difficult hand to you. I lay awake at night worrying about your future, about how to prepare you for how difficult life can be, and I pray. I pray that God provides me with the tools and resources I need to teach you that life is not easy and it is often not fair, but it is beautiful.  

Yesterday, your Grandma (my mom) was with us during our hard day. She held me as I cried and played with you on the living room floor. She made us dinner as I sat numbly in the chair watching you play. She was a rock for me. For us both. Every day, she teaches me what it means to be a wonderful mother and how to love unconditionally. I will be that for you, Ruby. When life is unfair and so difficult that it hurts your heart, I will be there for you, to comfort you, hold you, brush away your tears, and remind you that life is also beautiful.  

I love you to the moon and back. You are my dreams come true. 

Love,

mama