Tuesday morning

Today started off with a bang. Ruby woke up at 5:30 a.m. and so I brought her to bed with me because my alarm goes off at 6:20 and I cherish those last precious moments of sleep. While in bed with me, Ruby thrashed and turned and kicked and whined and chattered to me. I rolled over so that my back was to her and hopefully I wouldn't get clobbered in the face with her adorable little feet again, but she draped her body over my neck so that her head/hair were positioned to block off all airflow to my face. I could smell her saturated diaper, chose to ignore it, and just closed my eyes again, hoping to catch another half hour of sleep. Nope.

"Mama?"

I looked at the clock: 6:00 a.m. Ugh. "What?"

"Blicka aamdoc an Ca-ca (cracker)?" said Ruby.

"What? You want a cracker?"

"Yeah."

"Since when?" I said. Ruby's tummy usually takes a good hour or two to wake up after she does. She never wants breakfast right away in the morning. Thinking about the humongous bowl of chili she ate for supper the evening before, I couldn't believe that she woke up hungry.

"CA-CA!"

So, I found my glasses, turned on the light, found a diaper and wipes and changed her all the while Ruby chatting constantly. "Duice!" "Ca-ca!" "Duice!" "Ca-ca!"

I carried her, her blanket, an empty juice box, and my phone to the kitchen where I found some crackers and we went to living room to watch the morning news. She took 2 bites of her cracker and declared she was done. I asked her if she wanted something else, are you hungry?

"No!"

She proceeded to tear the living room apart - toys scattered everywhere, a basket of clean, unfolded laundry upturned, and finally a book. She brought the book to me to read, "Uppie? UPPIEEEEEE!"

So I read her the story. Around 6:30 I told her I had to take a shower and she thought that was fine, so she scooted off my lap and headed to the bathroom all the while chanting "Showa! Showa! SHOWAAAA!"

I took my shower but not without it's issues. Ruby wants to be able to see me, so she pulls the cloth (decorative) curtain back to see me but this also pulls the clear plastic shower curtain back too. Soon, Ruby, the foot stool, and the floor are covered with water. When I'm done with my shower and pull the shower curtains back, she shouts "DONE!" and hands me my bath towel. Then she turns back to her work of transporting a basket of nail polish from one drawer to the next, which she has been doing in between the shower curtain/checking on me routine. She grunts as she squats down to retrieve a polish that has rolled behind the toilet. I shut the drawers to the vanity so that I can stand in front of the mirror to get ready and Ruby howls. I have shut down all of her very important work. I open the drawer, take out the large basket of nail polish that she's been working with, and set it on the floor so she can continue to play.

Nope. It's just not the same and I should have known better. Soon, she's digging into other drawers and pulling things from here and putting it there and I find myself telling her she can't do the following:

Don't stick Q-tips in your ears.
Don't dump the Q-tips box on the floor.
Don't tear the Q-tips box.
Don't dump cotton balls out of the bag.
Don't use a cotton ball to wipe your nose and then put it back in the bag.
Don't open the nail polish.
Don't bang the nail polish on the bathtub.
Don't throw the cotton balls in the bathtub.
Don't throw the nail polish.
Don't open the drawer and smash my shins.
Don't push me out of your way.
Don't unravel all of the toilet paper.
Don't stick a Q-tip up your nose.
Don't dump the baby powder on the floor.
Don't throw the nail polish in the toilet.
Don't play in the toilet.
Don't whine when I tell you no!

I hurried my routine as best I could because it looked like a bomb had gone off in my bathroom and soon Ruby would get bored and find greater means of destruction.

So, I got dressed, I got Ruby dressed, and was gathering our things to head out the door when Ruby grabbed her coat.

"Yes, we need to bring your coat. Can you carry it? Mama's arms are full." I opened the door.

Ruby howled and stomped her feet. "On! On!"

"Ruby, it's around 70° outside. You don't need to wear your coat," I said as I glanced at the clock. Up an hour early, already running 5 minutes late.

"OOOOOOOOOOOOOOON!"

I sigh to myself. Ok. I drop the 3 bags and purse I was carry on my shoulder, I set my phone and a gift bag down to squat down to help Ruby put on her coat.
"Uh OH!" Ruby shouts and squats down so that she can help me pick up my bags.

"Ruby! It's ok. I'll get them, let's just get your coat on!" At this point all I can do is laugh because I feel like I've put in a 12 hour workday, and really, my day is only just beginning.

So, we get Ruby's coat on, I pick up my bags, gift, and phone and we FINALLY head out the door.

___________

The morning drive to daycare is like driving directly to the sun. Every single morning it shines in our faces all the way to daycare, and every single morning Ruby gets angry that the sun is shining and she has to squint or turn her head away. Today, she howled, shook her fist and said, "NO! NO!" to the sun... Oh, they're going to have fun with her at daycare today!

Arriving at work feels like a mini-vacation! :) But darn it if I don't already miss my headstrong little Bean.

Let's do this

The first weekend in August, Ruby and I went on a family camping trip. My Mom's side of the family had planned this last summer and reserved a group campsite at a beautiful spot. I was so excited for this camping trip and so filled with anxiety.

Excited for the obvious reasons - a weekend away with some of the greatest people ever. Outside time. Lots of it. Ruby. Sunshine. Campfires. S'mores. What's not to love?

Anxious because Ruby is such a light sleeper - and we planned to tent it. Challenging to say the least. Did I pack all that I needed? Would my car get us there and back, safely? What do I do with Ruby when I have to use the bathroom? Eat? Change clothes? She's a busy girl. Also, I need to be honest, I was afraid of the swimming/lake scenario. I haven't been in a swimsuit in over 2 years. Probably over 3 years. I've gained weight, lost, been pregnant, gained, lost, and gained some more weight since I was last in a swimsuit and, well, my current situation is not pretty. So, a normal person might say "Why put on a swimsuit then?"

Well, this is why: I want my daughter to learn from me. Not learn how to be overweight, but learn how to love herself no matter her size (or the texture of her hair, or her GPA). I want her to know that she is perfectly wonderful exactly as she is, each moment. (She will not be beautiful only when she loses 20 pounds - she's beautiful now. She won't be perfect when she gets a 4.0 in college, she's perfect right now). I want to experience life with my daughter and not have my size or imperfections (plentiful as they may be) to hinder her childhood. I wanted to take her swimming in the lake and build sandcastles with her and I didn't want to ask one of my little cousins to teach her or experience that with her. I wanted to experience that with her. I wanted to teach her that, "Hey! Look! Mama is happy and confident and having fun, no matter what she looks like. No matter what other's may think."

So, I did... I tell you what. I was quivering inside. I was so uncomfortable and nervous showing my lily white legs and I could have crawled into a hole and never come out. But I saw the delight and curiosity in Ruby's face as we walked into the water. It was there. That thing I wanted to experience with her, I saw it in her face.  I mentally threw my self-consciousness away, but by that point it was rather easy. I focused on my girl and the things she was learning and experiencing and I was delighted to be there with her each step of the way. And it was soooooo worth it.

I've seen pictures from that day. Uff. I don't look so pretty. But my daughter does. She looks lovely and happy and I was there with her, looking pretty happy myself. It was so worth it.

I need to get to a point where I take such good care of myself, that my weight or looks don't become an issue like that again. I so badly want to get there... I have a lot of work to do.

In addition to teaching Ruby to love herself no matter what, I want to teach her to be healthy. So, I have to become healthy. Each day it's a choice, and it's one I keep forgetting I have. I have to consciously work on this because there's so much more I want to experience with her...