The last year has been the most tumultuous of my life and a majority of the tumult has been internal. I have been ruminating on all the changes going on inside of me and wonder if I can even put so much of it into words. It has been happening on a smaller scale for a few years now, and external events of this past year seem to be the catalyst to really shift my inner world into something different. I would love to say it is an awakening, but at this point it only feels like devastation. There are pieces, nay, chunks of me that are breaking away and at times it is the most painful and scary process.
In so many ways, I feel like a different person. I do not care much about pop culture any more. I can't tell you what movies are out, what tv shows are popular, or which actresses are married to which actors. I have only a hint of the popular music now only due to my music-loving 6 y/o and our 10 minute commute morning and evening, where she insists the radio be at the most optimum volume, so that it is not too quiet that you can't feel the vibrations in your back, but not too loud to drown out her singing along. I have not picked up a magazine other than National Geographic in years. It holds absolutely no interest for me anymore, where 10 years ago, I loved keeping up on the entertainment industry. I had piles of fashion magazines mailed to me each month. I have stopped caring about that world 100%. Along with that is the shedding away of "masks" so-to-speak. I do not care about fashion anymore. I do not dye my hair (at least until the grays come in full force!), and wear only minimum makeup. I do not fake-bake anymore or wear fake nails or 4-inch heels. I do still want to appear clean, professional, and modern, but not at the expense of hours of upkeep or the detriment of my bank account. I cringe at the money I must have spent for years, piling on the fake to look like the ideal version of beauty shown in magazines (and still, failing miserably). I have decided that I do not want to look like anyone else. I want to look like me.
Those types of things feel like stuff that only distract us from important things. Important things like stories, history, growth, creativity, passion and dreams. None of those important things can be found outside of ourselves. Watching a story on a big screen is nothing like the story of my life and using my story to help me grow and become a better human being.
Daily I become more conscious of what I put on and in my body. Some days that means eating cleaner, some days it means eating junk and thinking about how I should be eating cleaner! Always now, that recognition is there. My body has been telling me since Day 1 what it needs to feel its best and for so long I did not know. Then, came the day that I knew but still ignored my body to care for my emotional needs. Now, there has been a shift where I can feel my body speaking to me, telling me what it needs, and I follow her voice. I am working to stop ignoring her pleas.
I have been meditating on and off for years, but only recently have I been losing myself during meditation. It feels as though my spirit leaves the Earth; that I stop existing. It is the most astonishing feeling and there is a magic somewhere there. I have yet to figure out where my Soul goes but I can feel something big. There is a Presence in me now that I can recognize and feel. When I listen to her, I feel calm, peaceful despite the chaos going on around me. And many, many days my emotions run so wild and my brain will not stop chattering long enough that I can feel the Presence, but it is something I am working on.
Most events outside of me hold no interest anymore. Awakening to my bigger purpose, becoming a more evolved human, and other people's souls are about all that can snag my attention anymore. I have no more interest in stuff, or gossip, or things... There are bigger things in this world to ponder and cultivate and that is all I have time or mental energy for now.
It feels like all the false junk breaking away so that I can feel and know who I truly am. But even that sentence does not fully describe all the work and realization and pain happening inside of me. It is unlike anything I have ever experienced before and I am scared. But even still, I surrender to this shift and I curiously await whatever lies ahead of me.
