A love letter

Dear Ruby,

Yesterday you turned 4 months old. Can I tell you how you have turned mama's life upside down? Since I first found out you were growing in my belly, I have been consumed with love for you. That alone takes up the majority of my thoughts and emotions throughout the day. There isn't one thing I don't love about you. Your messy diapers, snotty nose, and car alarm-like wail when you are hungry and just too tired to be patient any longer grasp their tiny little fingers around my heart and I can barely breathe. Even better are your smiles when I rock and feed you in the middle of the night, the way you talk and coo in your crib in the morning as I get ready for work. I imagine you are saying "Good morning, Mama! Good morning, sunlight! Good morning, birdies! Good morning, fingers! Good morning, toes!" You are just so happy and delighted to be alive - the feeling is contagious.

I love the way your hair refuses to be tamed. Granted, some days it looks as I often feel: worn out. But most days your hair stands brightly on end as though you are so thrilled and surprised that even your hair has to shout for joy. I love your beautiful eyes that seem tell the secrets of your heart to me. They haven't yet decided on a color; some days blue, others brown, but often hazel... it doesn't matter to me if they are yellow; they communicate to me how you feel and what you think when your mouth doesn't know yet how. I feel so connected to you through your eyes and in them I can see your future - one filled with laughter and joy and love... so much love. Your heavy, squishy cheeks begged to be kissed and I do that as often as you will allow. Everyone says your mouth and chin are a replica of mine and I am so grateful for that. That somewhere in you, people can see a glimpse of me, and know that you are mine. Your arms and legs, which at one time were so thin and spindly our family had to laugh because never before had there been a Vettleson with thin legs, now filling out and the only word to describe them is pleasantly plump. Your beautiful olive skin is perfection. You haven't had a diaper rash or a touch of baby acne yet.

You, lovely little person, have such a good-natured, patient attitude. You are cautious with your smiles, like you know what a rare and beautiful gem it is and you don't want to show it to just anybody, but when you do, it's a megawatt smile that quickly travels up your face and causes fireworks to explode in your eyes. You are rarely mad and if I take too long warming a bottle, well, that's the way it goes and you understand. You have only been sick once, and before it happened, you being sick was something I dreaded. But your good nature and willingness to please had you smiling through the snot and playing despite the cough. If it happens that you are scared or upset, a quick snuggle to my chest with your head tucked under my chin calms you quickly. These are the moments I live for; the moments where you have complete faith in me and I can comfort you. I treasure these moments because I know one day a snuggle to my chest and a soft whisper won't soothe you and a kiss to your forehead won't take your problems away. But for now, it is enough.

Ruby, there are so many things I wish for you. I wish you to have a strong faith in God because He is the only way. I will do everything I can to help you grow and love God and find comfort in Him. I wish you to know peace and love and kindness - and the wisdom to practice each. I see a future for you as bright as the sun and I pray to God to give me the grace and wisdom to help you reach your dreams. I could go on, but many of the hopes and dreams I have for you may not be the ones you have for yourself, so for now, they will be between God and me.

I hope you know how proud and happy you have made me. My dreams have come true because I have you.

Love,
Mama

Blessings

Since Miss Ruby was born, there have been so many little moments in time that have made me stop in my tracks, tears pouring down my face, and I have to bow my head and pray a prayer of thanks to God for all that he has blessed me with. I was never like that before. Dealing with depression for years, I always was grasping at straws, trying to find something positive, something to give thanks for. I don't even have to search for it now. It seems like, with the birth of Ruby, the veil has been swept away and I am able to see clearly all the lovely things and people in my life.  There are too many hurts and angers in my past... I don't want to focus on them anymore. I feel like I have learned my lessons and I need to stop beating myself up for my mistakes. I want to focus on my blessings and even on bad days, find something to say "thank you" for. So, that's what I want to write about from this point forward.