En route

As silly as it may seem, I am constantly baffled by the life I lead. It is nothing like the life I had dreamed for myself at 12 years old... and if I am honest, I feel a bit crotchety about the fact that society sets up expectations and a timeline that every unique individual should follow. (What a set up!)

At 12, I thought I would have been Homecoming Queen my senior year (although it was truly no goal of mine; it's just what I thought was supposed to happen!), I would have graduated with a BA in English or something in the four years following high school, while meeting the love of my life and interning at the place that would fulfill all of my most ambitious career goals. I would have been married by 25, kids by 27, and then work part-time with babies in tow, living out my days happily in my cottage-like dream home along the river's edge. My husband would dote on me and my babies, we would have regular game nights with our friends and their kids, and life would carry out beautifully.

I did not expect to:
be socked with crippling manic depression.
have one personal issue after another, from the age of 12 to 33.
lose so many loved ones to death and... life/growth.
know so many doctors or medications.
experience paralyzing panic attacks at the idea of getting out of bed or facing people.
lose my faith... or regain it.
not know what I wanted to do with my life.
not meet the man I wanted to marry until I was 33 years old.
be a single mother... twice over.
get my heart broken so many times.
navigate the ins and outs of the legal system.
have a lawyer on speed dial.
feel so lost.
expect to feel like a failure.
cry so many tears.
hurt so much.
feel so much guilt for not being what I was "supposed" to.

My life is nothing what I expected. Although it sometimes feels stunning and disappointing, mostly I am just grateful. I have had huge opportunities to learn and grow as a human. I have learned more empathy, consideration, and love than I ever knew I needed. I have learned (am learning) self love, respect, and worth. I have learned sacrifice, heart break, healing, and rising stronger. I have learned that it is always darkest before the dawn. Maybe my life isn't what I expected or dreamed, but it is everything I have ever needed. The route I had planned and dreamed for my life certainly would not have brought me these learning tools, these experiences, and while there has been a ton of pain, there has been even more joy. There has been even more love and gratitude than I ever dreamed for myself. I would consider myself lucky. I thought I knew what I wanted or needed, but I didn't. And while I have spent so many years pulling away from the pain and disappointments, resisting the heart ache and tragedy, I have finally learned to surrender to it. God has a plan for me and my life far greater than the one I dreamed for myself. I am learning to lean in a bit and trust His plan a whole lot more and I know, now, that the Universe will always catch me. In those darkest of nights, when I doubt if I can hold on any longer, I know... I know that this is part of the divine plan and if I just let go, God is waiting there among the stars to catch me.

Family

This past Labor Day weekend, my mom's side of the family had a get together at my parent's home over the weekend. It felt important. It was the first time we were all together since my aunt's passing last fall. My mother has lost both of her parents and three of her four siblings, so in some ways it feels like our family is shrinking. In other ways, it feels like love is expanding us.

My mom's side of the family has always been quite close. Other than my grandparents, divorces have been minimal and it wasn't until I was 8 or 9 before I knew which aunt/uncle was actually my mom's sibling. It didn't matter; my aunts and uncles were around for the long haul and whether they were related by blood or marriage did not matter. It felt like an affirmation of that this weekend. I have not yet determined if the warmth and love this weekend had more to do with my inner changes or those of my family. Regardless, my mom's side of the family has always been tender with each other, ready with hugs, love, jokes, and acceptance. We are no novices to sorrow but, that too has its beauty. We are safe with each other, tender to the best of our ability with each other's grief and loss and... healing.

Sunday evening, a few of us that were left at the farm gathered around a campfire in my parents back yard. It was very dark, we could hear the crickets and coyotes and the flames crackling. We reminisced, laughed, told jokes. I stared at the stars, a bit stunned that I had forgotten that there are so many. I focused on the ground beneath my feet and the space between the top of my head and the stars and felt such connection. I thought about a conversation with Ruby I had not long after my aunt Liane had passed. Ruby had asked me what I thought happened to us when we die. Curious, I turned the question back to her. She said she thought we become stars, and every night our loved ones look down on us, look out for us. That theory feels more like truth than any other theory I have heard. I imagined the stars as my family members. It hurt a little to think there were so many stars and so few around the campfire. I considered sharing Ruby's theory with our little commune that night, but I did not want to cast a sad tone.

So, I asked Liane to be there with us and soon I could feel her. I wondered if anyone else could feel her there with us. I could feel my grandparents and uncles and cousin there too, although they stood back. They watched and smiled. I think they knew. Liane is happy. She misses us like we miss her but she's happy. I thanked her for being with me these challenging months and for being with us that evening. I let her be to enjoy her time with us and I could feel her peace.