A new chapter

My little girl started Kindergarten yesterday.


I need a moment to let it sink in (still)...


The passing of time feels very surreal to me at times. I remember staring at my preemie in my arms at 2 or 3 months old and dreaming about Kindergarten, the school programs, the soccer games. I didn't want to rush her growth by any means, but I was so excited for all of it. I dreamed about watching my baby growing into a vibrant, wonderful little kid. Now, here she is.

We did several Kindergarten prep-type classes and programs to prepare Ruby, since she can be a bit nervous about new beginnings. I'm sure glad we did. It paid off and I felt relief as she strutted into her school yesterday. She held my hand as we navigated the busy hallways and her face beamed and you couldn't see her bouncing off the walls so much as feel it. Her excitement and nervous energy had her nearly trembling. She grinned at me so huge and squeezed my leg hard when she couldn't contain her joy. We found her classroom and said good morning to her teacher (took a few pictures) and found our way to the early-morning reading room. I wished her a great first day and she gave me a huge hug and kiss and an extra squeeze around the neck. She pulled back, looked me in the face "I love you, mama." She turned on her heel and entered the reading room, with all the curious little listeners turning to see who the next kid was. She didn't turn back to wave. She found a spot on the floor next to another little girl and crossed her legs and turned to listen to the reading teacher.

I made my way to the car before I cried.

I get sentimental and nostalgic at times like this. I think about the work and time and energy poured into easing this child's fears, into helping her build confidence and courage, teaching her manners, just all of it. Parenting (insert exhausted emoji here). How sometimes in the heat of it, it feels futile. That the same battle or argument or fit for the umpteenth day in a row is going to drive me insane. That the same worries or insecurities creep in for her and it feels the work to build her up has been undone. There is nothing a parent does to prepare their child for the world that is insignificant—so it seems at times like this.

I watched her excitement and confidence and felt comforted that my efforts in building her up, in cultivating that beautiful soul to blossom were not futile. She had an excellent first day and did not stop talking the whole evening. She was beyond deliriously tired last night. At bedtime, she asked if I would stay a little longer and snuggle with her. I stayed and rubbed her back as she finally quieted down and turned to run my hair through her fingers. She tucked her head under my chin and finally fell asleep. It was then that I was reminded, that although the day was, if I'm honest, quite sad for me, there's still so much to teach and grow and learn from my girl. It has felt like the end of my favorite book (her babyhood). But this is only a new chapter. I have loved raising my Ruby. And there's still so much to go.

My word, these 5.5 years have been sweet.

Gratitude list

Today, I am grateful for:
Bright and bubbly occupational therapists
The cooling temperatures
Dappled sunlight on the street
A man who loves, even when it's hard
Turning off the AC
The bedroom window open at night
R sleeping through the night
Some calmness at work
A glimpse of the solar eclipse despite the clouds
Seeing beautiful potential for my future
Watching the door close on so much of my past
New plants to perk up my home
Huge progress for R with her physical sensitivities
Feeling the hot, wet blanket of uncertainty finally fall away
Kindergarten just around the bend and a daughter who is thrilled about it
A new, comfy bed
A friend's brand spankin' new baby - healthy and happy family of 4
Preschool teachers who have guided, encouraged, and loved my girl for 2 years
Excellent hair conditioner
Feeling proud and humbled by my sweet, smart, beautiful daughter
Her courage and excitement for Kindergarten -- and even more so for her love of learning
Acknowledging the sweat, tears, and hard-core work it takes to raise a child
Appreciating that parenting and loving our children never really ends
Anticipating a massage on Friday
Every moment of peace and joy I capture