My big girl lovebug,
Last weekend we moved into a bigger place: a 2 bedroom
duplex that seems to have been designed for you and me. The weeks leading up to
the move had you very concerned. The packing going on at our old place,
combined with visitations beginning again with your father, made you
uncomfortable and rather insecure. I can’t blame you in the least, but after a
weekend with my parents, my folks brought it to my attention that when I talk
about the “new house” maybe you think I mean “Daddy’s house” because you get
very serious and don’t want to even discuss it any more. So, one day when we
were heading over to the new house (before the move) to prepare a few things, I
explained to you that Ruby and Mama were going to live in the new house. It
will be our new home and just us two will live there. We will have more space,
Ruby will have her own bedroom, and a backyard in the summer time. When I said
that, you stared at me in the rear view mirror and then slowly a smile crept
across your face. I think you understood then, that you were going to stay with
me… and it would be our new house. After that you were excited to talk about
the new house and eager to go there. It put my heart at so much ease.
So, last weekend, almost my whole family and a dear friend
came to town to help us move. I was a nervous wreck. It went great, everyone
worked their tails off and we were moved to our new house within just a couple
of hours. It was amazing and I was so grateful, several times I had to stop
myself from choking up. After everything was moved into our new place, I was
trying to arrange furniture and get some things set up. You were a little
bewildered and confused, I think, but overall handling things well, especially
when you had Tesa and Tilden there to keep you company and to play with. When I
started to dig into your room, and arrange the crib and put together your brand
new big girl bed, my dad and Travis quickly stepped in to help (thank
goodness!). You were playing with Tesa and Tilden in the living room at this
time. When your new big girl bed was set up, Travis and I put on the bedskirt,
the sheets, the new fuzzy blanket, and an adorable turquoise and purple comforter.
Mom and Dad stood near and watched. It seemed to me that everyone wanted to be
a little part of, or at least watch, this relatively big step in your life…
this proof that you are, in fact, growing up to be a big girl. When the bed was
all made, with the pillows on top, and a few stuffed animals for effect, we
called you in. You walked into the room and your face light up like the fourth
of July. Your mouth hung open just a little as you looked at it and I explained
to you that this is your big girl bed, all ready for you whenever you want. You
climbed on that bed and were so excited. I, again, had to hold back tears
watching your excitement and awe.
That moment will stick with me more than anything else that
day I think. It was a happy and exciting day for me, but also a very sad one.
We were leaving the first home I ever brought you to. It was where I labored before
giving birth to you, brought you home, where I bathed you, rocked you, and
snuggled you the first 2 years of your life. It was the first place you called “home.”
It was hard to say good bye to all of that. But we desperately needed more
space and separate rooms. I knew the move would be a good one, but the
sentimental part of me had a hard time letting go. Later that afternoon, my Dad
and brothers and I had gone back to the old place (we forgot about all the
stuff in the garage!) and while they were loading up the garage, and I ran into
the empty apartment to see if there was anything that needed to be taken care
of… I examined everything and then looked around the apartment in the quiet. The
memories danced around in my head, as they do in the movies to make you cry,
and had to leave because the tears were flowing too fast for me to stop them. (Lying
in bed at night when pregnant with you rubbing my belly and singing “You are my
sunshine,” snuggling in the rocking chair before bed, bathing you in a tub in
the kitchen when you were teeny tiny, playing peek-a-boo around the corner of
the bedroom, our dance parties while I made supper…) I thought I would be back
to clean and do the apartment check out; I didn’t realize that would be the
last time I would see the place. (Mom and Dad cleaned the old apartment for me the
next day and I corresponded with the management by email so I never had to do a
final checkout.) That was probably a good thing.
So, after all was said and done, I think I had a harder time
moving than you did. But I’m really enjoying our new home and I know you are
too. You revel in your new bedroom and go to bed so much easier now. You like
having your own space and space enough to run laps. It’s been a great change
for us and it feels like progress, movement in a positive direction. But, as I
told you on that car ride that I explained about our new house—it doesn’t
matter where we live. As long as I have you with me, everything will be ok. You
are my home, Bug.
You make everything worthwhile. I love you, Snugglebug.
All my love,
Mama
