Lately, I’ve been treading very deep into my brain, which
isn’t often the smartest place for me to be treading. My thoughts feel sunk so
far deep into my head that I often don’t recognize the action around me. One
morning, as I was getting Ruby and I situated in my car, preparing to leave for
work and daycare, I had to unzip my jacket because I couldn’t remember if I had
put on a shirt. So, yes, that far
into my brain, so far that I am unaware if I have dressed myself or not.
Anyway, I tend to do this when I get stressed or I have
decisions to make and I am not sure why I have to go so deep in my brain
because usually the answers are right there on the edges and in the light. No
need for getting the waders out and sinking myself in, but I guess it’s the way
I am wired. I have to process things and to do that, I sink into myself and
ruminate and usually the ruminating creates some ugly moods. I think of all the
things that should be or could be and things that just aren’t. It puts me in a
foul mood because usually the things that could or should be or aren’t, are
because of choices I have made. I have very much lived my life in a reactionary
position instead of an action or purposeful position. I am trying to fix
that but I have to undo some of the hardwiring that is already in me and change
the way I think and, ugh, it’s exhausting.
Anyhow, after a particularly deep and dark trekking through
my brain the last couple of weeks and my mood sinking into something foul and
grumpy, Ruby snapped me out of it. She said she was mad at me one night. I
asked why and all she said was, “Because!” I realized that I had been a grump
and probably not much fun and asked if that was why she was mad at me. She
agreed. That was worse than a slap to the face. At that very moment, I decided
that I’m putting my best foot forward every day – I need to focus on that
(putting this into action, instead of my mood and feelings being reactions to
the circumstances of my day). I had been doing so well at that – to wake every
morning and think about how I could be the best mom or best version of me that
day – but that had slipped to the wayside as the stress and decisions piled up.
So, I reset myself and am focusing on staying positive and even if I have to
travel to the depths of my brain and heart, then maybe along the way I can find
the positives, whatever they may be. In seeing the positive in life, I realized
it is much easier to do when I feel gratitude. To feel thankful for all the
blessings in my life, but also all the challenges. The challenges I am facing
now, are because I have Ruby, responsibilities, a home, job, and loved ones. It
means my life is full of good things, but along with good comes the bad. It’s a
package deal, always. So, I need to be grateful for the “bad” things too, which
is difficult to do. But when I pray, “Thank you, God, for blessing me with my
car, even though I know it has maintenance issues. I know it’s a package deal.
So I thank you for it all. Thank you, God, for blessing me with my job, even
though I feel there is more I can be doing with my life, I have a paycheck. I
know it’s a package deal. So I thank you for it all. Thank you, God, for our
home, even though it’s a rental and not something I can truly call my own, I
know it’s a package deal. So I thank you for it all.” Doing this lifts my
heart. I physically feel lighter, the sun seems brighter, and I feel like I can
come out of my own head a little bit…
