Lately, I have been such an incredible slacker. I've been eating HORRIBLY and not exercising at all. It's like I want to punish myself and see how truly morbidly obese I can get. I get so disgusted with myself and think I'm done with this self-sabotage, and then the next minute I'm shoving more food in my mouth. I know it's purely psychological. I can feel it (realize it?) more now than I have EVER felt/realized it. When I'm feeling low all I can think about is ordering some delux nachos or that yummy fettucini alfredo (extra parmesan, please!), how that chicken club at Wendys would really hit the spot. And it's not like I eat it every day, so why would this second serving this week kill me? Because tomorrow, I'll think that how a third serving won't really kill me either, because I really (really) don't do this every week.
Last night on my way home from hanging with a friend, I was feeling low and actually resisted the urge to gorge myself... actually the truth is I couldn't find a single speck of junk food in the house (luckily!) and went to bed thinking about how it really isn't too pathetic going through the KFC drive-through at 12:30 in the morning just for a bucket of wings. I didn't. But I was sure tempted. I'm terrified of this obsession in me now - I don't know that I've ever gotten this carried away with eating crap - at least I've never realized it to this extent before! And the stupid thing is - the thing that should make me stop this disgusting behavior - that giving in and eating my guts out only makes me feel worse. It's like I'm trying to fill the hole in my heart with food. It's disgusting and depressing and somewhat surprising and I don't know how to end it.
Tonight, I'm going out with friends again. I have made a promise to myself that I will not go out, I will not eat supper, I will not bring a drop of vodka to my lips, I will not take another breath, unless I make it to the gym first. I need to go and sweat my tail off. Maybe then, I can shed some of this gunk and start reversing the self-destruct. Maybe then, I'll have the energy to drag my sorry ass out of bed in the morning, maybe then I'll feel healthier and more alive, maybe then I'll have the strength to stop myself from eating the 10th cookie... or even the first one.
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