En route

As silly as it may seem, I am constantly baffled by the life I lead. It is nothing like the life I had dreamed for myself at 12 years old... and if I am honest, I feel a bit crotchety about the fact that society sets up expectations and a timeline that every unique individual should follow. (What a set up!)

At 12, I thought I would have been Homecoming Queen my senior year (although it was truly no goal of mine; it's just what I thought was supposed to happen!), I would have graduated with a BA in English or something in the four years following high school, while meeting the love of my life and interning at the place that would fulfill all of my most ambitious career goals. I would have been married by 25, kids by 27, and then work part-time with babies in tow, living out my days happily in my cottage-like dream home along the river's edge. My husband would dote on me and my babies, we would have regular game nights with our friends and their kids, and life would carry out beautifully.

I did not expect to:
be socked with crippling manic depression.
have one personal issue after another, from the age of 12 to 33.
lose so many loved ones to death and... life/growth.
know so many doctors or medications.
experience paralyzing panic attacks at the idea of getting out of bed or facing people.
lose my faith... or regain it.
not know what I wanted to do with my life.
not meet the man I wanted to marry until I was 33 years old.
be a single mother... twice over.
get my heart broken so many times.
navigate the ins and outs of the legal system.
have a lawyer on speed dial.
feel so lost.
expect to feel like a failure.
cry so many tears.
hurt so much.
feel so much guilt for not being what I was "supposed" to.

My life is nothing what I expected. Although it sometimes feels stunning and disappointing, mostly I am just grateful. I have had huge opportunities to learn and grow as a human. I have learned more empathy, consideration, and love than I ever knew I needed. I have learned (am learning) self love, respect, and worth. I have learned sacrifice, heart break, healing, and rising stronger. I have learned that it is always darkest before the dawn. Maybe my life isn't what I expected or dreamed, but it is everything I have ever needed. The route I had planned and dreamed for my life certainly would not have brought me these learning tools, these experiences, and while there has been a ton of pain, there has been even more joy. There has been even more love and gratitude than I ever dreamed for myself. I would consider myself lucky. I thought I knew what I wanted or needed, but I didn't. And while I have spent so many years pulling away from the pain and disappointments, resisting the heart ache and tragedy, I have finally learned to surrender to it. God has a plan for me and my life far greater than the one I dreamed for myself. I am learning to lean in a bit and trust His plan a whole lot more and I know, now, that the Universe will always catch me. In those darkest of nights, when I doubt if I can hold on any longer, I know... I know that this is part of the divine plan and if I just let go, God is waiting there among the stars to catch me.

Family

This past Labor Day weekend, my mom's side of the family had a get together at my parent's home over the weekend. It felt important. It was the first time we were all together since my aunt's passing last fall. My mother has lost both of her parents and three of her four siblings, so in some ways it feels like our family is shrinking. In other ways, it feels like love is expanding us.

My mom's side of the family has always been quite close. Other than my grandparents, divorces have been minimal and it wasn't until I was 8 or 9 before I knew which aunt/uncle was actually my mom's sibling. It didn't matter; my aunts and uncles were around for the long haul and whether they were related by blood or marriage did not matter. It felt like an affirmation of that this weekend. I have not yet determined if the warmth and love this weekend had more to do with my inner changes or those of my family. Regardless, my mom's side of the family has always been tender with each other, ready with hugs, love, jokes, and acceptance. We are no novices to sorrow but, that too has its beauty. We are safe with each other, tender to the best of our ability with each other's grief and loss and... healing.

Sunday evening, a few of us that were left at the farm gathered around a campfire in my parents back yard. It was very dark, we could hear the crickets and coyotes and the flames crackling. We reminisced, laughed, told jokes. I stared at the stars, a bit stunned that I had forgotten that there are so many. I focused on the ground beneath my feet and the space between the top of my head and the stars and felt such connection. I thought about a conversation with Ruby I had not long after my aunt Liane had passed. Ruby had asked me what I thought happened to us when we die. Curious, I turned the question back to her. She said she thought we become stars, and every night our loved ones look down on us, look out for us. That theory feels more like truth than any other theory I have heard. I imagined the stars as my family members. It hurt a little to think there were so many stars and so few around the campfire. I considered sharing Ruby's theory with our little commune that night, but I did not want to cast a sad tone.

So, I asked Liane to be there with us and soon I could feel her. I wondered if anyone else could feel her there with us. I could feel my grandparents and uncles and cousin there too, although they stood back. They watched and smiled. I think they knew. Liane is happy. She misses us like we miss her but she's happy. I thanked her for being with me these challenging months and for being with us that evening. I let her be to enjoy her time with us and I could feel her peace.

Soul shift

The last year has been the most tumultuous of my life and a majority of the tumult has been internal. I have been ruminating on all the changes going on inside of me and wonder if I can even put so much of it into words. It has been happening on a smaller scale for a few years now, and external events of this past year seem to be the catalyst to really shift my inner world into something different. I would love to say it is an awakening, but at this point it only feels like devastation. There are pieces, nay, chunks of me that are breaking away and at times it is the most painful and scary process.

In so many ways, I feel like a different person. I do not care much about pop culture any more. I can't tell you what movies are out, what tv shows are popular, or which actresses are married to which actors. I have only a hint of the popular music now only due to my music-loving 6 y/o and our 10 minute commute morning and evening, where she insists the radio be at the most optimum volume, so that it is not too quiet that you can't feel the vibrations in your back, but not too loud to drown out her singing along. I have not picked up a magazine other than National Geographic in years. It holds absolutely no interest for me anymore, where 10 years ago, I loved keeping up on the entertainment industry. I had piles of fashion magazines mailed to me each month. I have stopped caring about that world 100%. Along with that is the shedding away of "masks" so-to-speak. I do not care about fashion anymore. I do not dye my hair (at least until the grays come in full force!), and wear only minimum makeup. I do not fake-bake anymore or wear fake nails or 4-inch heels. I do still want to appear clean, professional, and modern, but not at the expense of hours of upkeep or the detriment of my bank account. I cringe at the money I must have spent for years, piling on the fake to look like the ideal version of beauty shown in magazines (and still, failing miserably). I have decided that I do not want to look like anyone else. I want to look like me.

Those types of things feel like stuff that only distract us from important things. Important things like stories, history, growth, creativity, passion and dreams. None of those important things can be found outside of ourselves. Watching a story on a big screen is nothing like the story of my life and using my story to help me grow and become a better human being.

Daily I become more conscious of what I put on and in my body. Some days that means eating cleaner, some days it means eating junk and thinking about how I should be eating cleaner! Always now, that recognition is there. My body has been telling me since Day 1 what it needs to feel its best and for so long I did not know. Then, came the day that I knew but still ignored my body to care for my emotional needs. Now, there has been a shift where I can feel my body speaking to me, telling me what it needs, and I follow her voice. I am working to stop ignoring her pleas.

I have been meditating on and off for years, but only recently have I been losing myself during meditation. It feels as though my spirit leaves the Earth; that I stop existing. It is the most astonishing feeling and there is a magic somewhere there. I have yet to figure out where my Soul goes but I can feel something big. There is a Presence in me now that I can recognize and feel. When I listen to her, I feel calm, peaceful despite the chaos going on around me. And many, many days my emotions run so wild and my brain will not stop chattering long enough that I can feel the Presence, but it is something I am working on.

Most events outside of me hold no interest anymore. Awakening to my bigger purpose, becoming a more evolved human, and other people's souls are about all that can snag my attention anymore. I have no more interest in stuff, or gossip, or things... There are bigger things in this world to ponder and cultivate and that is all I have time or mental energy for now.

It feels like all the false junk breaking away so that I can feel and know who I truly am. But even that sentence does not fully describe all the work and realization and pain happening inside of me. It is unlike anything I have ever experienced before and I am scared. But even still, I surrender to this shift and I curiously await whatever lies ahead of me.

Gratitude list

1. Ruby and Jasmine
2.

Penguins

Last night, on the car ride home:

R: Mommy, do you know how penguins go potty?M: Hmm, never thought of that before. I have no idea.R: They spray their pee out from them.M: Really? I suppose it makes sense, if they peed normally, they'd have to stand in it and probably get frozen feet.R: Yeah, we saw a video of it today, and one penguin peed and sprayed another penguin and we laughed so much!M: Gross! >laughing<R: >laughing<R: Yeah, they can spray their pee from about here to the other window (points to the side window in the car)M: Well, that's further than I can spray my pee.R: >silence< (I look in the rear view mirror to see she's laughing so hard she isn't making noise) Mommy, you are hilarious!!M: How do they poop?R: I think the same?M: They spray their poop?Laughter and poop jokes ensue.

This daughter of mine... she lights up my life.

So appropriate

Have you seen this online:

How about we use predictive text to write our own epitaphs? Write “Here lies [YOUR NAME]. [preferred pronoun] was...” and let your phone finish the rest. Mine is: Here lies Heidi. She was very very tired and a few other things.

Classic.

Favorite

Ruby is the snuggliest kid ever. Yep, I made up a word, because it needs to exist to describe my child. Her love language is touch and she never gets enough hugs, kisses, snuggles, squeezes, or tickles. Her mornings begin and nights end with snuggles from me. In the morning, she comes flying into my room and she burrows in the warmth and blankets of my bed. She knows I am not a snuggler in the morning or anytime when I am sleepy. Her constant movement and twitching and stray curls tickling me in the face can irritate me when I am only half conscious. She knows this. So, she seeks out my hand under the covers and laces her fingers between mine and while holding hands, we doze until my alarm goes off. 

It is the sweetest thing.

Christmas wishes

Most moms, I am sure, struggle with feeling "enough." Doing enough? Engaging enough? Participating enough? Contributing enough? Experiencing enough? Enjoying enough? Providing enough? Loving enough? Disciplining enough? Really, the list—and doubt—seems endless.

I feel it especially strong during the holidays and this year I am fighting that bug like crazy. I feel like I should be making all these special memories with Ruby, but I have little time and even less energy to check off all the items on the "should" list. My actual thought the other night was "I wish I knew what was going to make Ruby's special memories as an adult, so I can focus on those things and forget everything else." Yes, that thought really crossed my brain. Talk about Christmas spirit, right?

It is difficult now because Ruby is old enough to notice. With noticing, comes some expectations and curiosity. She wonders why we do not have an elf or a chimney (how does Santa get in?). She wonders why her Christmases have to be split between two homes. I feel the need to participate in all the extras to assuage my guilt for my shortcomings and so that Ruby's expectations and hopes are met.

My reluctance to participate in all the extras comes from feeling that almost none of what Americans do to celebrate Christmas is what Christmas is actually about. Christmas seems to be a time to spend money we often don't have, decorations and lights on the house to impress others, drinking too much wine, and make-believe people/creatures. The traditional Christmas is not something I really want to participate in. Call me Scrooge, but I do not find meaning in all of the fake and falsified.

For me, a meaningful Christmas is one with parties with family, friends, and coworkers. Gathering to enjoy delicious food and spending time together. Decorations, gifts, and stress kept to a minimum. Walking through a quiet neighborhood on a quiet, snowy night, talking about the meaning of the season. Singing carols and hymns together. Every time I sit in church on Christmas and sing, I cry. It moves me. Volunteering with loved ones - ringing a bell or serving food or a million other things to make the season special for someone less fortunate. Finding beauty and peace in the moonlight. A day bundled against the cold, sledding with my family. Red noses and shivering bodies piling in the house to warm up to hot chocolate and an overload of mini marshmallows.

Christmas is a feeling to me that is created by love and time with people I care about. It is creating memories instead of accumulating stuff. I want Ruby to learn that too - it is not the stuff, it is not the race or the stress or the money. It is not proving my love by the number of gifts under the tree. It is finding the love that started all of that. I want to peel back the layers of all the extra to find the beauty of Christmas once again. I want to teach her to seek the beauty and joy in those moments of laughter and connection that speak to her heart. Instead of momentary delight in a new toy, cultivate moments and memories to collect in her heart and soul and make her truly feel Christmas and she will have the gift of delight to last the rest of her life.

I struggle to balance teaching her to find the love, with matching her and my (self-imposed) expectations. So often, it makes me question if I am doing enough. Then, I am reminded that she is just a kid and maybe there does not have to be so much feeling. Maybe just make the memories now and the feelings will come later. Then, as always, I wonder if I am too much.

The upside is that whether I am right or wrong, I go through this inner turmoil because I love my daughter and want the best for her. She has given me the gift of delight for the past 5 Christmases. I only hope to return the same.

The moon

It's such that a North Dakota winter is very often gloomy and dark. This time of year, the sun rises shortly before 8:00 a.m. and sets sometime before 5:00 p.m. There isn't a lot of opportunity for the sun, especially when the days are often overcast with such ambiguous blue/gray clouds that it's hard to tell if you are looking at clouds or sky - until realizing the giant give-away of the missing sun.

It's not the sun I care too much about anyway.

The moon is who my eyes search for when they raise to the sky. It is a nightly ritual for me to shut the lights off in my home before I retire to bed and look out my kitchen window for a glimpse of the moon. This thing I do is so much a part of me that I did not even notice it was a ritual until now.

There was a super moon the night of my birthday and I secretly anticipated the night. It turned out that there were too many clouds to get a good view of the super moon, other than a very muted halo. I was disappointed but not surprised. So often during the winter, I cannot see her. However, when Ruby and I are leaving in the darkness of the morning to begin our day in the world, she's still there. If I'm lucky, the clouds have parted and I feel her waiting for me. She searches for me, like I search for her. Always, always I feel a pull of gratitude in my heart for the 3 second glimpse of her before pulling out of the driveway. Sometimes I pause and ask Ruby to admire her with me.

I think she knows I need her more for the day than the night.

Thanksgiving

Thinking about Thanksgiving, I wanted to write something about gratitude and giving thanks. If I am totally honest, it has been difficult for me to feel much gratitude lately as I have felt many challenges the last few months, and I have had little time or energy (or will) to think about my blessings. Between adjusting to Ruby being in school—the nightly homework, the never-ending obligations and functions at school, the papers (my God, the papers!) to review and sign and return, the money needed, the forms to fill out, the fundraisers, etc. (I was unprepared for the demands of elementary school)—to preparing for a new bundle of joy, lonesomeness for my close friends, after-school care issues, relationship complexities, a drastic tightening of the checkbook, feeling unwell physically, mentally, and spiritually, and trying to juggle all the details and nuances of the life of a single mother  has left me absolutely spent these last few months.

Mind you, none of the challenges I have faced lately have been earth-shattering. However, the challenges coming at me from every direction has been overwhelming and I probably could have handled it better... but I am doing the best I can under the circumstances. Some days, I feel like I can handle only the very thing in front of me; everything else needs to wait. And, oh yes, the cherry on top? Insomnia. That helps a great ton. ;)

Anyway, in thinking about how difficult the last few months have been and how I feel neither the desire nor will to list the items I am grateful for, this is the time I need it the very most. I realize also that remembering gratitude in my struggles will most likely make those struggles more bearable, but like I said - one thing at a time! Learning, growing, and trying to better, always.

So, I will force it. This Thanksgiving, these are the things I am most thankful for...

My health. I debated putting my health or Ruby first, and if I didn't have my health, I couldn't care for Ruby the way I need to... so I will first say I am grateful for my health. I had struggled with depression and anxiety for so many years, that there is not a day that goes by that I am not conscious of the fact that I am not in a black pit of despair. I have found appreciation for the techniques and tools I learned during the depressive years that have helped me cope the last several months. Physically, I have been feeling unwell, but for good reason - and I remind myself that it is only for a season. I can live with it, if it means that I get to love the bundle at the end of the season. 

Ruby. My daughter, my heart, my sidekick, and my joy. She is my favorite person to be around. She's wonderful and generous and loving and deeply caring. She is so much of what is good in this world. She amazes and makes me laugh every day. There's something special about that child and I feel so lucky to be her mom and sit in the glow of the light that she brings this world. And I am so eternally grateful to be a mother all over again. 

I am grateful for my family and friends. My family has been hugely supportive and protective of me and Ruby, and although we have many differences of opinion, they forgive me my faults and sins and love Ruby and me wildly. My friends have been my strength and courage in life. I have a small circle of truly incredible people I call friends. For so long, I lamented that I had a small circle. Then, I realized that for what I lack in quantity, I have in quality; real friends who love hard and support endlessly and show up for me over and over and over again. If my life were a body, Ruby would be my heart. My family would be the bones, and my friends? The muscle. They give me strength when I am weak. They provide wisdom when I fall flat, and love me when I cannot find me. 

Cornell. I am so grateful to have known and experienced mind-blowing love. A deep and powerful love that I never expected to be blessed with. I am grateful to know the incredible man that he is, to observe the love and connection between him and Ruby, and to watch him become a father. I am thankful for the things I have learned on our journey and how, in so many ways, he has broken my heart open. Things have been really difficult for us and because of those difficulties, I find myself growing in ways I never expected. It has been painful, but growth is often painful and I realize our challenges have been a necessary part of my evolution. So, no matter what our future holds, I am grateful for and humbled by the love we have shared.

I am thankful for the life I have. I have been trying to educate myself on others, i.e., cultures, countries, people, ethnicity. I realize more every day how lucky I am to be who I am in the circumstances I am in. I am a healthy woman, a mother, a white, employed, middle-class American. All of these things are extreme privileges that set me up for an easier life than a vast majority of the people in the world, and I do not and cannot take that for granted. I realize that complaining about signing papers to return to the school may sound positively despicable to so many in the world who worry about the safety and health of their children before the luxury of school. I cannot deny that I am hugely privileged and I am so grateful for the blessings that come with that privilege. My great hope is that God uses my life and privilege to teach me to both love more generously and ease the burden for others. 

There are so many more things to be grateful for... but those are the main items on my mind and in my heart this Thanksgiving. Somehow, life seems a little more beautiful now then when I started this post. :) Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours. 

On mom'ing

Ruby and I were snuggling at bedtime last night, soft voices in the dark of her bedroom. Her head was craddled under my chin when this happened:

R: I love you even when I am tired and crabby.
M: I love you even when I get mad that you left your stinky socks in the living room again.
R: >soft giggles< I love you because you snuggle me and make me feel so loved.
M: I love you because of your gigantic heart... I also love that you made me a mom. Do you realize that? You're the only person in the world who gets that claim: you made me a mom.
R: What?!
M: Yeah, isn't that cool? Being your mom has been my favorite. It's a tough job but I love it so much.
R: Job?
M: Well, it's a lot of work sometimes. But I have more fun with you than anyone else in the world.
R: It's a tough job when your 5 year old doesn't put her socks away...
M: >laughed< Yes.
R: It's a tough job when your 5 year old is tired and crabby and complains about supper.
M: >laughed again< Yes, but what other job in the world makes me laugh as much as you? What other job in the world is as much fun as you? Or as sweet and kind and loving as you? None. Sure, being a mom is hard once in a while, but I love you always - even through the hard bits. That's not something I'd ever trade. I'm so glad God picked me to be your mom.
R: Me too. You're the perfect mom for me.

Gratitude List

Today I am grateful for:

Forgiveness from the one who relies on me the most
Early morning snuggles
Monday mornings after calm, comforting weekends
A piping hot Chai tea latte
Feeling seen
Fun plans with my Susie-bean
A safe soulmate despite the car wreck
Pictures from school
Some one-on-one (one-on-two?) time with my mama
Finding some peace with my path
A quieter week at work
Gift registries
Amazon Prime, for when life is too busy for even the basic stuff
A specially-made family picture for me to hang at work
Anticipating Halloween activities with my little Moana

On dragonflies

My beloved aunt, Liane, passed away on October 1. She had been sick for several months but the decline in her health was rapid and she passed away quickly. Almost unexpectedly. It hurts, unbearably at times.

I have spent some time overcome with grief and I do not try to hide it from Ruby. I want her to know that it is ok to love, it is ok to grieve, it is ok to cry. She sits with me quietly and strokes my arm and lays her head against my chest. Somehow, she makes this loss somewhat less unbearable.

My heart hurts for me: I loved and connected with Liane in a beautiful way. My heart hurts as much for her husband, kids, and siblings (my mom). She was a truly beautiful person. She was like a cozy, crackling fireplace on a crisp evening. I only wanted to be nearer to her to warm up. I think that's how everyone who knew her felt.

Her memorial service proved that true. Never have I been to a service like that; one that was so fitting, so comforting, so tender and gentle, and so full of love as hers. Everyone who spoke had genuine words of love and adoration for her. She dedicated her life to loving and taking care of others. They spoke of her nature: loving, kind, giving, and never one to complain. How she had her passions in life, but none topped that of her family. I walked away from that service appreciating her more than I maybe ever had.

Always, I adored her and loved to be with her. She never forgot a detail, a birthday. She made quiet, odd-ball me feel special, interesting, and especially loved. I realized at the service, that was her gift. She loved people and make them feel special and valued. She didn't just love them in her heart, she loved them with her words, her intentions, her actions. I truly can't think of a more beautiful legacy to leave than that. It inspires me to do the same.

Rest well, Liane. I love you. We'll see you again...

A new chapter

My little girl started Kindergarten yesterday.


I need a moment to let it sink in (still)...


The passing of time feels very surreal to me at times. I remember staring at my preemie in my arms at 2 or 3 months old and dreaming about Kindergarten, the school programs, the soccer games. I didn't want to rush her growth by any means, but I was so excited for all of it. I dreamed about watching my baby growing into a vibrant, wonderful little kid. Now, here she is.

We did several Kindergarten prep-type classes and programs to prepare Ruby, since she can be a bit nervous about new beginnings. I'm sure glad we did. It paid off and I felt relief as she strutted into her school yesterday. She held my hand as we navigated the busy hallways and her face beamed and you couldn't see her bouncing off the walls so much as feel it. Her excitement and nervous energy had her nearly trembling. She grinned at me so huge and squeezed my leg hard when she couldn't contain her joy. We found her classroom and said good morning to her teacher (took a few pictures) and found our way to the early-morning reading room. I wished her a great first day and she gave me a huge hug and kiss and an extra squeeze around the neck. She pulled back, looked me in the face "I love you, mama." She turned on her heel and entered the reading room, with all the curious little listeners turning to see who the next kid was. She didn't turn back to wave. She found a spot on the floor next to another little girl and crossed her legs and turned to listen to the reading teacher.

I made my way to the car before I cried.

I get sentimental and nostalgic at times like this. I think about the work and time and energy poured into easing this child's fears, into helping her build confidence and courage, teaching her manners, just all of it. Parenting (insert exhausted emoji here). How sometimes in the heat of it, it feels futile. That the same battle or argument or fit for the umpteenth day in a row is going to drive me insane. That the same worries or insecurities creep in for her and it feels the work to build her up has been undone. There is nothing a parent does to prepare their child for the world that is insignificant—so it seems at times like this.

I watched her excitement and confidence and felt comforted that my efforts in building her up, in cultivating that beautiful soul to blossom were not futile. She had an excellent first day and did not stop talking the whole evening. She was beyond deliriously tired last night. At bedtime, she asked if I would stay a little longer and snuggle with her. I stayed and rubbed her back as she finally quieted down and turned to run my hair through her fingers. She tucked her head under my chin and finally fell asleep. It was then that I was reminded, that although the day was, if I'm honest, quite sad for me, there's still so much to teach and grow and learn from my girl. It has felt like the end of my favorite book (her babyhood). But this is only a new chapter. I have loved raising my Ruby. And there's still so much to go.

My word, these 5.5 years have been sweet.

Gratitude list

Today, I am grateful for:
Bright and bubbly occupational therapists
The cooling temperatures
Dappled sunlight on the street
A man who loves, even when it's hard
Turning off the AC
The bedroom window open at night
R sleeping through the night
Some calmness at work
A glimpse of the solar eclipse despite the clouds
Seeing beautiful potential for my future
Watching the door close on so much of my past
New plants to perk up my home
Huge progress for R with her physical sensitivities
Feeling the hot, wet blanket of uncertainty finally fall away
Kindergarten just around the bend and a daughter who is thrilled about it
A new, comfy bed
A friend's brand spankin' new baby - healthy and happy family of 4
Preschool teachers who have guided, encouraged, and loved my girl for 2 years
Excellent hair conditioner
Feeling proud and humbled by my sweet, smart, beautiful daughter
Her courage and excitement for Kindergarten -- and even more so for her love of learning
Acknowledging the sweat, tears, and hard-core work it takes to raise a child
Appreciating that parenting and loving our children never really ends
Anticipating a massage on Friday
Every moment of peace and joy I capture

Gratitude List

Grateful for...
A real moment to breathe
A pretty green blouse that makes me feel beautiful
Finding humor where I couldn't before
Pay day
Watkins shea butter hand cream
My daughter (finally) mastering the monkey bars
Progress in areas of self control
The privilege of taking an afternoon off to compose myself, blast some music, and get stuff done
Summer meal: sloppy joes, steamed broccoli, corn on the cob, watermelon, strawberries, and homemade lemonade
Left-overs
Learning to enjoy mornings a little more
Techniques to help my daughter manage her worries
Always: sleepy snuggles with my little girl as the sun rises
The weekend ahead
Making fun plans
Filling my planner with action items, and getting to cross them off
Happy anticipation over food prep
My dad (Happy Father's Day!)
A flexible job
Having more vacation (and sick leave!) hours than expected
A man who loves me
Being given an option
Sunshine
Eckhart Tolle and his wisdom
The energy to read a chapter or two before bed

All my shoulds

For the last year or two, I have been working on my inner development. Growing up. Maturing. Please don't mistake me and believe me to mean "growing old." Let me be clear: I have always been old on the inside. 😂 I do not need to grow older. But I do want to become more mature. Learn to not let my emotions rule so much of my mood and life. Handle stress, relationships, and challenges with more ease. Become more thoughtful and calm. Centered. Focused. Healthy: body, mind and spirit.

In doing so, I read a lot of blogs, articles, books. Listen to podcasts and motivational speeches and TedTalks. I like to listen to people and sometimes I write down a note or two from a conversation so that I can think more on it later. I collect all these things in my brain and test things out here and there for myself. 

I have a thing about growing. I don't think there's anything inherently wrong with the way I am now, and I certainly am not trying to achieve any variety of perfection, but I want to keep growing and become a better, well-rounded person. In doing so, I have realized that there are some daily habits that need to be incorporated for the continuation of my evolution; habits that are really difficult to consistently fit into the life of a full-time working, single mother. 

Daily habits for growth

Cook and eat healthfully

Yoga

Stretching

Soul food (inspiration, words, connections that lift my heart)

Self care

Meditation and prayer

Time outdoors

Based on the time needed for the activities above, I need to move to part time work! Well, that is not an option and maintaining that level of dedication as well as full-time mom'ing, and a full-time career, plus extracurricular activities, relationships, and some fun... I will need to be satisfied incorporating a few of those things into each day - at least, until I win the lottery...

Growth

Do you ever feel like you have so much growing to do that you don't have time for "real" life? I have all of these things that I want (need?) to work on: spirituality, health, home, my inner self - that there isn't time for things like work or laundry! :)

Gratitude List

Beautiful, old music (Stand by Me, Ben E. King) that still resonates.
Uncertainty, and the ability sit with it.
Learning to remain open when things are difficult.
The opportunities to practice ↑ over and over again.
Only bumps and bruises for R after a tumble down stairs.
Remembering, again, my strengths.
The opportunities to put my strengths to practice, even if imperfectly.
A bright, intuitive daughter.
Feeling inspired.
Having a soulmate to love.
The energy and desire to read again.
Books that simultaneously teach, heal, and inspire.
Wonderful parents who love bigger than the sky.
Finding patience during uncertainty.
Blossoms raining in the streets.
Nothing but warm, summer months straight ahead.
Looking forward to 6 full days with my best girls.
The perfect shade of nail polish.
Finally believing there is more meant for me.
Feeling needed.
Shaking away energies and frequencies that don't vibe with me.
A daughter who loves ferociously.
A daily planner that aligns with my needs.
Packing lists.
The perfect chocolate cake recipe.
An open window at night.
Craving truth and losing tolerance for anything but.
Second day hair that looks better than first day hair.
Giggles and snuggles in the first morning light.
Practicing the ability to calm my racing heart.
Having so many things to be grateful for.

Highly sensitive

My little one is highly sensitive. There's no doubt. Emotionally, mentally, and physically sensitive.

On the way to school, she'll ask:
"Mom, if God made everything, who made God?"
"God has always just existed."
"Oh, ok, but who took care of him when he was a baby?"

She will ask how big Texas is and how long it takes drive there. What about fly? Could we take a boat? What about Germany? Is it bigger than Texas? How long does it take to get there? Could we go there some day?

She'll say, "Did you know Mars is red? Saturn has a ring. And Pluto used to be considered a planet but it's not anymore because it's different and a dwarf planet." On and on and on. Usually before my morning coffee.

She's the child who will hold my hand while walking through Target and out of the blue look at me to say "Mom, are you sad?" She's the kid on the playground whose heart is hurting because someone was left out. If the child is upset at all, Ruby is to the rescue. She's the one ruminating at bedtime that "A-- laughed at me today because I pronounced a word wrong. But I don't care" all the while holding her fist to her chest and her eyes melting with hurt.  She's the child who will give me one of her precious jewels to "keep it in your pocket all day. So when you put your hand in your pocket you will remember me and smile."

Heaven forbid I get upset with her. You'd think the world is ending.

Did I mention she is 5 years old?

Along with all the sensitivity in the heart and mind, comes the physical sensitivity. She catalogs her injuries with great detail and scores them and checks on them, noting the rate of healing, color, scab, etc. She tries on multiple outfits in the morning, because after wearing soft, loose pajamas all night, any kind of regular clothing is "not comfortable." Often, piles of tears have been shed in the frustration and irritation of having "nothing comfortable to wear." These fits of tears irritate me endlessly but knowing this is a trait of hers and she's probably more miserable than me, I try to help her out. (Other days, I hide in the bathroom and plug my ears until she finds just the "right" leggings or I can control my irritation; whichever comes first.)

Since she was about 2 years old, people have warning me to make her tougher. "She's in for a lot of heart-ache with a heart so big." I understand their concern. I feel it too. But I'm a sensitive person as well and understand Ruby. I worry that her heart will be shattered over and over, yes. But do I want her less sensitive? Never. Never in a million years. Her curiosity and questions in that brilliant mind will serve her well. Her physical sensitivity has made her thoughtful and cautious. Her emotional sensitivity is what the world needs. People who will stop to recognize hurting eyes and help a needing friend. People who will look another in the eyes and say "me too."

I will, however, try to teach her to recognize her sensitivity and manage it. I know how huge and overwhelming emotions can get. I know how easily feelings can get hurt. But these are skills that she can and will learn and it will only serve to make her wiser and stronger. Her tender heart is not something to encase in stone; it's something to be nurtured, protected, and treasured.

My God, never change her.