Thanksgiving

Thinking about Thanksgiving, I wanted to write something about gratitude and giving thanks. If I am totally honest, it has been difficult for me to feel much gratitude lately as I have felt many challenges the last few months, and I have had little time or energy (or will) to think about my blessings. Between adjusting to Ruby being in school—the nightly homework, the never-ending obligations and functions at school, the papers (my God, the papers!) to review and sign and return, the money needed, the forms to fill out, the fundraisers, etc. (I was unprepared for the demands of elementary school)—to preparing for a new bundle of joy, lonesomeness for my close friends, after-school care issues, relationship complexities, a drastic tightening of the checkbook, feeling unwell physically, mentally, and spiritually, and trying to juggle all the details and nuances of the life of a single mother  has left me absolutely spent these last few months.

Mind you, none of the challenges I have faced lately have been earth-shattering. However, the challenges coming at me from every direction has been overwhelming and I probably could have handled it better... but I am doing the best I can under the circumstances. Some days, I feel like I can handle only the very thing in front of me; everything else needs to wait. And, oh yes, the cherry on top? Insomnia. That helps a great ton. ;)

Anyway, in thinking about how difficult the last few months have been and how I feel neither the desire nor will to list the items I am grateful for, this is the time I need it the very most. I realize also that remembering gratitude in my struggles will most likely make those struggles more bearable, but like I said - one thing at a time! Learning, growing, and trying to better, always.

So, I will force it. This Thanksgiving, these are the things I am most thankful for...

My health. I debated putting my health or Ruby first, and if I didn't have my health, I couldn't care for Ruby the way I need to... so I will first say I am grateful for my health. I had struggled with depression and anxiety for so many years, that there is not a day that goes by that I am not conscious of the fact that I am not in a black pit of despair. I have found appreciation for the techniques and tools I learned during the depressive years that have helped me cope the last several months. Physically, I have been feeling unwell, but for good reason - and I remind myself that it is only for a season. I can live with it, if it means that I get to love the bundle at the end of the season. 

Ruby. My daughter, my heart, my sidekick, and my joy. She is my favorite person to be around. She's wonderful and generous and loving and deeply caring. She is so much of what is good in this world. She amazes and makes me laugh every day. There's something special about that child and I feel so lucky to be her mom and sit in the glow of the light that she brings this world. And I am so eternally grateful to be a mother all over again. 

I am grateful for my family and friends. My family has been hugely supportive and protective of me and Ruby, and although we have many differences of opinion, they forgive me my faults and sins and love Ruby and me wildly. My friends have been my strength and courage in life. I have a small circle of truly incredible people I call friends. For so long, I lamented that I had a small circle. Then, I realized that for what I lack in quantity, I have in quality; real friends who love hard and support endlessly and show up for me over and over and over again. If my life were a body, Ruby would be my heart. My family would be the bones, and my friends? The muscle. They give me strength when I am weak. They provide wisdom when I fall flat, and love me when I cannot find me. 

Cornell. I am so grateful to have known and experienced mind-blowing love. A deep and powerful love that I never expected to be blessed with. I am grateful to know the incredible man that he is, to observe the love and connection between him and Ruby, and to watch him become a father. I am thankful for the things I have learned on our journey and how, in so many ways, he has broken my heart open. Things have been really difficult for us and because of those difficulties, I find myself growing in ways I never expected. It has been painful, but growth is often painful and I realize our challenges have been a necessary part of my evolution. So, no matter what our future holds, I am grateful for and humbled by the love we have shared.

I am thankful for the life I have. I have been trying to educate myself on others, i.e., cultures, countries, people, ethnicity. I realize more every day how lucky I am to be who I am in the circumstances I am in. I am a healthy woman, a mother, a white, employed, middle-class American. All of these things are extreme privileges that set me up for an easier life than a vast majority of the people in the world, and I do not and cannot take that for granted. I realize that complaining about signing papers to return to the school may sound positively despicable to so many in the world who worry about the safety and health of their children before the luxury of school. I cannot deny that I am hugely privileged and I am so grateful for the blessings that come with that privilege. My great hope is that God uses my life and privilege to teach me to both love more generously and ease the burden for others. 

There are so many more things to be grateful for... but those are the main items on my mind and in my heart this Thanksgiving. Somehow, life seems a little more beautiful now then when I started this post. :) Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours. 

On mom'ing

Ruby and I were snuggling at bedtime last night, soft voices in the dark of her bedroom. Her head was craddled under my chin when this happened:

R: I love you even when I am tired and crabby.
M: I love you even when I get mad that you left your stinky socks in the living room again.
R: >soft giggles< I love you because you snuggle me and make me feel so loved.
M: I love you because of your gigantic heart... I also love that you made me a mom. Do you realize that? You're the only person in the world who gets that claim: you made me a mom.
R: What?!
M: Yeah, isn't that cool? Being your mom has been my favorite. It's a tough job but I love it so much.
R: Job?
M: Well, it's a lot of work sometimes. But I have more fun with you than anyone else in the world.
R: It's a tough job when your 5 year old doesn't put her socks away...
M: >laughed< Yes.
R: It's a tough job when your 5 year old is tired and crabby and complains about supper.
M: >laughed again< Yes, but what other job in the world makes me laugh as much as you? What other job in the world is as much fun as you? Or as sweet and kind and loving as you? None. Sure, being a mom is hard once in a while, but I love you always - even through the hard bits. That's not something I'd ever trade. I'm so glad God picked me to be your mom.
R: Me too. You're the perfect mom for me.

Gratitude List

Today I am grateful for:

Forgiveness from the one who relies on me the most
Early morning snuggles
Monday mornings after calm, comforting weekends
A piping hot Chai tea latte
Feeling seen
Fun plans with my Susie-bean
A safe soulmate despite the car wreck
Pictures from school
Some one-on-one (one-on-two?) time with my mama
Finding some peace with my path
A quieter week at work
Gift registries
Amazon Prime, for when life is too busy for even the basic stuff
A specially-made family picture for me to hang at work
Anticipating Halloween activities with my little Moana

On dragonflies

My beloved aunt, Liane, passed away on October 1. She had been sick for several months but the decline in her health was rapid and she passed away quickly. Almost unexpectedly. It hurts, unbearably at times.

I have spent some time overcome with grief and I do not try to hide it from Ruby. I want her to know that it is ok to love, it is ok to grieve, it is ok to cry. She sits with me quietly and strokes my arm and lays her head against my chest. Somehow, she makes this loss somewhat less unbearable.

My heart hurts for me: I loved and connected with Liane in a beautiful way. My heart hurts as much for her husband, kids, and siblings (my mom). She was a truly beautiful person. She was like a cozy, crackling fireplace on a crisp evening. I only wanted to be nearer to her to warm up. I think that's how everyone who knew her felt.

Her memorial service proved that true. Never have I been to a service like that; one that was so fitting, so comforting, so tender and gentle, and so full of love as hers. Everyone who spoke had genuine words of love and adoration for her. She dedicated her life to loving and taking care of others. They spoke of her nature: loving, kind, giving, and never one to complain. How she had her passions in life, but none topped that of her family. I walked away from that service appreciating her more than I maybe ever had.

Always, I adored her and loved to be with her. She never forgot a detail, a birthday. She made quiet, odd-ball me feel special, interesting, and especially loved. I realized at the service, that was her gift. She loved people and make them feel special and valued. She didn't just love them in her heart, she loved them with her words, her intentions, her actions. I truly can't think of a more beautiful legacy to leave than that. It inspires me to do the same.

Rest well, Liane. I love you. We'll see you again...

A new chapter

My little girl started Kindergarten yesterday.


I need a moment to let it sink in (still)...


The passing of time feels very surreal to me at times. I remember staring at my preemie in my arms at 2 or 3 months old and dreaming about Kindergarten, the school programs, the soccer games. I didn't want to rush her growth by any means, but I was so excited for all of it. I dreamed about watching my baby growing into a vibrant, wonderful little kid. Now, here she is.

We did several Kindergarten prep-type classes and programs to prepare Ruby, since she can be a bit nervous about new beginnings. I'm sure glad we did. It paid off and I felt relief as she strutted into her school yesterday. She held my hand as we navigated the busy hallways and her face beamed and you couldn't see her bouncing off the walls so much as feel it. Her excitement and nervous energy had her nearly trembling. She grinned at me so huge and squeezed my leg hard when she couldn't contain her joy. We found her classroom and said good morning to her teacher (took a few pictures) and found our way to the early-morning reading room. I wished her a great first day and she gave me a huge hug and kiss and an extra squeeze around the neck. She pulled back, looked me in the face "I love you, mama." She turned on her heel and entered the reading room, with all the curious little listeners turning to see who the next kid was. She didn't turn back to wave. She found a spot on the floor next to another little girl and crossed her legs and turned to listen to the reading teacher.

I made my way to the car before I cried.

I get sentimental and nostalgic at times like this. I think about the work and time and energy poured into easing this child's fears, into helping her build confidence and courage, teaching her manners, just all of it. Parenting (insert exhausted emoji here). How sometimes in the heat of it, it feels futile. That the same battle or argument or fit for the umpteenth day in a row is going to drive me insane. That the same worries or insecurities creep in for her and it feels the work to build her up has been undone. There is nothing a parent does to prepare their child for the world that is insignificant—so it seems at times like this.

I watched her excitement and confidence and felt comforted that my efforts in building her up, in cultivating that beautiful soul to blossom were not futile. She had an excellent first day and did not stop talking the whole evening. She was beyond deliriously tired last night. At bedtime, she asked if I would stay a little longer and snuggle with her. I stayed and rubbed her back as she finally quieted down and turned to run my hair through her fingers. She tucked her head under my chin and finally fell asleep. It was then that I was reminded, that although the day was, if I'm honest, quite sad for me, there's still so much to teach and grow and learn from my girl. It has felt like the end of my favorite book (her babyhood). But this is only a new chapter. I have loved raising my Ruby. And there's still so much to go.

My word, these 5.5 years have been sweet.

Gratitude list

Today, I am grateful for:
Bright and bubbly occupational therapists
The cooling temperatures
Dappled sunlight on the street
A man who loves, even when it's hard
Turning off the AC
The bedroom window open at night
R sleeping through the night
Some calmness at work
A glimpse of the solar eclipse despite the clouds
Seeing beautiful potential for my future
Watching the door close on so much of my past
New plants to perk up my home
Huge progress for R with her physical sensitivities
Feeling the hot, wet blanket of uncertainty finally fall away
Kindergarten just around the bend and a daughter who is thrilled about it
A new, comfy bed
A friend's brand spankin' new baby - healthy and happy family of 4
Preschool teachers who have guided, encouraged, and loved my girl for 2 years
Excellent hair conditioner
Feeling proud and humbled by my sweet, smart, beautiful daughter
Her courage and excitement for Kindergarten -- and even more so for her love of learning
Acknowledging the sweat, tears, and hard-core work it takes to raise a child
Appreciating that parenting and loving our children never really ends
Anticipating a massage on Friday
Every moment of peace and joy I capture

Gratitude List

Grateful for...
A real moment to breathe
A pretty green blouse that makes me feel beautiful
Finding humor where I couldn't before
Pay day
Watkins shea butter hand cream
My daughter (finally) mastering the monkey bars
Progress in areas of self control
The privilege of taking an afternoon off to compose myself, blast some music, and get stuff done
Summer meal: sloppy joes, steamed broccoli, corn on the cob, watermelon, strawberries, and homemade lemonade
Left-overs
Learning to enjoy mornings a little more
Techniques to help my daughter manage her worries
Always: sleepy snuggles with my little girl as the sun rises
The weekend ahead
Making fun plans
Filling my planner with action items, and getting to cross them off
Happy anticipation over food prep
My dad (Happy Father's Day!)
A flexible job
Having more vacation (and sick leave!) hours than expected
A man who loves me
Being given an option
Sunshine
Eckhart Tolle and his wisdom
The energy to read a chapter or two before bed