Gratitude List

Grateful for...
A real moment to breathe
A pretty green blouse that makes me feel beautiful
Finding humor where I couldn't before
Pay day
Watkins shea butter hand cream
My daughter (finally) mastering the monkey bars
Progress in areas of self control
The privilege of taking an afternoon off to compose myself, blast some music, and get stuff done
Summer meal: sloppy joes, steamed broccoli, corn on the cob, watermelon, strawberries, and homemade lemonade
Left-overs
Learning to enjoy mornings a little more
Techniques to help my daughter manage her worries
Always: sleepy snuggles with my little girl as the sun rises
The weekend ahead
Making fun plans
Filling my planner with action items, and getting to cross them off
Happy anticipation over food prep
My dad (Happy Father's Day!)
A flexible job
Having more vacation (and sick leave!) hours than expected
A man who loves me
Being given an option
Sunshine
Eckhart Tolle and his wisdom
The energy to read a chapter or two before bed

All my shoulds

For the last year or two, I have been working on my inner development. Growing up. Maturing. Please don't mistake me and believe me to mean "growing old." Let me be clear: I have always been old on the inside. 😂 I do not need to grow older. But I do want to become more mature. Learn to not let my emotions rule so much of my mood and life. Handle stress, relationships, and challenges with more ease. Become more thoughtful and calm. Centered. Focused. Healthy: body, mind and spirit.

In doing so, I read a lot of blogs, articles, books. Listen to podcasts and motivational speeches and TedTalks. I like to listen to people and sometimes I write down a note or two from a conversation so that I can think more on it later. I collect all these things in my brain and test things out here and there for myself. 

I have a thing about growing. I don't think there's anything inherently wrong with the way I am now, and I certainly am not trying to achieve any variety of perfection, but I want to keep growing and become a better, well-rounded person. In doing so, I have realized that there are some daily habits that need to be incorporated for the continuation of my evolution; habits that are really difficult to consistently fit into the life of a full-time working, single mother. 

Daily habits for growth

Cook and eat healthfully

Yoga

Stretching

Soul food (inspiration, words, connections that lift my heart)

Self care

Meditation and prayer

Time outdoors

Based on the time needed for the activities above, I need to move to part time work! Well, that is not an option and maintaining that level of dedication as well as full-time mom'ing, and a full-time career, plus extracurricular activities, relationships, and some fun... I will need to be satisfied incorporating a few of those things into each day - at least, until I win the lottery...

Growth

Do you ever feel like you have so much growing to do that you don't have time for "real" life? I have all of these things that I want (need?) to work on: spirituality, health, home, my inner self - that there isn't time for things like work or laundry! :)

Gratitude List

Beautiful, old music (Stand by Me, Ben E. King) that still resonates.
Uncertainty, and the ability sit with it.
Learning to remain open when things are difficult.
The opportunities to practice ↑ over and over again.
Only bumps and bruises for R after a tumble down stairs.
Remembering, again, my strengths.
The opportunities to put my strengths to practice, even if imperfectly.
A bright, intuitive daughter.
Feeling inspired.
Having a soulmate to love.
The energy and desire to read again.
Books that simultaneously teach, heal, and inspire.
Wonderful parents who love bigger than the sky.
Finding patience during uncertainty.
Blossoms raining in the streets.
Nothing but warm, summer months straight ahead.
Looking forward to 6 full days with my best girls.
The perfect shade of nail polish.
Finally believing there is more meant for me.
Feeling needed.
Shaking away energies and frequencies that don't vibe with me.
A daughter who loves ferociously.
A daily planner that aligns with my needs.
Packing lists.
The perfect chocolate cake recipe.
An open window at night.
Craving truth and losing tolerance for anything but.
Second day hair that looks better than first day hair.
Giggles and snuggles in the first morning light.
Practicing the ability to calm my racing heart.
Having so many things to be grateful for.

Highly sensitive

My little one is highly sensitive. There's no doubt. Emotionally, mentally, and physically sensitive.

On the way to school, she'll ask:
"Mom, if God made everything, who made God?"
"God has always just existed."
"Oh, ok, but who took care of him when he was a baby?"

She will ask how big Texas is and how long it takes drive there. What about fly? Could we take a boat? What about Germany? Is it bigger than Texas? How long does it take to get there? Could we go there some day?

She'll say, "Did you know Mars is red? Saturn has a ring. And Pluto used to be considered a planet but it's not anymore because it's different and a dwarf planet." On and on and on. Usually before my morning coffee.

She's the child who will hold my hand while walking through Target and out of the blue look at me to say "Mom, are you sad?" She's the kid on the playground whose heart is hurting because someone was left out. If the child is upset at all, Ruby is to the rescue. She's the one ruminating at bedtime that "A-- laughed at me today because I pronounced a word wrong. But I don't care" all the while holding her fist to her chest and her eyes melting with hurt.  She's the child who will give me one of her precious jewels to "keep it in your pocket all day. So when you put your hand in your pocket you will remember me and smile."

Heaven forbid I get upset with her. You'd think the world is ending.

Did I mention she is 5 years old?

Along with all the sensitivity in the heart and mind, comes the physical sensitivity. She catalogs her injuries with great detail and scores them and checks on them, noting the rate of healing, color, scab, etc. She tries on multiple outfits in the morning, because after wearing soft, loose pajamas all night, any kind of regular clothing is "not comfortable." Often, piles of tears have been shed in the frustration and irritation of having "nothing comfortable to wear." These fits of tears irritate me endlessly but knowing this is a trait of hers and she's probably more miserable than me, I try to help her out. (Other days, I hide in the bathroom and plug my ears until she finds just the "right" leggings or I can control my irritation; whichever comes first.)

Since she was about 2 years old, people have warning me to make her tougher. "She's in for a lot of heart-ache with a heart so big." I understand their concern. I feel it too. But I'm a sensitive person as well and understand Ruby. I worry that her heart will be shattered over and over, yes. But do I want her less sensitive? Never. Never in a million years. Her curiosity and questions in that brilliant mind will serve her well. Her physical sensitivity has made her thoughtful and cautious. Her emotional sensitivity is what the world needs. People who will stop to recognize hurting eyes and help a needing friend. People who will look another in the eyes and say "me too."

I will, however, try to teach her to recognize her sensitivity and manage it. I know how huge and overwhelming emotions can get. I know how easily feelings can get hurt. But these are skills that she can and will learn and it will only serve to make her wiser and stronger. Her tender heart is not something to encase in stone; it's something to be nurtured, protected, and treasured.

My God, never change her.

Decluttering

Most weekends from the past two months found me burrowed somewhere deep in a closet or drawer, sifting through the items in my home that I neither use nor love anymore. I decided early in January that I wanted to get rid of the clutter in my home. I have a tendency to keep things, usually for sentimental value, but I can't explain away my penchant for paper. I'll write a quote, song name, or a book title on a Post It or the back of an envelope, and soon I have a stack of papers on my kitchen counter 2 feet high, whose contents I will never remember I even have.

With some book and online inspiration, I decided to shovel out my home. With our crazy schedules during the week, I decided to tackle one room per weekend. The goal was to go through everything. Every last spoon and ladle and ineffective bottle of shampoo and underwear. I took out several trash bins of garbage and had an overloaded car of donations. I had a few bags of hand-me-downs for a friend and my home feels lighter.

Of note was cleaning out my papers. I had years worth of statements and bills to sift through (fell a bit behind on filing!). Horrifyingly, I had a small file cabinet with magazine articles, quotes, notes, random journal entries, recipes, poems, lyrics, short essays to go through. This file cabinet contained over 10 years of scraps that meant something to me at the time of collection. I went through every piece of paper and if it still spoke to me, I kept it. Most of it went in the trash. The memories flooded me. From certain pieces of paper, I could remember the exact moment I found it and decided to save it. Other scraps left me a bit puzzled. It was a bit like watching myself grow up... and heal.

The process was so cleansing - not only of my home - but the clutter in my head.  I feel lighter. It's been somewhat of a challenge to restrain myself from going wild with redecorating and filling up the empty spaces again. But I've withheld. I don't want to be a consumer just to consume. I want my purchasing to be thoughtful and I want my home to be filled only with lovely things that reflect us. So, I'm enjoying our space now. As is.

Love your neighbor

Have you been following the news? I try not to. My heart sinks to my shoes when I do and I feel so disgusted and fearful afterwards that I get a news hangover. All the drama that is happening in the world right now and right in our own country are enough to leave me sleepless. I believe our country has not seen this kind of unrest and turmoil in decades, and Americans are so accustomed to observing "other" people's issues on their televisions that we became complacent. Now, it's here. It's not even knocking on our door anymore! It's here and it's currently sitting on the couch, with the feet on the coffee table while reading the news.

Deep, deep troubles.

I think often about the stem of these troubles, not just American troubles, but across the globe. A lot of it has to do with money and power. Religion fuels much of the conflict as well. But I think there is a baser root to it and I'm still trying to determine what it is. I think it's something along the lines of superiority or worthiness or self-righteousness... but I can't pinpoint it exactly.

Why are people power-hungry? What is it about power that people get? Control, certainly. Status. Often wealth, stigma. But a person wouldn't need power if they didn't have some superiority goal, if they didn't have the need to be on top of the pile.

Same goes with money. Money, to many people, means freedom, power, status, superiority. Especially in the Western world, people tend to value a wealthy person's life over a poor person's. But what does that really mean? Why is the wealthy person deemed more valuable? Because of his economic contribution?

Religion. I have to admit that my stomach rolls a bit at the topic of religion lately. So many Christians in my own country who profess to love and value life, humanity, human rights, the blessings God has bestowed upon us are the very same people who decry the value of a brown-skinned life. Who denounce the rights of women. Who defile the earth on which we live. Who hesitate not in the least at waging war. I feel stunned at the bold hypocrisy.

There's so much hatred. It reverberates from the news, social media, even in the streets. The common theme through so much of it is that anyone who is different than me is to be feared and hated. In my mind, this is so much more than an economic, safety, cultural, or racial issue. There is an element of alarmist mentality and from every outlet it's "Us vs. Them."

We've become our own worst enemies - even though we think it's "them." It's our own rotting heart that is the enemy.

In my eyes, it's a root issue of the heart and all of these other issues are manifested because of it. The core of the human heart of humanity is corroded. There's a false sense of "us" and "them" and with that comes the notion that one is better than the other, the notion of superiority. It's ludicrous that there is some hierarchy to humanity: White men>white women? white men>black men? white women>black women? straight/cisgender>LGBTQ? Christian>Muslims? On and on ad nauseam...

It's all bullshit. It makes me angry. My question is: what makes "us" so great? What makes "us" SO MUCH better than "them"? What makes our lives SO MUCH more valuable than theirs? The truth is: nothing. You may not need to agree with them – but for God's sake – respect them. Value their life. Accept and tolerate their existence just as someone who disagrees with you accepts and tolerates your miserable existence. Who are we to say that we are better/more important/more valuable than the next person or group? Superior much? Bloated ego? Afraid? Powerful or powerless? What is it? What is that nugget of evil that lives in people that makes this our current reality?

Radical idea here: instead of collectively stepping on them, what if we wrapped our arms around them and collectively lifted them up. Helped to raise them up to their highest potential. The only thing happens is that we all win.

Here's a secret: there is no "them."

In high school band class, the band teacher said that a band is only as good as it's worst player. The quality of the music depended on every person in that band and that included the poorest performer. The music would never be more beautiful than that worst player could play. Newsflash: that's true for every group of performers, people, cultures, everything. That's humanity, people! We (humanity) will never be more than the poorest, sickest, most neglected people on earth, because we are a collective. There is no "them." The beauty of our world, human nature, love, life will never be more beautiful than the "least" of us. When we lift up the disadvantaged, down-trodden, poor, sick, discriminated, we are lifting ourselves up. And if we can't lift "them" up, for God's sake, don't kick "them" down.

I know, completely idealist notion, but it's what my heart knows is right. My heart and soul rebels wildly at the fear and judgments pervading our society. I mentally search myself to see what I can do to make things a little less hateful, a little less scary. All I know to do is love.

Mark 12:31: "The second is this: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no other commandment greater than these."