Remember me

I read an article today about desire. What it really means and what it does to a person. (http://www.oprah.com/relationships/Desire-in-Relationships-What-Really-Causes-Attraction/1)

Without going into the details of desire and all it's complications, one point was that "...in desiring we are in some ways loving ourselves, trying to find ourselves. What I discovered is that this idea—that self-awareness comes into being when we see ourselves reflected in another person's eyes—is a fundamental idea in much of Western philosophy."

To see ourselves reflected in another person's eyes... To see myself reflected in someone else's eyes. I take this to heart, not in a romantic light necessarily, but in a general sense. My mom and other people I love have commented on how I keeping wanting and desiring something more in my life, always more. But I never know what more it is that I want. This article shed a little light on that for me; I want to see myself in someone's eyes.

At the risk of sounding overly sentimental and self-pitying, people don't remember me. I can meet certain people 3 or 4 times and they don't recall my name or even meeting me before. It doesn't happen occassionally but all the time. This has happened all my life. I'm used to it and even find it funny now (realizing that they are the ones feeling foolish). The reasons are varied and fairly obvious but it really doesn't matter either way.

I'd like to find that something that makes them remember me. Something more that will make me reflect in their eyes. I want to be remembered.

Love and pounds

The Biggest Loser was on Tuesday night and it's really the only show I think is worth my time to watch on a regular basis. So, the season premiere showed some of the hugest contestants they have ever had. The biggest guy was 500-some pounds. It was incredibly sad. What I found even sadder were the single contestants. Several claimed they had never had relationships or been kissed because they supposedly have been too fat to be wanted or loved. My heart broke when one guy claimed he'd had a few relationships but always pushed the girl away because he didn't believe a girl could really love a 400 pound man.


This makes me wonder about weight and love.

Is a man at 400 pounds a different man then at 200 pounds? I believe so. I believe with the drop of 200 pounds, a person would drop a ton of insecurities. Because a man is 400 pounds and—maybe, maybe not—riddled with insecurities, does that make him unattractive or unsexy? I hope not. However, to me, confidence is the sexiest trait a person can have. Certainly a 400 pound man can have confidence, but how often is that truly the case? Studies have shown that thin, attractive people find more solid mates, better jobs, and are offered more opportunities than obese people – certainly that is a blow to confidence. Overweight people are viewed as lazy, sloppy, unhealthy, and not “put together.” The social effects of being obese are prominent and probably more brutal than most (fit) people realize.

What about physical appeal? Just by watching the transformations of contestant on previous seasons of Biggest Loser, the thin version of the contestant is undoubtedly more physically attractive than the obese version. That is to say that the obese version of the contestant was not also attractive (sometimes). But how much of this is ingrained social stigma? When the weight is shed, so are all the negative suggestions of laziness and sloppiness… huge factors in overall attractiveness.

It also has been proven, often times when a person is overweight he or she makes up in personality what he/she does not have in looks/fitness. A person may become more witty, savvy, or humorous to compensate the negative social stigma of obesity. Along with confidence, I also find wittiness, savvy, and humor to be very attractive traits. It makes me wonder if when a person loses the weight and insecurities, do the attractive traits disappear too? Or to some extent? The price and health of fitness is certainly worth it, but if it's the case that those qualities can be lost also, it is a very sad thing indeed. Instead of large, fun-loving people, we may become thin, vapid waifs. Then, maybe I'm over-generalizing.

But I digress.

What it seems to boil down to, are the mental and emotional qualities of a person large enough to overcome the negativities of being overweight? I think there are wonderful qualities in every human, and if we can look past our prejudices and judgments we can see the beauty (and sexiness) in every person. Because a man is 400 pounds and has not had a relationship or been kissed does not mean he is undesirable—physically, intellectually, or emotionally. It seems to mean that no one has yet taken the chance to find those beautiful qualities inside him.

Red! Im not drunk. Im upset and drunk!

"You don't even need to leave your  room. Remain sitting at your table and listen. Don't even listen, simply wait. Don't even wait, just be still and solitary. The world will freely offer itself to you to be unmasked. It has no choice. It will roll in ecstacy at your feet."

-Franz Kafka

Secret

Sometimes I think I will know I've found the love of my life by looking at his hands.

What I learned in 2009

2009 has been a year for the record books. My personal worst year yet. Full of trials and errors and confusion and upsets, I've made it through. I've learned so many things. I was on a brief hiatus from work and normal life to straighten out my health, of which I'm still contemplating sharing here. Confusion and miscommunication with friends, loss of a position/career I loved, loss of loved ones by death and choice, moving again, financial burdens like nothing I've ever experienced... have all led me to believe that I'm SUPERWOMAN.  I have survived it all and so many times I thought I couldn't. So many times. But here I am writing about it, throwing my trials to the public to say that if I can make it, surely you can too.

I have recorded lessons I have learned in the past. When rereading them they seem so relatively light-hearted and sometimes funny to me. (I don't believe I have a 'lessons learned' for 2008. Must have been a good year; or bad, depending on how you look at it.)

http://hmv003.blogspot.com/2008/01/what-i-learned-in-2007.html

http://hmv003.blogspot.com/2007/11/what-i-learned-in-2006.html

But for 2009, this is a short list of the things I have learned:

• People come into your life for a reason. Always for a specific reason. If you look hard enough, you'll find the purpose and the qualities in that person that were required for the job.
• Sometimes you have to lose everything to gain something.
• People truly care if you trust them enough to open your heart to them.
• People aren't nearly as judgmental as I suspected them to be.
• Never underestimate the power of support; giving or receiving.
• Life is scary and challenging; life is scarier and tougher on your own.
• You can hope for something or someone to change, but it will never happen unless you make it so.
• Smile even when you can't find anything to smile about.
• It is so important to do your best and fight for what you need.
• Pride goeth before the fall.
• Never lose hope. When you have no hope, you have nothing.
• I have the choice to feel, think, do, say what I want. It's not all left to chance.
• Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. (Proverbs 3:5)

There are so many more lessons, less important lessons, that have also smacked me in the face. But the list above are the ones that have hit me hardest. I'm thankful for that. I feel that at 28 years of age, I have gained a ton of knowledge, often by my own stupidity and often by what the Lord thought I should learn. Hopefully someday this knowledge will age into wisdom and I may help someone else along with their journey.

Merry Christmas

This Christmas, despite the stresses of gift-buying and Christmas baking without the proper equipment, is a joy to me. Now that my shopping and attempts at baking are complete, I can take the time to ponder this holiday season, my family, the meaning of Christmas, and what this means for me.

The holiday season is one of giving. Tucking a few extra dollars in the Salvation Army jar or donating to the local foodshelf are grounding tools. Buying, buying, buying seems to be the focus of so many people's Christmas that one loses focus of reality. Giving to those who are less fortunate helps to ground a person. Thinking about others is huge during the holiday season - but giving from the heart to family and friends, and strangers too, whether it be a pretty sweater or a can of soup - should be at the front of our minds.

My family is so precious to me. This hasn't always been the case. In the past year, I have come to realize how much they love me and how much I love them. Spending time with them over the holidays makes me appreciate them even more.

Christmas. Christ's birth. This is truly what the season is all about. The other day at work, an India-native wished me a merry Christmas in the hallway. I wished him a merry Christmas back, fully aware that maybe he wasn't a Christian. (I wonder about this still. Why, then, would he wish me a merry Christmas? Is it like birthdays? I wish you a happy birthday even though it isn't my own? I wish you a happy holiday of your belief even if it isn't my own? I wonder because he gave me a startled look when I responded. hehe ;) Either way, I make a point to say merry Christmas whenever I can to remind myself that this truly is about Christmas. This truly is about celebrating the birth of Christ. God gave us his own Son to save us from ourselves. I choose to believe that is why we give gifts; another reminder of God's Great Gift to us. This Great Gift means more to me than anything else in the world. Gifts, lights, wonderful food, family, friends, Christmas trees, etc., just serve as reminders of what we're celebrating this joyous time of year.