A new chapter

My little girl started Kindergarten yesterday.


I need a moment to let it sink in (still)...


The passing of time feels very surreal to me at times. I remember staring at my preemie in my arms at 2 or 3 months old and dreaming about Kindergarten, the school programs, the soccer games. I didn't want to rush her growth by any means, but I was so excited for all of it. I dreamed about watching my baby growing into a vibrant, wonderful little kid. Now, here she is.

We did several Kindergarten prep-type classes and programs to prepare Ruby, since she can be a bit nervous about new beginnings. I'm sure glad we did. It paid off and I felt relief as she strutted into her school yesterday. She held my hand as we navigated the busy hallways and her face beamed and you couldn't see her bouncing off the walls so much as feel it. Her excitement and nervous energy had her nearly trembling. She grinned at me so huge and squeezed my leg hard when she couldn't contain her joy. We found her classroom and said good morning to her teacher (took a few pictures) and found our way to the early-morning reading room. I wished her a great first day and she gave me a huge hug and kiss and an extra squeeze around the neck. She pulled back, looked me in the face "I love you, mama." She turned on her heel and entered the reading room, with all the curious little listeners turning to see who the next kid was. She didn't turn back to wave. She found a spot on the floor next to another little girl and crossed her legs and turned to listen to the reading teacher.

I made my way to the car before I cried.

I get sentimental and nostalgic at times like this. I think about the work and time and energy poured into easing this child's fears, into helping her build confidence and courage, teaching her manners, just all of it. Parenting (insert exhausted emoji here). How sometimes in the heat of it, it feels futile. That the same battle or argument or fit for the umpteenth day in a row is going to drive me insane. That the same worries or insecurities creep in for her and it feels the work to build her up has been undone. There is nothing a parent does to prepare their child for the world that is insignificant—so it seems at times like this.

I watched her excitement and confidence and felt comforted that my efforts in building her up, in cultivating that beautiful soul to blossom were not futile. She had an excellent first day and did not stop talking the whole evening. She was beyond deliriously tired last night. At bedtime, she asked if I would stay a little longer and snuggle with her. I stayed and rubbed her back as she finally quieted down and turned to run my hair through her fingers. She tucked her head under my chin and finally fell asleep. It was then that I was reminded, that although the day was, if I'm honest, quite sad for me, there's still so much to teach and grow and learn from my girl. It has felt like the end of my favorite book (her babyhood). But this is only a new chapter. I have loved raising my Ruby. And there's still so much to go.

My word, these 5.5 years have been sweet.

Gratitude list

Today, I am grateful for:
Bright and bubbly occupational therapists
The cooling temperatures
Dappled sunlight on the street
A man who loves, even when it's hard
Turning off the AC
The bedroom window open at night
R sleeping through the night
Some calmness at work
A glimpse of the solar eclipse despite the clouds
Seeing beautiful potential for my future
Watching the door close on so much of my past
New plants to perk up my home
Huge progress for R with her physical sensitivities
Feeling the hot, wet blanket of uncertainty finally fall away
Kindergarten just around the bend and a daughter who is thrilled about it
A new, comfy bed
A friend's brand spankin' new baby - healthy and happy family of 4
Preschool teachers who have guided, encouraged, and loved my girl for 2 years
Excellent hair conditioner
Feeling proud and humbled by my sweet, smart, beautiful daughter
Her courage and excitement for Kindergarten -- and even more so for her love of learning
Acknowledging the sweat, tears, and hard-core work it takes to raise a child
Appreciating that parenting and loving our children never really ends
Anticipating a massage on Friday
Every moment of peace and joy I capture

Gratitude List

Grateful for...
A real moment to breathe
A pretty green blouse that makes me feel beautiful
Finding humor where I couldn't before
Pay day
Watkins shea butter hand cream
My daughter (finally) mastering the monkey bars
Progress in areas of self control
The privilege of taking an afternoon off to compose myself, blast some music, and get stuff done
Summer meal: sloppy joes, steamed broccoli, corn on the cob, watermelon, strawberries, and homemade lemonade
Left-overs
Learning to enjoy mornings a little more
Techniques to help my daughter manage her worries
Always: sleepy snuggles with my little girl as the sun rises
The weekend ahead
Making fun plans
Filling my planner with action items, and getting to cross them off
Happy anticipation over food prep
My dad (Happy Father's Day!)
A flexible job
Having more vacation (and sick leave!) hours than expected
A man who loves me
Being given an option
Sunshine
Eckhart Tolle and his wisdom
The energy to read a chapter or two before bed

All my shoulds

For the last year or two, I have been working on my inner development. Growing up. Maturing. Please don't mistake me and believe me to mean "growing old." Let me be clear: I have always been old on the inside. 😂 I do not need to grow older. But I do want to become more mature. Learn to not let my emotions rule so much of my mood and life. Handle stress, relationships, and challenges with more ease. Become more thoughtful and calm. Centered. Focused. Healthy: body, mind and spirit.

In doing so, I read a lot of blogs, articles, books. Listen to podcasts and motivational speeches and TedTalks. I like to listen to people and sometimes I write down a note or two from a conversation so that I can think more on it later. I collect all these things in my brain and test things out here and there for myself. 

I have a thing about growing. I don't think there's anything inherently wrong with the way I am now, and I certainly am not trying to achieve any variety of perfection, but I want to keep growing and become a better, well-rounded person. In doing so, I have realized that there are some daily habits that need to be incorporated for the continuation of my evolution; habits that are really difficult to consistently fit into the life of a full-time working, single mother. 

Daily habits for growth

Cook and eat healthfully

Yoga

Stretching

Soul food (inspiration, words, connections that lift my heart)

Self care

Meditation and prayer

Time outdoors

Based on the time needed for the activities above, I need to move to part time work! Well, that is not an option and maintaining that level of dedication as well as full-time mom'ing, and a full-time career, plus extracurricular activities, relationships, and some fun... I will need to be satisfied incorporating a few of those things into each day - at least, until I win the lottery...

Growth

Do you ever feel like you have so much growing to do that you don't have time for "real" life? I have all of these things that I want (need?) to work on: spirituality, health, home, my inner self - that there isn't time for things like work or laundry! :)

Gratitude List

Beautiful, old music (Stand by Me, Ben E. King) that still resonates.
Uncertainty, and the ability sit with it.
Learning to remain open when things are difficult.
The opportunities to practice ↑ over and over again.
Only bumps and bruises for R after a tumble down stairs.
Remembering, again, my strengths.
The opportunities to put my strengths to practice, even if imperfectly.
A bright, intuitive daughter.
Feeling inspired.
Having a soulmate to love.
The energy and desire to read again.
Books that simultaneously teach, heal, and inspire.
Wonderful parents who love bigger than the sky.
Finding patience during uncertainty.
Blossoms raining in the streets.
Nothing but warm, summer months straight ahead.
Looking forward to 6 full days with my best girls.
The perfect shade of nail polish.
Finally believing there is more meant for me.
Feeling needed.
Shaking away energies and frequencies that don't vibe with me.
A daughter who loves ferociously.
A daily planner that aligns with my needs.
Packing lists.
The perfect chocolate cake recipe.
An open window at night.
Craving truth and losing tolerance for anything but.
Second day hair that looks better than first day hair.
Giggles and snuggles in the first morning light.
Practicing the ability to calm my racing heart.
Having so many things to be grateful for.

Highly sensitive

My little one is highly sensitive. There's no doubt. Emotionally, mentally, and physically sensitive.

On the way to school, she'll ask:
"Mom, if God made everything, who made God?"
"God has always just existed."
"Oh, ok, but who took care of him when he was a baby?"

She will ask how big Texas is and how long it takes drive there. What about fly? Could we take a boat? What about Germany? Is it bigger than Texas? How long does it take to get there? Could we go there some day?

She'll say, "Did you know Mars is red? Saturn has a ring. And Pluto used to be considered a planet but it's not anymore because it's different and a dwarf planet." On and on and on. Usually before my morning coffee.

She's the child who will hold my hand while walking through Target and out of the blue look at me to say "Mom, are you sad?" She's the kid on the playground whose heart is hurting because someone was left out. If the child is upset at all, Ruby is to the rescue. She's the one ruminating at bedtime that "A-- laughed at me today because I pronounced a word wrong. But I don't care" all the while holding her fist to her chest and her eyes melting with hurt.  She's the child who will give me one of her precious jewels to "keep it in your pocket all day. So when you put your hand in your pocket you will remember me and smile."

Heaven forbid I get upset with her. You'd think the world is ending.

Did I mention she is 5 years old?

Along with all the sensitivity in the heart and mind, comes the physical sensitivity. She catalogs her injuries with great detail and scores them and checks on them, noting the rate of healing, color, scab, etc. She tries on multiple outfits in the morning, because after wearing soft, loose pajamas all night, any kind of regular clothing is "not comfortable." Often, piles of tears have been shed in the frustration and irritation of having "nothing comfortable to wear." These fits of tears irritate me endlessly but knowing this is a trait of hers and she's probably more miserable than me, I try to help her out. (Other days, I hide in the bathroom and plug my ears until she finds just the "right" leggings or I can control my irritation; whichever comes first.)

Since she was about 2 years old, people have warning me to make her tougher. "She's in for a lot of heart-ache with a heart so big." I understand their concern. I feel it too. But I'm a sensitive person as well and understand Ruby. I worry that her heart will be shattered over and over, yes. But do I want her less sensitive? Never. Never in a million years. Her curiosity and questions in that brilliant mind will serve her well. Her physical sensitivity has made her thoughtful and cautious. Her emotional sensitivity is what the world needs. People who will stop to recognize hurting eyes and help a needing friend. People who will look another in the eyes and say "me too."

I will, however, try to teach her to recognize her sensitivity and manage it. I know how huge and overwhelming emotions can get. I know how easily feelings can get hurt. But these are skills that she can and will learn and it will only serve to make her wiser and stronger. Her tender heart is not something to encase in stone; it's something to be nurtured, protected, and treasured.

My God, never change her.