Home

Ruby came home tonight after 3 days away. Often when she comes home I feel her disconnection and distraction and even anger towards me. Tonight, I wanted to nip that negativity immediately... but it's so hard to know how. So tonight I decided to keep constant touch/interaction with her. I held her the whole time we were up and about. I talked to her and asked her to look me in the eyes. It took some prompting, but she did. Phew. One hurdle down. Putting her clothes and overnight bag away, with her propped on my hip, I told her about my weekend of cleaning the car and visiting with friends. I asked her about hers. She didn't have much to say except that she ate cereal. She wasn't too stinky, so we left the bath for tonight and I put her in her jammies and let her help with her oils. I let her pick out a few books and we spent 45 minutes snuggled in her bed, with her head resting on my shoulder and my arm around her. I could feel her melt into me. When I told her it was time for lights out, I could feel her anxiety and twitchiness begin. She needed a drink. To potty. A snack. Finally, she asked to "wock" (rock). I didn't hesitate. I picked up her and her blanket and went to the rocking chair. With all the blinds closed and no noise but the white hum of the fan, we rocked. She laid against my chest with her head resting on my shoulder and I told her how happy I am that she is home. How much I missed her. How much I love her. I asked her if she was happy to be home. She nodded her head against my shoulder and whispered "Yes." I could feel her melt back into my arms. I could feel the tension leave her body and in my mind I did everything I could to absorb any and all of the yuck in head, heart, and soul. Her arms were wrapped around my neck and her hands were twisted in a cluster of my hair at the nape of my neck. When her breathing became heavy and her fingers stopped twitching, I knew she fell into a deep enough sleep to move her. I untangled her fingers from my hair and laid her back to rest in the crook of my arm. I stared at her face for what felt like infinity. I prayed.

Sometimes it feels to me that motherhood is more emotionally... I don't want to say draining (because it's not that negative; it can be at times, but it isn't always), but maybe expensive (?), than anything. As mothers, we give our time, our attention, our efforts, our skills, our money... but none of that even comes close to what I give my daughter of my heart. While Ruby was away, I spent my weekend cleaning, cooking, doing laundry, shopping, preparing, preparing, preparing. Prepping for the week ahead. Healthy food to help her grow big and strong. Nice, clean clothes for her to wear. Clean and fresh house to make her feel comfortable at home. Organizing her toys, books, bedroom. Anything. Everything. To make her safe and secure. But all of that pales to the time and energy I took in thinking about her. Praying for her. Hoping, thinking, planning. Every thought I had about Ruby the voice in the back of my head whispered, "God, please let her have a good day." "Please let her sleep well." "Please take care of her." Please, please, please...

There is a quote floating around that says something like "Perhaps my mother wasn't so tired all the time because of the physical. Maybe she was exhausted from so much feeling." It's true. It's so true. I give Ruby everything of me. Most of the time it doesn't feel like enough.

Tonight, it felt like enough.

It feels, at this point in our journey, that the only thing that has mattered, that does matter, that may ever matter, is that I love my daughter well.