If you *really* knew me..

Found this idea from another blog and thought it was neat...

If you really knew me, you’d know that any gift I have ever received was really very special to me. If you took the time to think of me, it means a lot.
If you really knew me, you’d know that I love shabby chic décor (with red gingham tablecloths, lots of flowers, and rooster pictures) but don’t decorate my home that way.
If you really knew me, you’d know that I’d choose a Coke over any other beverage.
If you really knew me, you’d know that I’d choose my mom’s caramel rolls over a Coke any day.
If you really knew me, you’d know that I love county fairs, riding the ferris wheel, and the 4-H animals (especially pigs).
If you really knew me, you’d know that I named my daughter after my Grandma.
If you really knew me, you’d know that I wished I was more fashionable, thin, and trendy.
If you really knew me, you’d know that I also wished I was more “granola” (organic, vegetarian, Smart car, hippie).
If you really knew me, you’d know that my heart and feelings run deep, too deep probably.
If you really knew me, you’d know that I am often quite flakey and noncommittal.
If you really knew me, you’d know that I love hugs from everyone, except the smelly people.
If you really knew me, you’d know that I pick awesome friends.
If you really knew me, you’d know that I’m far too sensitive but absolutely hate to show it.
If you really knew me, you’d know that I’d rather spend my money on home furnishings than clothes.
If you really knew me, you’d know that I *almost* love rainy days more than warm, sunny days.

If you really knew me, you’d know that I love intelligent men, and if they make me laugh? Well, where’s the nearest chapel?

If you really knew me, you’d know that people often mistake me for being creative.
If you really knew me, you’d know that I love books, words, and people who have a talent for writing, and that one beautiful line of words can make my heart seize up with emotion for weeks.
If you really knew me, you’d know that I’m not much of a music person. I’m terrible at lyrics, artists, songs, just about all of it.
If you really knew me, you’d know that I never cried harder at a movie than I did watching The Titanic. I barely made it through the movie once, and have never watched it again.
If you really knew me, you’d know that I notice people’s kindness and manners 10 times more than I notice their looks.

The anthem of my heart

Love

So, I just posted my confession about my feelings of guilt and inadequacy in raising Ruby alone. I only skimmed the surface, but the words wouldn't flow (emotional constipation?). But I think I got the brunt of it out. So, now I have to write about what I feel 90% of the time. The overflowing love and joy that Ruby has brought to my life. The feelings I want to focus on.

I love Ruby. Doesn't that sound... obvious? Love. When feelings, so strong they take the breath from your chest, reach your heart, doesn't the use of words seem so inadequate? Love. Love. blah. It seems so vanilla and ordinary and not a drop in the bucket in terms of describing the turbulence going on in my heart when I think of my daughter.

It's not an entirely pleasant feeling, hence the turbulence. Along with the love and joy comes worry and guilt. And none of those feelings stop; not even for sleep. Thank goodness they don't, they keep the moment real. They keep gratitude at the forefront of my thoughts when I look at my daughter. I am reminded how precious her beautiful life is and think how fortunate I am to know that blessed little soul. A soul who shines to those lucky enough to meet her.
________________________

When Ruby was in the NICU, one of my dearest and closest friends and her husband came to meet Ruby. It was after they had met Ruby that they confessed they are expecting their first child. I could see the anxiety and uncertainty on my friend's face. Joy was there too, of course, but the worry was apparent. The absolute unknown was scaring her and I remembered the feeling well... but my elation for them was overwhelming. Since I had first become a mother, they were the first couple I knew of to expect a baby. I was overjoyed for them to know how it feels to be a parent and to love a child so deeply and thoroughly that the love of life doesn't compare.

Well, August 30, their firstborn arrived! When I heard the news I cried tears of joy for them. They know! They know! They know how it feels! That's what I was trying to explain to her that cold, winter evening in the NICU. Not to worry because it's worth it. That's what all the worry and uncertainty were for... this. This love. This love that is so much more than love that there are no words for it. Congratulations, my friends. Welcome sweet little Addie. I cannot wait to meet you.

Confession

Recently I have hinted about the stress plaguing my life. But what I have neglected to admit and have only started to come to terms with today is that I'm also mourning. Mourning in a "I think my heart is breaking, it hurts so bad but the tears won't come" kind of way. Since Ruby, my life has felt like a rose blossoming in the dead of winter. I feel such a grateful joy about her. But the circumstances surrounding Ruby cause my heart to ache.

When I was younger, I dreamed of being a mother to a handful of kids. I dreamed that I would quit my job so I could stay home with them, to wake them gently in the morning and share playdates at the park, and all the other endless benefits of being a stay-at-home mom. I wanted to raise my children. I didn't want to pay someone else to raise them. I wanted a warm and loving husband who would join us for bedtime stories and help to tuck our babies into bed.

Instead, it is Ruby and me. It's not this that I am mourning. I couldn't be more happy about Ruby, but there is a part of me that aches and wails at the thought of her lacking a loving, involved father. A father who tickles her and laughs, who gently brushes her hair in the morning, a father who tucks her in at night. She deserves that so much. So, so much. I remember, as a child, watching my dad kiss my mom and hug her tight. It gave me such a sense of security and the happiness just bubbled inside me when I saw that. Ruby deserves to experience that too.

Every week day I drop Ruby off at daycare so I can go off to work. Daycare saw her roll over for the first time. I must have cried for a half hour after I learned that I missed her first roll over. A small, dark part of my heart is mourning that we don't have slow, easy mornings lounging in our jammies, or long afternoon walks, or playdates with friends. There isn't time for those things when I have to work and be a parent on my own. I feel like our day is full of work and daycare, appointments and errands, laundry and washing bottles, visitation with her father, and at the end of the day, a little snuggle time before I tuck her in at night.

Ruby deserves the world. She truly does. She has blessed my life just by being in it and I feel like I have failed on so many levels already. I told a close friend about these feelings of guilt and she laughed at me and told me "Welcome to parenthood! The guilt never ends!" I guess my point is that I had so many dreams for my family, and almost none of those dreams have been realized. The only part of the dream that has come true is the joy I have. I didn't know it was a package deal with guilt.

However, I don't believe in feeling sorry for myself or for Ruby. Yes, I will indulge in this mourning "what might have been" for a day or two but I will pick myself up, shake the dust off, and get to work doing my best for Ruby and me. Yes, Ruby deserves the world. I can't give her the world, but what I promise my precious Bean is that I will give her my best. Always.

Lovely evening

My dear Miss Ruby,

I have to write you because last night was one of the most joyful times I have ever had with you. I have to document it so that when I am old and gray, and my memory fades, you and I can read this together and share some warm fuzzies.

Yesterday was August 23, 2012, and there was nothing special about the day except you. I picked you up from daycare and you gleefully sunk into my arms and hooked your perfectly chubby little arm around my shoulder as I spoke to your daycare teachers. You rested your beautiful cheek against my shoulder as we left and fell asleep in your carseat on the way home. At home, you were still sleeping so I placed you in your crib where you slept just long enough for mama to make some spaghetti. When I heard you wake in your crib, I went to get you and you again greeted me with a huge smile and bright eyes. You danced your little fish dance when I reached for you. We played on the living room floor for the next 2 hours. I tried to coax you to crawl, using my cell phone to lure you. You got on your hands and knees a few times and would scoot backwards, but the combination of moving your arms and legs at the same time still has you a bit puzzled. You talked, coo'd, screeched, drooled, and reached for me. You scooted, sat, tipped over, rolled over, laughed, and played so contentedly. You even screamed in frustration when you realized you were scooting farther from my phone instead of closer to it! It startled me at first, because you so rarely express anger or frustration. After your second scream, I gently scolded you. That's not how we act when we don't get our way. You looked at me shocked because I have never used that tone of voice with you, but you calmed down immediately and everything was fine. At one point, you were sitting and reached for a toy, and nearly tipped over on your face, catching yourself on your hands and knees. You looked up at me - completely stunned. I don't know if you were outraged that I did not catch you or shocked that that movement will enable you to, well, MOVE! But you were stunned and when I laughed, your eyes laughed with me and you wiggled your little fish dance.

When it was time for supper, I mixed you some rice cereal and squash. You chowed down so happily. For dessert, I gave you prunes for the first time and you loved them! You must have been quite full by that point, but you hammered those prunes down like nobody's business! You have never shown that much interest in your food before and it was a delight for me to see you so excited. I had flashbacks to sitting in the NICU with you, holding a tiny bottle containing 25 mL of milk, praying and begging you to drink that milk. Wiggling the bottle in your mouth, holding you at funny angles so you would not choke, pressing on your tongue to teach you the sucking motion... and, last night, there you were: chowing down prunes so excitedly! Bean, look how far we have come!

We skipped a bath last night, and I dressed you in your jammies. At 7 months old, your size 9 month jammies are too short, and the next jump to size 12 month clothes may just bring this mama to tears. My baby girl is getting to be a big girl and it's so hard to believe how big you have gotten to be!

I grabbed your bottle and blanket and sat with you in the rocking chair. I shut the tv off and rocked you in the quiet of our snug little home. As you usually do, you grabbed at my eyebrows, nose, and lips as you chewed and sucked on your bottle. When your eyes became heavy, you gently rested your hand on my cheek. I kissed your pudgy little palm and said the evening prayer with you. I must have rocked you an extra half hour last night... a half hour after you had fallen asleep. The laundry waited, the dirty bottles, dirty floor, the crusty spaghetti dishes all waited. I had my baby in my arms and there was no place else I wanted to be. Nothing I'd rather be doing. There was no one I'd rather be with.

I suppose, having gone over our evening in detail, it may not sound so special to you. But, Ruby, it was. Had we been in a movie, the moonlight would have been shining down on us from the window and a sweet lullaby playing in the background. :) Sharing those learning moments with you, sharing giggles and hugs - they are what life is all about. I couldn't have planned a more perfectly ordinary evening with you. Ordinary on one level, spectacular on every other level. Spectacular because I was able to spend it with you. I love you to the ends of the earth, my little jelly bean.

Love,
Mama

Hope

The last few months haven't been easy, as I have mentioned before. Some of the most difficult issues I have ever had to deal with, some of the most severe stomach cramps, some of the worst sleepless nights... But tomorrow they will come to a head and from there, the ball will be in someone else's court and I can stop worrying. There won't be much I can do about things after tomorrow and I have to admit that it gives me (already) such a sense of peace. I have done, these last 7 months, what I thought best, everything I could do to make things right. Hopefully tomorrow that proves to be enough.

I have an incredible amount of anxiety streaming through me right now, much like the past 4 or 5 months. But today, it's lighter somehow. There's hope stirred in with the anxiety and sometimes that hope wins out and that is when I can feel the peace beginning. I read two Bible verses today that grew that hope and I feel so much more optimistic.

"Faith: it does not make things easy, it makes them possible." Luke 1:37

No, it hasn't been easy, but all my heart's desires are possible because of faith and God.

"I will not cause pain without allowing something new to be born, says the Lord." Isaiah 66:9

The last few months have been incredibly emotionally painful. But I already see what is being born. In my heart a deep appreciation for my family and friends has been born. I never had that before. A deep love for life and a joyfulness that I have never felt before has been born and I cannot begin to describe how lovely it is.
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Might I add that being a mother adds more light and love to my life than I ever dreamed? The love and delight I take in my daughter grows daily and I may burst with the gratitude I feel. After all the mistakes I have made, the people I have hurt, the horrible things I have said, God still blessed me with the most precious, sweet darling baby girl. I am undeserving. She is amazing and daily I am in tears, simultaneously asking God for the grace and wisdom to raise her right and thanking him from the bottom of my heart for the blessing of having her in my life. Oh, how sweet it is.

7 Months

My dearest Ruby,

Today you are 7 months old. Seven months! It's so hard for me to believe that 7 months ago today, you were born and my world was forever changed. In some ways I feel it has only been hours since I first met you because I learn something new about you constantly. In so many other ways, there was no life before you. My life really began the moment you were born!

At 7 months old, you have rolling down pat, although it's not your favorite. You picked up sitting after a round of a gazillion-and-a-half sit-ups you practiced at Grandma and Grandpa's. (Grandma and I were shocked and very amused by your impressive determination!) It seems the sit-ups were all you needed to strengthen your tummy and back and now you sit very well. You scoot somewhat on your hands and knees. You scoot with your knees so quickly that your skin must get warm against the friction of your pants. Once your hands get going with your knees, you will have crawling down pat too. You are eating from a spoon like a champ and last night we tried green beans. It was hard for me to feed them to you because they aren't my favorite; it seems they aren't your favorite either! The shudder you made when I gave you the first spoonful almost had me falling off my chair laughing. You seem to enjoy squash and would love to feed yourself, if only you could master the spoon and which end goes in your mouth. We haven't started fruits yet, because the doctor suggested trying vegetables first, and only try 1 per week so we can easily detect any allergies. I think the love of sweets has been passed down to you, so trying fruits should be really fun. Have I told you lately how much I love exploring life with you?

You recognize Grandma and Grandpa's voices on the phone. The other evening you were dozing on my chest and I had Grandpa on speaker phone. Your head popped up and whipped around looking for Grandpa, until you realized that it was just the phone. Your delight and bewilderment were so sweet. You always have smiles when you hear their voices and it makes me so happy that you recognize and love them already.

When I bring you to daycare in the morning, you wiggle your body and wave your arms and legs in a way that reminds me of a fish out of water. I call it your fish dance. You are so excited to see the other daycare kids and your teachers. You always have a big smile for everyone. When I pick you up from daycare at the end of the day, you are just as happy to see me. I feel silly those afternoons I pick you up and you are so happy to see me and I am so happy to see you that the tears flow. The day before yesterday, I picked you up and you had pigtails in your hair! This morning I told one of your teachers it was your 7 month birthday today and she told me what a great baby you are. She said you are the most content, happy baby they have and how much fun they have with you. This mama's heart beamed like the sun when she told me that. 

You sleep around 10 hours per night now and very rarely wake to eat in the middle of the night anymore. I have to admit that I miss those super early morning feedings, just you and me cuddling and whispering secrets. When you had your fill, you would gently drift back to sleep and I would just rock you and drift off myself. Now, if you wake up before my alarm goes off, I can recreate those early morning feedings by getting you from your crib and cuddling with you in my bed. You never wake up grumpy or out of sorts, but are always full of smiles and raspy coo's. Sometimes when we cuddle, I may doze off but wake up when you grab my nose or softly place your beautiful hand on my cheek.

With your hand softly on my cheek and your mesmerizing brown eyes studying my face, I can feel a love and purpose so strong that it takes my breath away. It's those moments I will carry with me all the rest of my days.

Ruby, you make me a better person just by being you. I appreciate life, and health, and freedom more than I could have ever comprehended before. I am so grateful to call you my daughter. I hope you always know how much your mama loves you.

Love,
Mama