Since my little jelly bean decided to arrive early, I have received many questions as to what happened, how and why she was born so early. She arrived at 33 weeks exactly and although she was early, she was a healthy baby girl. My little Ruby...
Here goes...
Ms. Ruby was born on Monday, January 16, 2012, at 9:52 p.m., which happened to Martin Luther King Jr. day and I was on holiday from work. That morning I had run to Target to pick up a few baby things and some groceries to stock up for Ruby's birth; however, after picking out baby items, I was weary and didn't have the energy to pick up the groceries, so I made the trip quick and headed back home. Once home I began washing baby clothes and organizing. Only the day before had my parents come to town to deliver a crib and dresser and help me to set up, arrange, and prepare. So, I was gingerly folding baby clothes and placing them in the new, beautiful dresser my parents had refurbished for me, when at about 4:00 p.m. my water broke. I made a few frantic phone calls to my doctor, doula, and of course, Mom. Everyone told me to go to the hospital to get checked out. The doctor's office told me that they really doubted it was my water that broke, but just to be safe it was best to get examined.
So, I went up to the hospital at about 5:30. By that time, a dull back ache was beginning. At the hospital, they put me in a gown and hooked me up to monitors right away. The contractions monitor showed mild "irritation" but no real contractions. My mom arrived at the hospital shortly before 6:00. My doctor, clearly irritated, came around 6:30, where he examined me and some fluid under a microscope and declared that I had a bladder infection and it was time for me to go home. By this time, the dull back ache had become a pretty hefty ache, but the doctor and nurse said that bladder infections could cause back aches. The doctor left, the monitors were taken off, and I was told to get dressed and go home. During this, the ache became so painful and intense I was throwing up. The nurse looked at me sympathetically and my mother pleaded with her that something was seriously wrong, but yet again, I was told to dress and go home. I said, even if this is a bladder infection, could I have tylenol. The nurse denied me Tylenol! She said I could get some at the pharmacy when I picked up the prescription for my bladder infection. Mom and I, baffled and terrified, slowly left the hospital at 8:30 p.m. I was doubled over in pain, couldn't focus, and barely could walk.
In denial and terror, my mother drove me to the pharmacy where she went inside to get the prescription. At this time I started to feel contractions. I believe I was having contractions the entire time but the labor in my back was so intense I couldn't feel the contractions in my tummy. But, waiting in the car, WHOA, did I feel them then! Finally, much to my relief, Mom came back to the car and quickly drove me home. I don't remember walking from the car to my apartment and the tunnel vision from that point on was so narrow that it seems like a dream. I labored in bed, on the couch, on the floor, finally on the toilet. The relief of sitting on the toilet brought on the urge to bear down. Mom frantically dialed 911 and the ambulance arrived at about 9:35 p.m... only 1 hour after we left the hospital...
The baby's head crowned in the ambulance on the way to the hospital and the paramedics pleading with me to not push was like asking the world to stop turning. I could only describe my body taking over like uncontrollable convulsions. I remember paramedics, doctors, and a slug of nurses running my gurney down the hallways of the hospital and arriving in a delivery room where a different doctor told me that it was finally ok for me to push. One and a half pushes and my precious baby, Ruby, was delivered at a grand total of 4 pounds 12 ounces and 18 inches long. The screaming and crying that baby did would cause anyone to believe she was an outraged full-term baby! One very kind nurse held Ruby up for me to catch a quick look before they rushed her to the NICU where they hooked her up to breathing tubes, feeding tubes, IVs, and monitors.
I held my baby girl for the first time 12 hours later. She smiled for the first time 12 hours later. I named her 12 hours later. She was baptized 15 hours later. But I fell in love the very first second.
Thursday, March 22, 2012
Thursday, January 5, 2012
Cloud 9
I'm expecting a baby girl March 5. Exactly 2 months from today. I can barely contain my excitement!
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Conundrum
This has been the summer of change. I haven't posted in a while because my life has exploded before my very eyes and although there is so much to say, I can't find the words. It has been a summer of learning... learning acceptance, love, forgiveness, patience, and most importantly, trust. Trust in God (something I have never, ever been good at).
I feel like I have sat the summer in contemplative meditation. I think it is time to start taking action. I need to develop a plan and work it through by baby steps.
I feel like I have sat the summer in contemplative meditation. I think it is time to start taking action. I need to develop a plan and work it through by baby steps.
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Independence weekend
This past weekend was Independence Day weekend. The weather was spectacular. Maybe it felt especially amazing after our non-existent summer thus far. I find it hard to conjure up the words to describe a beautiful summer day in Minnesota, but here I will try to describe how I experience the magic of this amazing season.
The summer light is so bright even squinting is not enough; the blue sky appears to be a seamless sheet so delicately draped over the emerald plushness of the land. The sky so blue, and nearly... yes, nearly clairvoyant, it clears all clouds from my heart and reminds me of nothing except my blessings. And the trees! The trees! They rustle and whisper and coyly hide the twittering birds among their leaves. All the soft movements they make remind me of a slow waltz. Petunias and begonias smile their brilliant pink and red blossoms as their leaves slowly curl to escape the heat. The hardy long grass of the fields sway with the breeze, and yet, even they seem to wilt a bit under the oppressive heat.
The animals retreat to any reprieve of the blinding light they may find. In the shade of an old maple tree, the horse hangs her head, bored, as her long tail swishes at the flies. The dog lays flat on his side beneath the porch with his head splayed back. He lifts his head and pants; his tongue in sync with his inflating... deflating belly.
Looking up to the crystalline sky through tittering oak leaves, a little reservoir in my chest springs a leak of joy; it spurts and sputters until it has broken through and becomes a flood into my veins.
The summer light is so bright even squinting is not enough; the blue sky appears to be a seamless sheet so delicately draped over the emerald plushness of the land. The sky so blue, and nearly... yes, nearly clairvoyant, it clears all clouds from my heart and reminds me of nothing except my blessings. And the trees! The trees! They rustle and whisper and coyly hide the twittering birds among their leaves. All the soft movements they make remind me of a slow waltz. Petunias and begonias smile their brilliant pink and red blossoms as their leaves slowly curl to escape the heat. The hardy long grass of the fields sway with the breeze, and yet, even they seem to wilt a bit under the oppressive heat.
The animals retreat to any reprieve of the blinding light they may find. In the shade of an old maple tree, the horse hangs her head, bored, as her long tail swishes at the flies. The dog lays flat on his side beneath the porch with his head splayed back. He lifts his head and pants; his tongue in sync with his inflating... deflating belly.
Looking up to the crystalline sky through tittering oak leaves, a little reservoir in my chest springs a leak of joy; it spurts and sputters until it has broken through and becomes a flood into my veins.
Monday, June 20, 2011
Mirrors
Read this beautiful post:
Heal Your Life - Be a Magnet for Love
This part, “I believe that the Universe is always mirroring back to us our beliefs about our selves and the world. If we believe the world is a loving and friendly place, then most of the time that will be our experience.” makes me believe that even through my depression and pessimism, I must have had a loving, hopeful heart somewhere deep inside.
Why might I believe this? Well, if that statement is true, then I have unknowingly (until now) manifested those beliefs. My life has been blessed with an amazing, supportive family; true-blue, always-there-for-you friends; wonderful coworkers and supervisors. People are surprisingly kind to me. The clerk at the grocery store who asks me if I am surviving my Monday, the man who stopped to change my flat tire for me, the woman at the coffee shop who told me I was beautiful... Maybe these things happen to everyone but I feel so lucky to have these experiences.
When I was younger someone wise told me that when two people interact, no matter how miniscule, each person's life has been impacted in some small way. I have never wanted to be the person who made another's day bad, so I feel compelled to leave people with a smile or a thank you even if some days it is difficult to find one. Maybe these core beliefs are the reason I have been so blessed with remarkable relationships. I never really saw this before.
Heal Your Life - Be a Magnet for Love
This part, “I believe that the Universe is always mirroring back to us our beliefs about our selves and the world. If we believe the world is a loving and friendly place, then most of the time that will be our experience.” makes me believe that even through my depression and pessimism, I must have had a loving, hopeful heart somewhere deep inside.
Why might I believe this? Well, if that statement is true, then I have unknowingly (until now) manifested those beliefs. My life has been blessed with an amazing, supportive family; true-blue, always-there-for-you friends; wonderful coworkers and supervisors. People are surprisingly kind to me. The clerk at the grocery store who asks me if I am surviving my Monday, the man who stopped to change my flat tire for me, the woman at the coffee shop who told me I was beautiful... Maybe these things happen to everyone but I feel so lucky to have these experiences.
When I was younger someone wise told me that when two people interact, no matter how miniscule, each person's life has been impacted in some small way. I have never wanted to be the person who made another's day bad, so I feel compelled to leave people with a smile or a thank you even if some days it is difficult to find one. Maybe these core beliefs are the reason I have been so blessed with remarkable relationships. I never really saw this before.
Friday, June 17, 2011
Oh, so grateful
There is a person in my life with whom I have a very business-like relationship yet I feel so warm and thankful towards this person, I feel teary when I think of him. My psychiatrist. I met him 3 years ago after a plethora of incompetent, uncaring doctors I placed my hope in for years and years beforehand. The doctor I call my own has believed in me from the first day we met. I remember discussing my issues with him and the deepseated hopelessness I felt. He told me that I must have had a tiny bit of hope left since I was there with him. It was true! It took me a moment to register this and immediately I felt relief. Someone cared. Someone got me. Someone had hope for me. That day he promised me that I would make me better. He said he would guide me but ultimately I would heal to the extent I wanted. He promised that we would get to the bottom of the issues I was dealing with. I knew from that point forward I had someone dedicated to helping me recover. I felt a hint of faith.
Fast forward 3 years and here I am. Free.
At appointments before, I had attempted to express my gratefulness and appreciation for his dedication in helping me; failing, I think, to make him understand. My last appointment with him was monumental for both of us, I think. I was, as always, happy to see him and proudly report my progress. As I was walking towards the door, he motioned me to stop. With a reserved half-smile, he said he was proud of me and my success. He said he rarely saw the progress I had made in 3 short years; that most people spent their life struggling to get to the point that I had gotten to. I was stunned. People suffered for years upon years like that–their progress so slow? My only thought at that point was "It is because of you." I told my doctor that. He smiled at me and I think his eyes even got a little misty.
Dr. Tom, it is because you believed in me. Thank you.
Fast forward 3 years and here I am. Free.
At appointments before, I had attempted to express my gratefulness and appreciation for his dedication in helping me; failing, I think, to make him understand. My last appointment with him was monumental for both of us, I think. I was, as always, happy to see him and proudly report my progress. As I was walking towards the door, he motioned me to stop. With a reserved half-smile, he said he was proud of me and my success. He said he rarely saw the progress I had made in 3 short years; that most people spent their life struggling to get to the point that I had gotten to. I was stunned. People suffered for years upon years like that–their progress so slow? My only thought at that point was "It is because of you." I told my doctor that. He smiled at me and I think his eyes even got a little misty.
Dr. Tom, it is because you believed in me. Thank you.
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