Krishnamurti

I am reading a book called "Think on These Things" by Krishnamurti. Krishnamurti was one of the most famous philosophers and theosophists of the 20th century, although he would hate to be classified as either of those things. He has such a unique and quietly powerful philosophy to living life, I think he might be on to something.

In the book, he talks about never trying or wanting to be anyone but yourself. He says if you are a crude person and want to change, do not try to become not crude because in trying to become something you are not you only become cruder. Just come understand yourself and your crudity. Watch yourself. When you catch yourself being crude, observe it and understand what that means to you and everyone it affects. In understanding, you find the crudity will wash away.

Krishnamurti also talks about how ambition is such a huge root of the world's problems. He says that the ambition to get something, be something, do something will always cause the world to hurt because one person's desire or ambition and actions to fulfill that desire or ambition is another person's sorrow. If you aspire to get a promotion and receive it; that is to someone else's detriment. Somebody else lost out because you won. If you decide you need to lose weight and become more beautiful and have decided to go to the gym 5 days a week, then where you are again succeeding, your family (or friends) have lost out on time with you. Krishnamurti says that always, when you strive to become something that you are not it causes sorrow for others. But when you accept who and what you are at the present moment, and try to be nothing but yourself, that is when life is in harmony. He said that we should only try to be healthy and content in ourselves and whatever jobs, relationships, or changes happen to come about will come about organically and to the benefit of us and those around us.

Krishnamurti emphasizes the importance of learning, of never accepting anything you hear as a fact, but questioning everything to find the truth in your heart.

Flooding

Tonight, I sit at the computer at the American Red Cross office in East Grand Forks. I have spent the last 12 hours donating my time and energy to help with the Red River Valley flood. I have been a volunteer with the Red Cross since December and have had very little experience so far. My first experience is this; a national disaster. A team of two other ladies and I drove a truck to Oslo, MN, today to deliver food and drink to about 200 people there. Driving by the fields of water and the island of houses struck such a fear in my heart. Shortly before we arrived in Oslo, the water had risen so high it was pouring across the road. We drove about 200 yards through pouring water on the highway. Surreal. In Oslo, the sober faces easily showed the fear, yet the jokes and laughter were thin attempts to remain positive. Back at the Red Cross office, phone calls were pouring in from people in Grand Forks and Fargo needing shelter, food, sandbaggers, help of all sorts. We answered calls and directed assistance wherever we could. I could hear the stress in people's voices and it made me so sad. However, the Red Cross volunteers remained steadily chipper and eager to lend a hand and so ready to do whatever it was that needed to be done. The jokes and teasing and comradarie was comforting after all the fear and worry.

I volunteered to stay at the office and man the phones for the evening. I sit here in this office, the phones have quieted down as the evening wears on and people are worn out from the day. I look out the windows into the night and think about my day. I met so many people, shook hands with wonderful people, both volunteers (from Kansas, Iowa, Nebraska!) and victims alike. My heart feels steady and content. After all the chaos and confusion and fear of the day, I sit silently looking out the window at the streetlights and feel nothing but softness in my heart. I have seen so much love and compassion; I have given so much love and compassion. It's a flood of water, but it's a flood of humanity as well. There isn't any feeling quite like this.

These Shoes Are Made for Walkin

For the past couple months, I have been MIA; partly because my computer was at the doctor, and partly because I was on the road to self-discovery. How else would one describe the scratching away of the soul? I imagine it to be the sound of the dental hygenist scratching away at my teeth, the sound that makes the skin on my back crawl. The cleansing of the soul is a painful ordeal. Never before had I really taken stock of the events of my life or the kind of affect they've had on me. I literally sat down and made a timeline of my life, I wrote an autobiography, and I cried. A lot.

Now, I am not saying I have had a tough life, because I haven't. I have a solid family, wonderful friends, a great career, and opportunites at my fingertips. But the things in my life that have happened; losses, traumas... had been bottled up inside me for so long. Recently, it seemed that every time something rattled my cage a bit, I was like a shaken bottle of Coke. Pretty soon that bottle was going to explode. My nerves and feelings had become so delicate that I couldn't recognize myself anymore. I couldn't predict how I would react to a situation; it was like I had lost control over myself. Looking in the mirror was surreal because I could not even see myself through my clouded lenses of hesitation and fear. Very literally, I looked like a different person to myself. My world had suddenly lost it's peripheral vision and my focus was solely on the things directly in front of me. And when my focus was on something bad... it was really bad. And that was often - as life often is.

I had narrowed my life down to what seemed like nothing and I couldn't figure out who I was or what I wanted. So, I went on a soul-search. The past few months have probably been the most powerful and painful months I have ever experienced. But I have learned so much about who I am. I learned how to take the cap off the bottle of Coke... I could still shake it up, but whatever came out was ok. I didn't have to keep it bottled up anymore. I learned how to say "I'm sad" and realize that it is ok to be sad sometimes. Most importantly I learned how to say "I'm happy" and realize that that is ok too! I learned so many things about who I am and who I want to be.

I learned I am a compassionate person (despite what my mom thinks! ;) I love to listen to people and get to know who they truly are, although it is difficult for me to allow them to get to know me. That's something I have to work on. I love to help and comfort people. I love to give advice. I love strong, opinionated people. I have the opinionated part down, but I am working on becoming strong. I have high values, morals, and expectations - out of others and myself. These are things I had never realized of myself before...

At one point in the past couple months, I asked someone very special to me if I just sucked at life. Was that my problem? I just suck at life? Because I always seem to be swimming against the current. The woman got tears in her eyes, shook her head, and softly said that I didn't suck at life.

I finally believe her.

Love!

I love and am so grateful when the sun comes out from behind the clouds.

Love!

Long telephone conversations, laying in the dark.

Love!

I love Meg Ryan's haircut in "You've Got Mail."

...And when she sings "Harses! Harses! Harses!" on "Sleepless in Seattle."

Love!

I love the way hockey players look like turtles when they fall on their backs.