Flooding

Tonight, I sit at the computer at the American Red Cross office in East Grand Forks. I have spent the last 12 hours donating my time and energy to help with the Red River Valley flood. I have been a volunteer with the Red Cross since December and have had very little experience so far. My first experience is this; a national disaster. A team of two other ladies and I drove a truck to Oslo, MN, today to deliver food and drink to about 200 people there. Driving by the fields of water and the island of houses struck such a fear in my heart. Shortly before we arrived in Oslo, the water had risen so high it was pouring across the road. We drove about 200 yards through pouring water on the highway. Surreal. In Oslo, the sober faces easily showed the fear, yet the jokes and laughter were thin attempts to remain positive. Back at the Red Cross office, phone calls were pouring in from people in Grand Forks and Fargo needing shelter, food, sandbaggers, help of all sorts. We answered calls and directed assistance wherever we could. I could hear the stress in people's voices and it made me so sad. However, the Red Cross volunteers remained steadily chipper and eager to lend a hand and so ready to do whatever it was that needed to be done. The jokes and teasing and comradarie was comforting after all the fear and worry.

I volunteered to stay at the office and man the phones for the evening. I sit here in this office, the phones have quieted down as the evening wears on and people are worn out from the day. I look out the windows into the night and think about my day. I met so many people, shook hands with wonderful people, both volunteers (from Kansas, Iowa, Nebraska!) and victims alike. My heart feels steady and content. After all the chaos and confusion and fear of the day, I sit silently looking out the window at the streetlights and feel nothing but softness in my heart. I have seen so much love and compassion; I have given so much love and compassion. It's a flood of water, but it's a flood of humanity as well. There isn't any feeling quite like this.

These Shoes Are Made for Walkin

For the past couple months, I have been MIA; partly because my computer was at the doctor, and partly because I was on the road to self-discovery. How else would one describe the scratching away of the soul? I imagine it to be the sound of the dental hygenist scratching away at my teeth, the sound that makes the skin on my back crawl. The cleansing of the soul is a painful ordeal. Never before had I really taken stock of the events of my life or the kind of affect they've had on me. I literally sat down and made a timeline of my life, I wrote an autobiography, and I cried. A lot.

Now, I am not saying I have had a tough life, because I haven't. I have a solid family, wonderful friends, a great career, and opportunites at my fingertips. But the things in my life that have happened; losses, traumas... had been bottled up inside me for so long. Recently, it seemed that every time something rattled my cage a bit, I was like a shaken bottle of Coke. Pretty soon that bottle was going to explode. My nerves and feelings had become so delicate that I couldn't recognize myself anymore. I couldn't predict how I would react to a situation; it was like I had lost control over myself. Looking in the mirror was surreal because I could not even see myself through my clouded lenses of hesitation and fear. Very literally, I looked like a different person to myself. My world had suddenly lost it's peripheral vision and my focus was solely on the things directly in front of me. And when my focus was on something bad... it was really bad. And that was often - as life often is.

I had narrowed my life down to what seemed like nothing and I couldn't figure out who I was or what I wanted. So, I went on a soul-search. The past few months have probably been the most powerful and painful months I have ever experienced. But I have learned so much about who I am. I learned how to take the cap off the bottle of Coke... I could still shake it up, but whatever came out was ok. I didn't have to keep it bottled up anymore. I learned how to say "I'm sad" and realize that it is ok to be sad sometimes. Most importantly I learned how to say "I'm happy" and realize that that is ok too! I learned so many things about who I am and who I want to be.

I learned I am a compassionate person (despite what my mom thinks! ;) I love to listen to people and get to know who they truly are, although it is difficult for me to allow them to get to know me. That's something I have to work on. I love to help and comfort people. I love to give advice. I love strong, opinionated people. I have the opinionated part down, but I am working on becoming strong. I have high values, morals, and expectations - out of others and myself. These are things I had never realized of myself before...

At one point in the past couple months, I asked someone very special to me if I just sucked at life. Was that my problem? I just suck at life? Because I always seem to be swimming against the current. The woman got tears in her eyes, shook her head, and softly said that I didn't suck at life.

I finally believe her.

Love!

I love and am so grateful when the sun comes out from behind the clouds.

Love!

Long telephone conversations, laying in the dark.

Love!

I love Meg Ryan's haircut in "You've Got Mail."

...And when she sings "Harses! Harses! Harses!" on "Sleepless in Seattle."

Love!

I love the way hockey players look like turtles when they fall on their backs.

"Going beyond fear begins when we examine our fear: our anxiety, nervousness, concern, and restlessness. If we look into our fear, if we look beneath the veneer, the first thing we find is sadness, beneath the nervousness. Nervousness is cranking up, vibrating all the time. When we slow down, when we relax with our fear, we find sadness, which is calm and gentle. Sadness hits you in your heart, and your body produces a tear. Before you cry, there is a a feeling in your chest and then, after that, you produce tears in your eyes. You are about to produce rain or a waterfall in your eyes and you feel sad and lonely and perhaps romantic at the same time. That is the first tip of fearlessness, and the first sign of real warriorship. You might think that, when you experience fearlessness, you will hear the opening to Beethoven's Fifth Symphony or see a great explosion in the sky, but it doesn't happen that way. Discovering fearlessness comes from working with the softness of the human heart." --Chogyam Trungpa


I have been reading self-help books one after another. A few from my vast collection are "A New Earth," "Awaken the Giant Within," "The Happiness Hypothesis," "Tao Te Ching" among so many others. The most recent book I have stuck my nose in is "Broken Open" - recommended by Oprah, of course. I guess I find the need to read these books because there seems so much more to life than what I experience, and I want to learn to sink to the deeper level; to suck every last juicy bit out of this life.

It's no secret that I have traveled a bumpy road. So bumpy, in fact, that I lose my grip on the steering wheel and swivel and swerve until I'm nearly out of control. I guess I hope these books will help me also find the smoother road. The book I'm reading now talks about fear. I had to stop and think about my life and how much fear it contains. It's ridiculous! I can't think of anything I'm NOT afraid of...I guess I'm not afraid of dying. I never have been. But the list of fears is endless... not being good enough, not having enough, protecting my heart so no one hurts me, and the list goes on.

I'm also afraid of showing people who I truly am. Why? Because then they will know I am imperfect. (SHOCK!) They will see all the scars my heart has and see the bumpy road I have traveled and maybe they will judge me. But people judge me regardless. That is something I need to remember - it doesn't matter because I am being judged regardless. Would I rather have them judge me based on the cold, quiet wall I've built to keep them out, or would I have them see the real me in all my broken glory and maybe even feel a kinship with me because no one is perfect. No one can claim to have the perfect life, the perfect morals, ideals, relationships; perfect anything. I think about a postcard I saw once on Postsecret.com - and it haunts me now and then. It was a picture of someone with tatoos and peircings all over their face and underneath it said, "I don't do it so people look; I do it so people don't look too closely."

Isn't that how most people are? They don't want to be seen for their imperfections and so when you ask someone "how are you?" and they say "fine" even though maybe their heart is breaking or maybe they are angry as hell. So, why do we feel compelled to say "fine?"

People judge other people, whether we like it or not. But who cares, really? We are all human with the same human emotions and problems and imperfections. So, I've decided that I need to stop being afraid to show other people who I am. I need to become real with people. Certainly I am not afraid to express myself on my blog - but it goes out into this open void where I don't know who's reading it and I am not confronted with questions and direct judgement from others, and if someone cares enough to leave a rude comment, I have the luxury of deleting it. But person-to-person contact is completely different and I have to learn to open up and be real with people... because I love when people are real with me.