Independence weekend

This past weekend was Independence Day weekend. The weather was spectacular. Maybe it felt especially amazing after our non-existent summer thus far. I find it hard to conjure up the words to describe a beautiful summer day in Minnesota, but here I will try to describe how I experience the magic of this amazing season.

The summer light is so bright even squinting is not enough; the blue sky appears to be a seamless sheet so delicately draped over the emerald plushness of the land. The sky so blue, and nearly... yes, nearly clairvoyant, it clears all clouds from my heart and reminds me of nothing except my blessings. And the trees! The trees! They rustle and whisper and coyly hide the twittering birds among their leaves. All the soft movements they make remind me of a slow waltz. Petunias and begonias smile their brilliant pink and red blossoms as their leaves slowly curl to escape the heat. The hardy long grass of the fields sway with the breeze, and yet, even they seem to wilt a bit under the oppressive heat.

The animals retreat to any reprieve of the blinding light they may find. In the shade of an old maple tree, the horse hangs her head, bored, as her long tail swishes at the flies. The dog lays flat on his side beneath the porch with his head splayed back. He lifts his head and pants; his tongue in sync with his inflating... deflating belly.

Looking up to the crystalline sky through tittering oak leaves, a little reservoir in my chest springs a leak of joy; it spurts and sputters until it has broken through and becomes a flood into my veins.

Mirrors

Read this beautiful post:

Heal Your Life - Be a Magnet for Love

This part, “I believe that the Universe is always mirroring back to us our beliefs about our selves and the world. If we believe the world is a loving and friendly place, then most of the time that will be our experience.” makes me believe that even through my depression and pessimism, I must have had a loving, hopeful heart somewhere deep inside.

Why might I believe this? Well, if that statement is true, then I have unknowingly (until now) manifested those beliefs. My life has been blessed with an amazing, supportive family; true-blue, always-there-for-you friends; wonderful coworkers and supervisors. People are surprisingly kind to me. The clerk at the grocery store who asks me if I am surviving my Monday, the man who stopped to change my flat tire for me, the woman at the coffee shop who told me I was beautiful... Maybe these things happen to everyone but I feel so lucky to have these experiences.

When I was younger someone wise told me that when two people interact, no matter how miniscule, each person's life has been impacted in some small way. I have never wanted to be the person who made another's day bad, so I feel compelled to leave people with a smile or a thank you even if some days it is difficult to find one. Maybe these core beliefs are the reason I have been so blessed with remarkable relationships. I never really saw this before.

Oh, so grateful

There is a person in my life with whom I have a very business-like relationship yet I feel so warm and thankful towards this person, I feel teary when I think of him. My psychiatrist. I met him 3 years ago after a plethora of incompetent, uncaring doctors I placed my hope in for years and years beforehand. The doctor I call my own has believed in me from the first day we met. I remember discussing my issues with him and the deepseated hopelessness I felt. He told me that I must have had a tiny bit of hope left since I was there with him. It was true! It took me a moment to register this and immediately I felt relief. Someone cared. Someone got me. Someone had hope for me. That day he promised me that I would make me better. He said he would guide me but ultimately I would heal to the extent I wanted. He promised that we would get to the bottom of the issues I was dealing with. I knew from that point forward I had someone dedicated to helping me recover. I felt a hint of faith.

Fast forward 3 years and here I am. Free.

At appointments before, I had attempted to express my gratefulness and appreciation for his dedication in helping me; failing, I think, to make him understand. My last appointment with him was monumental for both of us, I think. I was, as always, happy to see him and proudly report my progress. As I was walking towards the door, he motioned me to stop. With a reserved half-smile, he said he was proud of me and my success. He said he rarely saw the progress I had made in 3 short years; that most people spent their life struggling to get to the point that I had gotten to. I was stunned. People suffered for years upon years like that–their progress so slow? My only thought at that point was "It is because of you." I told my doctor that. He smiled at me and I think his eyes even got a little misty.

Dr. Tom, it is because you believed in me. Thank you.

She knew she could do anything

The Art Fest was in GF this past weekend. I love it! People are so amazingly creative and have the most clever minds. I could have spent a fortune, but came home with two bars of soap and a necklace. The front side of the pendant is a victorian picture of a woman with the words "She knew she could do anything." The back side of the pendant has a victorian picture of a woman's backside and reads "Then she got off her ass and did it."

I think that sums up where I am sitting in life.

Double vision

There's always multiple ways to view a circumstance. They say that when multiple people view a car crash they all have various reportings of what happened; no matter how small the variance. Each person sees the incident through their own eyes. Which story do you go with?

I feel, in so many ways, that I am two people. No, I don't struggle with multiple personality disorder, but I do struggle with life during my depression and life after. I often have to weigh my views carefully because my opinion of something now maybe tainted by what I thought or felt of it before. Life during my depression, which shadowed most of my teenage and adult life, was obviously very negative. I have learned that our thoughts create our feelings. My thoughts during most of that time were very angry, bitter, and sad. My views and feelings of the world were always contaminanted by those thoughts. But because of the depression, I didn't have much control over my thoughts—that is the disorder.

Because of my negative thoughts and feelings, there are plenty of things I have said and done of which I am ashamed. I lashed out at people and have done things which hurt others and myself. I know better now. I can make better decisions because I am not plagued by the negativity. I see things clearer now, I think (!). I feel so blessed to be one of the fortunate ones to pull through. I can't express enough how thrilled I am to be looking through these lens now.

Sunday, June 5, 2011

Splinters

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.” --Neil Gaiman