I had two dates this week, with different people. (My friend called me a floozey for it.) I was really excited about the first date. Great looking guy, someone with his act together, made me laugh... Well, that date bombed. We met for a drink and although we covered every topic under the sun, it was dull and awkward. I was so nervous that I could not tell if there were sparks. I left the date, climbed in my car, and cried. Disappointed that once again it (I) had bombed.
The second date was very spontaneous with someone I had just met. We met for coffee at my favorite coffee shop and talked for a couple of hours. He is from a different country and has traveled pretty extensively. He was interesting and funny and incredibly intelligent. I had so much fun talking to this man, foreign to the country and very foreign to me, it was refreshing. I can't say that I had any chemistry with him either but I certainly enjoyed my time with him and hope to see him again.
My social/love life has been very boring and incredibly disappointing lately. It seems that all my friends either live far away or live nearby but are married with kids. I wish I had someone who I could spontaneously call to go for a walk or see a movie with. I guess that is the plight of an unmarried nearly-30-year-old.
And dating! Oh man, dating. Something that should be so fun and exciting has become rather tedious. There are plenty of men out there but those men have loads of baggage -- previous marriages, recovering broken hearts, kids, etc. Now, that is fine, because God knows I have loads of baggage myself, but that is why I think it is important for me to find someone stable and reliable. The last two dates have been with men who appear very stable. However, that is not enough. Chemistry, excitement, anxiousness should all be a part of dating and I just can't seem to find the combo. Obviously I haven't found 'the right one' yet; but it gets very discouraging to get excited to meet someone and have hopes crashed over and over again.
A few years ago I had prayed to God to give me someone to love. He sent me the man who eventually broke my heart like nothing I could imagine. The next man God sent me to love was not someone I was 'in' love with but who I did love and he became a treasured friend. What was in common with these two men? They both had immense emotional baggage. Immense. I was never able to crack either ones wall and that was very difficult for me to understand and forgive. It hurt deeply that they didn't trust me to care for them and love them the way I knew how to love. I felt that was why God had put them in my life and now I couldn't fulfill my wishes? Well, I soon came to realize that I did fulfill my wishes. I did love those men the best way I knew how and although that was not enough to make them love me back, God gave me someone to love just as I had asked.
Although I have found a renewed love for life and joy in each breath, I find that now I am the one with stone around my heart. I often feel boring and inadequate meeting new people, men especially. I feel shut down. I know that is to prevent myself from getting hurt or disappointed again but I do not know how to turn that fear away. I've said before that I feel like a baby discovering this whole new world of possibilities and happiness but I still feel I am viewing the dating world from my front porch instead of jumping into the lawn with bare feet.
The second date this week even commented on my stone heart. He looked me in the face and told me that although I am very beautiful, intelligent, and independent, he could feel my reservation. He openly asked me if my heart had been broken and when I nodded, he said that I need to forgive myself and my past and look brightly to the future. I was stunned that although I was shut down I was so transparent. But his words really touched me.
Forgive myself and my past; I never even considered the possibility that I could hold a grudge against myself or my past. The idea of it fills me with the vision of work to be done... and hope. His words were the truth, as soon as he spoke them, I could feel the truth of it run over me like water.
Look brightly to the future... I love this. I will make this my mission every day.
Friday, May 6, 2011
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
A reckoning
I remember the day 9/11 very well. A day I was glued to the tv. The evening of 9/11 I went to a special church service in the evening with a friend of mine and as we listened to the pastor tears flowed down my face. I could not imagine the horror so many people had experienced. In the following days, I heard the stories of the heros - those on the planes, those firemen willing to risk their lives, and countless others. And then I heard the stories of people in wheelchairs stuck on the 15th floor of the World Trade Center, watching as terrified people ran past them, ran down the stairs where their wheelchairs could not take them. The stories, all of them, broke my heart and do even today.
A great American victory occured over the weekend. The death of Osama bin Laden... the leader of al-Qaeda. The mastermind of terroristic acts upon countless people, the death of thousands of innocent Americans, the destructor of security and comfort. Because of the acts of he and al Qaeda, America has been on edge—especially for the past 10 years—and hungry for justice.
So his death has become a national celebration and a so-called reckoning. I have hope for the survivors and loved-ones of fallen victims and soldiers who have lost their lives to the hands of terrorism. I pray that they may find at least a tiny bit of comfort in the fact that bin Laden no longer pollutes the earth. It does not bring loved ones back to us but perhaps there is comfort in knowing he can never hurt anyone again.
I celebrate, but with hesitation. I rejoice in the fact that one more evil person has been extinguished but it makes me wonder to what level humanity has been lowered. My heart aches and wonders what breeds such hate and resentment in one person?
In our world, I see hatred and loathing at every turn. Where is the love?
"If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other." -Mother Teresa
We belong to each other. Humanity is one. "The state of being human." We are one. When we show and commit acts of hatred and disdain for others, we show and commit it to ourselves. Why is that not understood?
"Peace is not merely a distant goal that we seek, but a means by which we arrive at that goal." -Martin Luther King Jr.
I believe those words as the truth but it is hard to fathom in this world.
A great American victory occured over the weekend. The death of Osama bin Laden... the leader of al-Qaeda. The mastermind of terroristic acts upon countless people, the death of thousands of innocent Americans, the destructor of security and comfort. Because of the acts of he and al Qaeda, America has been on edge—especially for the past 10 years—and hungry for justice.
So his death has become a national celebration and a so-called reckoning. I have hope for the survivors and loved-ones of fallen victims and soldiers who have lost their lives to the hands of terrorism. I pray that they may find at least a tiny bit of comfort in the fact that bin Laden no longer pollutes the earth. It does not bring loved ones back to us but perhaps there is comfort in knowing he can never hurt anyone again.
I celebrate, but with hesitation. I rejoice in the fact that one more evil person has been extinguished but it makes me wonder to what level humanity has been lowered. My heart aches and wonders what breeds such hate and resentment in one person?
In our world, I see hatred and loathing at every turn. Where is the love?
"If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other." -Mother Teresa
We belong to each other. Humanity is one. "The state of being human." We are one. When we show and commit acts of hatred and disdain for others, we show and commit it to ourselves. Why is that not understood?
"Peace is not merely a distant goal that we seek, but a means by which we arrive at that goal." -Martin Luther King Jr.
I believe those words as the truth but it is hard to fathom in this world.
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Big balls
Some people may view life as a dorky kid, with dirty sneakers and untied laces, bouncing a big ball. That ball is people. Humans. Us. The kid throws the ball, bounces it, kicks it. They say life kicks us. Sometimes it kicks us in the ass, sometimes in the teeth.
But I have come to realize it is the opposite. I think people are the snotty-nosed kid who kicks around the ball called life. The ball is unassuming and harmless; still when not disrupted. Then we come along, tripping over our own feet, hell bent on lodging that ball as far as we can. We fling life irratically, dramatically, or inconsequentially to our whims.
Well, what do you know, that damn ball hits the wall and rebounds right back into our face everytime.
That is how I see life. Life isn't necessarily hard on us. We are hard on us. We have control over the ball: how, where, and why we throw it. Yes, a few things are out of our control, but how we think, react, or feel about those things is completely within our control. We have the ability and choice to throw the ball how high, far, or fast we want.
I have the ability to control my life and I can't describe how liberating that is.
But I have come to realize it is the opposite. I think people are the snotty-nosed kid who kicks around the ball called life. The ball is unassuming and harmless; still when not disrupted. Then we come along, tripping over our own feet, hell bent on lodging that ball as far as we can. We fling life irratically, dramatically, or inconsequentially to our whims.
Well, what do you know, that damn ball hits the wall and rebounds right back into our face everytime.
That is how I see life. Life isn't necessarily hard on us. We are hard on us. We have control over the ball: how, where, and why we throw it. Yes, a few things are out of our control, but how we think, react, or feel about those things is completely within our control. We have the ability and choice to throw the ball how high, far, or fast we want.
I have the ability to control my life and I can't describe how liberating that is.
It's going to be a great day
Today is going to be a great day... that's what my heart and mind tell me. Can't doubt them!
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Self-care
It is no secret what taking care of yourself does to your life and longevity. It has long been researched that healthy food fuels your body, heals illnesses, and provides energy among an abudance of other wonderful benefits. Exercise. Exercise! What doesn't exercise benefit? Meditation clears the brain and offers stress relief which is proven to strengthen the heart. There are so many amazing measures to heal the body, mind, and spirit and I have only begun to experiment with these things.
The most significant and rigorous self care for myself has been exercising. I began the beginning of January 2011, even though I held a gym membership since June 2010 and had only been using it occasionally (ugh, the wasted money). I've been averaging 5 days a week now and the improvement in my mood, physical health, and confidence has been astounding. I haven't lost a pound but I've lost inches. The confidence comes from the pride in finally realizing my body is an important tool and needs to be valued and revered. My mind becomes clear when I exercise and the clouds part. My energy soars and I feel truly alive. I have not felt that exhilaration in ages. The evenings I miss my routine I feel anxious and guilty and long to go to the gym.
I still struggle with the healthy eating. I do really well for a period of time and then I fall off the boat. It is a struggle because there are so many healthful foods that I dislike and plenty of sweets that I do. As are many things in my life, this is a work in progress. The internet has provided much information and suggestions that have helped me to improve and I guess I will continue to educate myself and practice until this, too, becomes a good habit.
Meditation is the most difficult yet fascinating tool to self care I can imagine. I once heard the quote that prayer is the practice of speaking to God; meditation is the practice of listening. To quiet the mind and listen to the rumblings of silence and God is a terrifying action for me. It's difficult for me to shut out problems and worries to focus on nothing much less listen to what it is God is saying, what my heart—not the mind—is saying. What if what it/He has to say throws my whole world off kilter, as it has before? What if it or He challenges my beliefs or thoughts? What then? Well, these questions are sometimes to intimidating to face and often meditation is thrown aside. When courage rises, though, I can sit down and patiently listen and breathe. Then I can face the challenges that might arise and I feel empowered yet soothed.
I guess what I am trying to say is that I feel to be in such a great spot in my life that I can focus on taking care of myself. I value myself in a way that I never have before and it is an eye-opening experience. What brought about this change is the lifting of depression and the subsequent view of the world as always gloomy and hopeless. These days the light shines through to my heart and I see the value in everything and am learning to appreciate each breath. I feel like a baby exploring the world and myself and it is such an amazing experience.
The most significant and rigorous self care for myself has been exercising. I began the beginning of January 2011, even though I held a gym membership since June 2010 and had only been using it occasionally (ugh, the wasted money). I've been averaging 5 days a week now and the improvement in my mood, physical health, and confidence has been astounding. I haven't lost a pound but I've lost inches. The confidence comes from the pride in finally realizing my body is an important tool and needs to be valued and revered. My mind becomes clear when I exercise and the clouds part. My energy soars and I feel truly alive. I have not felt that exhilaration in ages. The evenings I miss my routine I feel anxious and guilty and long to go to the gym.
I still struggle with the healthy eating. I do really well for a period of time and then I fall off the boat. It is a struggle because there are so many healthful foods that I dislike and plenty of sweets that I do. As are many things in my life, this is a work in progress. The internet has provided much information and suggestions that have helped me to improve and I guess I will continue to educate myself and practice until this, too, becomes a good habit.
Meditation is the most difficult yet fascinating tool to self care I can imagine. I once heard the quote that prayer is the practice of speaking to God; meditation is the practice of listening. To quiet the mind and listen to the rumblings of silence and God is a terrifying action for me. It's difficult for me to shut out problems and worries to focus on nothing much less listen to what it is God is saying, what my heart—not the mind—is saying. What if what it/He has to say throws my whole world off kilter, as it has before? What if it or He challenges my beliefs or thoughts? What then? Well, these questions are sometimes to intimidating to face and often meditation is thrown aside. When courage rises, though, I can sit down and patiently listen and breathe. Then I can face the challenges that might arise and I feel empowered yet soothed.
I guess what I am trying to say is that I feel to be in such a great spot in my life that I can focus on taking care of myself. I value myself in a way that I never have before and it is an eye-opening experience. What brought about this change is the lifting of depression and the subsequent view of the world as always gloomy and hopeless. These days the light shines through to my heart and I see the value in everything and am learning to appreciate each breath. I feel like a baby exploring the world and myself and it is such an amazing experience.
Thursday, April 21, 2011
The old MO
So there comes a time when a person gets tired of carrying their secrets and wants to start anew. I am at that point in my life. I have always been a self-conscious person, terrified of showing my vulnerabilities, insecurities, and pitfalls. I do not want to show people my quick temper or my emotional extremes. I have wanted to be seen as the sweet one. And for the most part that is what people tend to see in me. I don’t tend to think of it as sweetness anymore; I think of it as being cowardly. What it boils down to is not wanting to be judged negatively. I think for the most part people haven’t viewed me negatively, but I probably appear very boring. I don’t want to be boring anymore and I don’t want to care what people feel about me anymore. But I am not entirely sure how to change my whole MO. Not knowing what to do, and the resulting inaction, can make me spin my wheels forever. Another comfortable MO of mine. So, whether I know where to begin making this change or not, I am taking action. I will learn along the way. Probably with some hard knocks as that is seemingly the only way I learn. I am somewhat fearless when it comes to life’s challenges and hard knocks. I have faced mountains I never dreamed I would have to face and sunk to lows lower than my naïve mind could imagine (more on those later).
I need to embrace my vulnerabilities and share my secrets. Maybe it would help someone on their journey. Maybe it would open me to a whole new world of friends and life that I haven’t experienced yet. We’ll see.
“Out of your vulnerabilities will come your strengths.” –Sigmund Freud
I need to embrace my vulnerabilities and share my secrets. Maybe it would help someone on their journey. Maybe it would open me to a whole new world of friends and life that I haven’t experienced yet. We’ll see.
“Out of your vulnerabilities will come your strengths.” –Sigmund Freud
Monday, April 18, 2011
A time to write
I have been on hiatus... well, because life happens. But I am back, hopefully for a good, long while.
A few things happening lately... work has been interesting. I have been trying to convince my superiors (hate that phrase) that I deserve a promotion. Whether or not that will happen in this century remains a mystery. To be continued...
I dreamed last night that I was sitting in bleachers reading a book about dinasours to exboyfriends. I love the irony of it.
Men, oh, men. This topic remains one of discontent for me; has for some time now. Not sure where to go with it or what to do about it. Maybe my dream from last night is a good indicator.
Working out has been fantastic. I have been a gym rat since the beginning of January and have been really enjoying it until lately. I have been getting bored with my routine and need to shake it up a bit, maybe with the help of a personal trainer... once I grow the cahoonas to be ordered around and beat upon by their ferocious and complicated routines. Although I haven't lost anything on the scale, I can feel my body changing in amazing ways. I have noticed. People have noticed. It has done incredible things for my confidence and I need to remember that when I feel the boredom trickle in. More on this later.
It feels good to be writing again and although I may have an audience of none, throwing my thoughts out to the world is good practice for me.
A few things happening lately... work has been interesting. I have been trying to convince my superiors (hate that phrase) that I deserve a promotion. Whether or not that will happen in this century remains a mystery. To be continued...
I dreamed last night that I was sitting in bleachers reading a book about dinasours to exboyfriends. I love the irony of it.
Men, oh, men. This topic remains one of discontent for me; has for some time now. Not sure where to go with it or what to do about it. Maybe my dream from last night is a good indicator.
Working out has been fantastic. I have been a gym rat since the beginning of January and have been really enjoying it until lately. I have been getting bored with my routine and need to shake it up a bit, maybe with the help of a personal trainer... once I grow the cahoonas to be ordered around and beat upon by their ferocious and complicated routines. Although I haven't lost anything on the scale, I can feel my body changing in amazing ways. I have noticed. People have noticed. It has done incredible things for my confidence and I need to remember that when I feel the boredom trickle in. More on this later.
It feels good to be writing again and although I may have an audience of none, throwing my thoughts out to the world is good practice for me.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)